I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[geoff]

hi Nellym, thanks for posting your comment, because the same happened to me, I also had the police come knocking on the door and at that stage was living by myself, my wife had moved out as she had done a few times, and was taken to hospital.
The only way she found out was because she was contacted by police or hospital, I don't know.
When situations like this go unplanned, it pulls you back into being a recluse, it hiberants you even more, but this is not what you should do, if your psych is away for 2 more weeks, doesn't mean you should be by yourself, it's easy to do this, I know, but you need to talk with someone who cares for you, whether it's The Salvo's, your local community centre who do have social workers and who will listen to you or you could even go to Anglicare, who I often mention on the site, they were fantastic to me when I was at rock bottom.
You don't have to say that the last 2 days have been hell, I have been there myself just as any other people know what it feels like, and only those who have been there know what it's like, it's horrendous.
I know how you are feeling, but could you please keep talking with us, you will be safe by doing this and hope very much that you will do this. Geoff.

[Nellym]

Thanks for the reply Geoff,

I don't think I could sit down and talk to anyone at the moment. My trust has plummeted now and it seems easier to keep it inside for now. That way I am not affecting the people around me who don't understand what I am going through anyway.

I am just trying to take it day by day and sometimes even hour by hour at the moment. My life has gotten to a point where I feel like it won't get any better.

Reaching out for help just makes things worse.

[Croix]

Dear Nellym~

I'm sorry for what happened to you. You are not the first to come across this problem. Just reading how this has affected you with police on the doorstep and a very strong feeling of breach of trust shows the harm. Your reluctance to come forward again is perfectly understandable and frankly I'd feel much the same myself.

I've looked at your other threads:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Hard Times
Forums / Treatments, health professionals and therapies / PSYCHOLOGIST and MYSELF????

Someone with PTSD often has hyper-vigilance and distrust as symptoms anyway and I guess this will have only reinforced those feelings.

It will have been a shock to your husband, particularly as he did not get to find out as you intended. I can see finding there is a whole world he does not know about with the suicidal feelings of someone very close would have been deeply unsettling.

I doubt he knows what to say or do. People are frightened to talk as it might push their loved one 'over the edge'.

Why not ask him to have a look at this on talking abut it:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-suicide/having-a-conversation-with-someone-you%27re-worried-about

I"ll also suggest you get him to help you fill in the BeyondNow app from this website, it is a useful tool in its own right, and if presented to him in the right spirit may help reassure him.

I'm sure sections of the medical fraternity will condone the chat room operator's reaction. Pushing the panic button can seem the best thing to do on the basis that they may be saving a life - irrespective of the consequences. If they do not have sufficient experience or have poor judgment then overuse of this tactic ends up with someone completely alienated alienated for no good reason - as you are.

I'm glad the police officers showed sense and left matters alone after talking to you.

Whatever chat room staff are like, here in the Forum you will find people that understand and have had the same sort of experiences. Also have lived though and coped with PTSD, anxiety and related disorders (I'm one).

In relation to seeking help via the phone, even though it requires more privacy perhaps you might find it easier to use a help line rather than text chat as actual speech may leave less room for misunderstandings.

I hope you can settle things with your husband. Please feel free to talk here as much as you'd like

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Nellym

This was a huge shock to you and your family. Being concerned about your safety is reasonable and it must have been a hard situation for that moderator. Calling the police seems an over the top reaction in this situation and has certainly had a dreadful effect on you.

In the meantime, until your psych returns, you need to take care of yourself, in particular your mental health. I do understand how hard it feels to talk to someone you don't know. Instead of that how do you feel about writing all this down. It will give you an outlet for your distress and you may like to show it to your psych n ext time you meet. I am presuming you have a good relationship with your psych. Doesn't matter if you keep it private, it will help you regain your composure and the panic attacks will reduce.

I know about panic attacks. They are the pits and they bounce into your life without so much as a "Please excuse". The effects can last some time after the panic has gone.

No one here is judging you or telling you what to do. We are here simply to support you and sometimes we tell you about our experiences as I did in the previous sentences. In general people can talk more easily to others who have been through the same or similar events because we know how it feels. If you feel like having a vent please do so. We will be here when you need us.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Nellym~

I wanted to add to what I said to you in my previous post. Here I'm not judging or excusing, or even saying the below applies in your case, merely making a general observation. As I said I'd most definitely feel from what you said that this reaction was unnecessary and made your life, and that of your husband, harder.

