Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think the relapses are ok, it is all apart of this journey to be honest, I think we need them so we can sort of see where we do not want to go back too, like I have said before, it is ok to miss your ex or what not, it is holding onto the good memories however and remembering them when you want but also remembering that the next phase of your life is waiting for you as well. The fear of being alone is real and I have felt it many times, there isn't a cure for it but it is understanding brighter days are not far away. You can do this. Being strong is half the battle as well, you learn to be strong whilst dealing with all this too.

I think the response came out fine as well.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi mate

I know relapses happen, sometimes i guess we have to make our minds realise that they happen but it's all about how we overcome it. Sometimes the relapses remind you of a better time though. A happier time. That is a time which you want to come back, so you try to get back to it somehow i guess, or you wish you were back in that.

I also look at other people who have had depression and how they have overcome it. It takes me some figuring out as to how they were able to overcome it a lot quicker. How they were able to move on from it much faster. Sometimes it kind of frustrates me that the same does not happen. I tend to get in to a circle. Just as I feel like I am coming out of it, something happens that drags me back to that point.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

My apologies inbetween my responses, I wasn't well the last few days so wasn't on the forums.

I agree with relapsing back into our mental health and it does make us appreciate the better times and I think when we relapse it is important to remind ourselves that we can overcome it.

I think looking at people who have overcome depression is half of the story, you don't see the full struggle they went through to get to the stage and I am sure down the track someone will look at you and say the same thing about you and that you overcame it.

How has the past few days been for you?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hey mate

Not been the best few days since Thursday. Got really badly ill last week, and overcame that flu, but still have some sort of throat infection. Had to spend some time in hospital one of the evenings gone by. Has not had be in the best shape overall. Hoping it clears up soon and I can get back to doing everything. It's amazing how illness can impact your mental health too.

Work has gotten quite hectic as well too. Our team leader is away on holiday and our new assistant team leader stresses out about a lot of things. So I have been having to deal with a lot of it because our team leader left me with that 2ic role. I can deal with leadership and I do well at it, but I hate when people make issues so much harder than they really area. It's been difficult as it is being unwell.

I really want to be a success story which is why I look back on others as a way of seeing that it is possible, but every time I tend to get somewhere, I fall back further and it just makes the whole thing harder.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Sorry to hear, I was in and out of the doctors office for a few days as well, are you feeling any better now?

Yeah, some managers struggle with stress, it is odd why they are in that role, just need to rise above it and almost take control of each situation, I think that would work out better for you in the long term as well.

You are becoming the success story, all someone has to do is read this thread from start to now and I reckon they would say how far you have come. I know it feels like you are taking steps back but in reality, you are taking steps back to walk a few steps further, it is the nature of the beast that is mental health, drags us up and down but you have come so far so please don't think you haven't.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

I am feeling a little bit better, but still not 100%. One of these long running issues about my health that keep frustrating me. I also apologise, I completely forgot to ask how you are feeling and if you are feeling better?

I guess I was really lucky in that I was always thrust in to leadership roles from a young age, so I got to learn about them quickly. Generally I tend to deal with them pretty well, but it's just when my health its a cross roads that I struggle to ever see myself succeeding, and my health goes south often and quickly.

Hahah, that is too kind of you to say. It might be my high expectations, but I will generally only consider myself a success story when I can actually see the results in full as opposed to partly. The number of mental and internal battles I have to deal with, I often wonder what I would be like if I didn't have them, if I was normal so to speak...

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That's ok, don't stress, I am feeling better, running at about 90-95% so nearly there. Glad you're feeling better.

You sound like a natural leader which is great but health always has a way to bring us down and peg or two, I guess not letting that define you in your career is key. Remember you have survived everything you have been through so far so you have a 100% success rate, keep going.

Only you can truly consider yourself a success story when you think you are but from an outside perspective, you have come a long way and that is what I see, yes we all wish we didn't have to deal with all of this but you know what, it makes you so much stronger in the long run. It takes you through the valleys just to show you the peaks.

Much on for the weekend?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Thats good to hear. I am glad you are feeling much better. Mine just does not want to seem to go away.

Haha, well I lead a lot of my school sport teams and that helped me a lot. I don't wish to be a leader, but I find it an easy role to do rather than the monstrosity that everyone tends to make it out to be these days. I feel like people have forgotten the point of leadership roles and just want the role for the title as opposed to what it represents and actually means. I really want to get to a leadership role just so I can prove a lot of the head office guys wrong about the way they run a store and treat people.

Yeah, I don't think I am there at all, or close to getting there. I know what are my biggest pains and I don't have to keep repeating them, but I think once I have the things I want, I will be able to maybe start thinking about taking the view you have.

My cousins twins have their 1st birthday tomorrow, so will be going for that. Have work on Sunday so that is not the most exciting, but has to be done. No other big plans as such. Hopefully can start to feel a bit better than I can get back in to the gym.

How about you?

p.s. is it a little odd that this thread is so long and yet everyone else stops after a few posts? Almost feels like the conversation needs to be in a different area now.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Thanks, I am feeling better, how about yourself? Did you have a good weekend?

I agree about the leadership stuff, people want it for the title but don't really understand what it takes to be a leader, it is not easy and managing people and their emotions is quite hard. It is good you want those roles because it shows your sheer determination.

You feel how you feel, and if you feel you are not close then keep working every day to get to where you think you need to be, the only person stopping you, is you.

My weekend was kind of boring, nothing to major, no golf so that was disappointing, hopefully next weekend.

Not at all, this is your thread, your journal, people stop after a few posts if they feel they got the answer they want, you were here looking for long term support and that is what you are doing, you never know who is reading your thread and taking strength from it.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Thats good to heard. I am feeling better, but still not quite 100%, have some lingering things which I need to get checked out.

My weekend was ok. Enjoyed the twins birthday mainly because I got to see them, but other than that, was nothing spectacular. Haven't been golfing since last week Oct. Seems an age. Just trying to get back on track at the moment.

Yeah, it can be quite an arduous process. I did not think it would take me this long, but I guess sometimes long term is much better than allowing the relapses to take control. I feel like that can happen. Hope to find my way back health wise and that will hopefully help my mind.