Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

Hey

Yeah, I agree. I think I kind of knew that all along but was just afraid to. I kind of hoped that maybe things could rekindle or get back to the way they were, but when I kind of felt that they weren't, I knew I had to stop talking to her. I know you are not being mean. I think if something hurts, you just never want to accept that reality. You want to live the life where things are all good and exciting and you do not have to live with the pain and hurt.

I hope I get it too. I feel like I can handle it and do a good job as a leader, so I really want to work towards that and hopefully prove myself right. So a fair bit of work to do, so let's see if I can get it done and work towards it.

It's ok. I can only do so much with them. At the moment now I just have to kind of be patient and hope things start to change and work out for me,t hen I can probably look at moving out and so on. Also dont really want to move out on my own, so hopefully maybe I find someone soon too.

[Blisstinia]

Hey there 🙂

I’ve read all 91 posts in this interaction and I just wanted to say, you guys have beautiful hearts. I know I wasn’t involved in the conversation but I’ve been moved by the consistent support and advice you all have been showing each other. Very rare you find people willing to show so much love and support, and you have all given me hope that I too can get support.

And @zimbo I assume you’re Zimbabwean? It’s okay if you don’t want to reveal that information, but if it helps, I am too and I know how hard it can be for our families to fully understand the battle you’re going through.

You are all such great people, and thank you for giving me back that hope 🙂

[Guest_0087]

Hi Bliss

Yes I am a Zimbabwean. You have no idea how happy it makes me to bump in to another Zimbo, even if on the web. It is probably the highlight of my day without a shadow of a doubt.

Your words also are too kind, but I owe so much to Jay and even SPD. Jay has been here from day one and even when I am negative and pessimistic, he still comes back and helps me along.

I am glad you were able to find some hope in our posts. I really hope to chat to you again. I don't know if you have created a thread or anything like that, but I am definitely going to be here for you. 😄

[Blisstinia]

Hello 🙂

I’m glad you feel that way, I don’t know many zimbos myself so I know how exciting it feels.

I am quite new to these forums, so I’m still working my way around numerous of threads to see the ones I resonate with, and if at all I can offer any help. I made a thread this morning, dunno how you can check it but it should pop up as new.

You have a great support team here, I am even grateful for them on your behalf haha, but I am also grateful for your willingness to help me too.

Thank you ✨

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

It is very hard for things to go back to how they were before after a break up, they can go half way there or 75% there but 100% there is really tough and I think it is just too easy to keep breaking up once you have once. I understand not wanting to hold onto the pain either and only wanting to hold onto the good times which is totally fair but in fairness to you, you deserve 100% happiness and I just don't know if they will ever give it to you as much as you would want them too.

The new goal at work seems to have given you some new motivation which is amazing, I am wrapt you have something to strive towards instead of moving to another job, this could be more fulfilling when you do achieve it.

Moving out is tough but it matures you quickly, maybe finding a room to rent might be a good start, living with others but also on your own?

Thank you for your kinds words as well in response to Blisstinia, I am glad they have found this thread helpful and resonated with it, exactly what the intention is for. I am always happy to help and I keep coming back because we all need support and my supports is actually helping others which helps me so even if you think you are not helping me, you are helping more than you know and I am very grateful for that.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

@bliss

Take your time if you need to. Sometimes these forums can be a bit of a minefield and I know what its like when you feel a certain way and do not know where to turn. I am always here for you. Really excited to have met you, and appreciate your support in return. Looking forward to you being a regular member.

@jay

Yeah, I guess I was just holding on to some hope. We were messaging again and I thought that maybe if it could rekindle, it might be good, but it did not work out that way, so I am looking at moving on. Trying to just take each day as it comes. I know it can be hard and so I am not trying to overwhelm myself. I always get a sense of renewal when I come on here and see responses like yours and Bliss.

It definitely has motivated me a bit. My team leader will be going away soon on holiday and she has given me a bit of responsibility in that period which is good. I guess it shows that I can be trusted and she sees that I have that potential. So hopefully I can prove her right and stick to my guns.

I don't really want to move out in to a house share. Done that many times and it can be a bit draining. I want to move out, but I want to get my own place now. Have that bit of independence and freedom. It seems to be the best way forward in that sense, but I do know that it wont be easy, so trying to work on all these plans as they come.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That's ok, it is always good to try but I think you have realised it isn't going where you want it too and that is a good thing that you are prepared to fully move on. Only happiness can come from this.

Awesome news about the team leader giving you some responsibilities, they must have some good faith in you so do realise that there are plenty of people that see good in you.

I understand about the house share, wasn't aware you have tried it before, I think moving out may be the best thing you could do, it really forces you to become fully independent and not rely on anyone, doesn't mean your family doesn't care for you or anything just for yourself to tell yourself you can do it.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi mate

I think I had to realise that a small part of her will always be attached to me, which isn't a bad thing. It just means they had an impact on my life that shaped me for the better and the next person who comes along gets to experience that better version of me. The version that the person missed out on because they could not see it. Sometimes it doesnt work out and you just have to move forward. I like this quote:

"Moving on is when your heart is no longer stuck on the person, moving is forward is choosing not to put your life on hold whether you're over them or not"

I summarised the full thing, but I think that gets the gist across. I think I am trying to take those steps to move forward. It can hurt, but every time I feel myself falling to that, I just remember that I can move forward and I can find some solace in other things, and hopefully if i keep plugging away, one day I will find someone who will see the things in me my ex didn't, or i will excel at my work. So I am trying not to be bitter, but making every effort to move forward.

Yeah, I like that she sees that and is giving me that responsibility. I like that I can take it on as well and do it. I hope I can prove myself so that it shows through and then hopefully when something does open up, be it this store or another, I can be offered it and grab it.

That's ok. I don't think it came up. My ultimate goal is to move out. I really like certain suburbs and want to move to them, so one day it is my aim. If anything my family would want me to stay but I want to move out more, and it's me telling them that I do still love them, but I just need to find some space too.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I like your outlook on moving forward and moving on, honestly that is amazing to read and truly now shows how far along you have come from when you first posted and to be honest I don't even think when you first started posting here you could of imagined you would be saying those posts some 61 posts later on your thread but it shows growth on your end and that is the most important thing. I also like that you realise that the next person you meet will see all these positive things about you and will get to cherish them about you. One quote I like is "You will keep tripping on what's in front of you, if you keep looking behind you" I think this is good because let's say you meet someone new and you're too focused on your ex to realise that they may be the perfect one for you and you should invest your energy into them.

It is a great goal to move out, hopefully with the new found motivation at work and now moving out may be more of an option going forward.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi mate

I wrote response and then my computer crashed on me. So frustrating. I feel like the outlook feels very good more often than not these last few days, however there are days when you have relapses and that is the worst. Whether it is relapses in terms of the depression, the ex, or just general things, it knocks you hard and can be a major problem. I try to remain strong and resilient in those moments, but sometimes its just not possible and I fall and struggle.

That's a good quote. The hard part is being able to do all of these things. I like to feel like I can stay strong or be in a good place, but sometimes it is just so hard. I think my biggest fear right now is the fear of being alone, and that takes over on so many levels.

Yeah I'm trying to take each step as it comes in terms of that. So moving out wont happen right now, but I know that it will at some point. I guess I need to prove myself at work and then hopefully see what happens from there.

This feels a lot poorly worded as opposed to what I had written before my computer crashed, im sorry. Brain is not functioning now...