I can however see there might be something one might not think of when seeking help.

Medical professionals are tasked with saving life, and in some circumstances that can override the wishes of the person concerned, and I think most of us can accept that. Those who staff A&E, emergency help lines, web-chat services and so on are themselves human with their own fears and worries. As you can see here in this Forum not everyone can cope with the death of another, or if they do it is not easy and can leave a mark for life.

As a result the decision when to press the panic button can be a difficult and heavy responsibility, and there may well be a tendency to err on the side of caution.

Perhaps this episode might have some benefit in the long term if you become closer to your husband and have an understanding ally to support you in the future.

What do you think?

Croix

Leaving professional procedures and ethics to one side when one contacts a medical professional in A&E, on a help line, web-chat chat or elsewhere it is quite easy to think of them just being part of the 'medical system' and overlook the fact that they are human too.

Here in this Forum and throughout everywhere else are many people that have not been able to cope or have not coped well with the death of another. For someone that may be faced with this possibility on a frequent basis there may well be a natural tendency to react more hastily .

[Nellym]

Thanks Crox and Mary for you replies,

I understand that they thought they were doing the right thing, unfortunately it has just set me back a long way. I was struggling beforehand and this has just made it worse.

I think in the future I just won't reach out for help - that way I won't be put in that situation again.

[White_Rose]

Dear Nellym

Thanks for writing in. I hope you will continue to talk to us and do not leave in case we turn out to be like the other forum. I very much doubt that is the case. If you have not already done so would you read the Community Rules. Look under Get Support and go down to Online Forums then across to Community Rules. This will explain how Beyond Blue forums are moderated. As you can appreciate we get some dodgy posts here, not necessarily discussing suicide but other life events which may distress someone reading them.

I suggest you have a look at the different forums on BB to see what others write about and how they phrase their comments. It's not about shutting anyone up or calling the local police. It's about respecting the other people who post in here. There are posts about self harm and they are always a concern both for the moderators and those who reply. We try very hard to help and support people who are in a very dark place.

We do understand that self harm is a coping mechanism and although we would like you to find other ways of distracting yourself it does not mean an immediate call to the cops. I will never forget the sight of a young man on my train to work, sitting on the seat in front of me and harming himself. It really was horrible and all I could do is tell him to stop doing it. I think it was made worse because like the rest of the world I had heard on my radio of the planes crashing into the two towers on 9/11.

So tell us if your life is a mess, talk about the help you are getting from your psychologist, tell us about your family. In short talk about anything and everything you want to chat about. We cannot answer in real time because this forum is not set up for this, but we will answer. And so long as your posts stay within the guidelines you will not have police officers knocking on your door. Is it a deal?

OK here is a bit about me. Separated from my husband after 30 years of marriage, four children and eight grandchildren. I have retired from paid work but have several volunteer roles. I go to church, enjoy various crafts such as knitting, sewing clothes for my grandchildren, or at least those who are not old enough to prefer to buy their clothes. I enjoy embroidery and gardening but these days I have someone come in to do the heavy lifting. I meditate and am a member of the local meditation group and a local book club. I lead a pretty full life.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Mary

[Croix]

Dear Nellym~

We understand exactly how it has set you back and the massive loss of trust. Mary has offered you what we have to give, not real face to face contact, but genuine, how could it not be, we have both been right down.

The other thing is at the moment you have control over you actions. I remember a time when I suddenly thought I really did not. I could have taken my life and not been here as a result. If you are near that stage don't be put off, please seek help anyway, the cr*p in hospital, lack of control and all may almost be a relief.

How one thinks of things changes, and better feelings can come unexpectedly.

All I can do is say that Mary, I and others are here for you, we understand and care

Croix

[Nellym]

Hi Mary and Croix,

Thanks for your words. I just think it will take me a long time to build that trust back up.

But what's done is done and I can't change what has happened so just need to move on. I will just be careful about what and how I write things. Today I actually got out of the house for awhile so will take that as a win.

Hopefully the next few days will be better than the last few and that I can put all this mess in the past.

Nell