Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

I don't have a lot to offer either, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you in your distress and hope you can find a way to let it go. Not easy I know!

I've heard of revenge porn and mainly thought of it as being a younger generation thing to do. I also wonder what kind of character would look at that kind of stuff.

My sick and depraved first husband took photos as did his friends. I would just like to think that anyone looking at that terrified skinny kid would not relate the photos to the person I am today.

It is who we are today that counts. We can't change the past.

Wishing you peace in your mind Nat, cheers from Dools

[Quercus]

Thanks for your support CMF and Mrs D.

I doubt anyone would know. There are two photos that I found.

What makes me sick is that I've checked before and nothing has come up, until now. My husband is very paranoid about information on the internet so it is something I check every now and then.

According to hubby the issue is not the photos online but that it is shit timing. Who cares (his words). He was angry at me for creating drama. Don't we have enough to worry about (him again). Said I should have waited till he wasn't at work to check. Asked why the hell I checked at all.

I feel like I should just pack my shit and leave. It might not matter to him but after all this time it is another violation.

One thing hubby has right is I seem to go from drama to drama. Part of me wants the chaos and for everything to just fall apart so I can be alone. I'm tired of everything.

[White_Rose]

Dear Nat

I am so sorry to learn about that creep's actions. Don't apologise for having bad thoughts about him. So long as they stay thoughts it's OK. You will get past this, you and I both know it. It's the bumpy ride in the middle that will take a bit of time to settle.

You said "To anyone else it's a random set of breasts I suppose." And this is what you need to remember. Of course you know yourself and feel sick to be displayed like this but no one else knows who you are. I love Dools comment "It is who we are today that counts." And that's what you also need to remember. You are a strong person even though there are times when you disbelieve it. You got away from the miserable excuse and that is something to be proud of. He is obviously a sick person who enjoys hurting people. Nasty creep as you say.

I know you and your husband have some problems but they are not part of this photo stuff. If you want to tell him it's up to you. I am not in your situation and I cannot tell you what to do. But Nat I want you to promise no more googling revenge porn or any other porn. It will always hurt you and you are too precious to be hurt. I expect you are saying something like "but what if there's more, how can I relax, how can I stop thinking about it". As you have just found out it's more disastrous to know.

It will take time to get over this. I am still having flashbacks from the creep in my life and it's nothing as bad this. But it is fading and it will fade for you if you stop looking. So many of my bad moments have come from trying to learn more about that wretch and I have finally accepted I cannot go there any more. You will get there as well.

I'm sorry to talk about my problems from the past but you know them and you also know I am healing. You will heal as well. When do you next see your psych? If it's more than week please make an urgent appointment to see him. I think you need to talk about it soon and to someone who understands you.

Nat, we are all holding your hands. Vent as much as you like, you know we are here.

Mary

[quirkywords]

Nat,

I have just seen your post. CMF, Dools, and Mary have offered you support.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I don't think you go from drama to drama I think you react as you know how .

Like Mary said I am holding your hand and listening and wish I had a magic wand that would fix things.

I really admire you and how you are so honest and brave and it upsets me to see you hurt.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Natalie~

The revenge porn is really less of a hassle than you imagine. If images of you are published without your consent, either though a don't care attitude or even if to hurt it is a reflection on the person posting, not you.

You did say your hubby was not concerned about the images, but about the effect of your seeking and their discovery had, and I strongly suspect his remarks are born out of concern for you, and his frustration he cannot quickly fix your wounds and fears, or even influence when they occur.

Actually that is a lifetime occupation, and I would imagine he knows this. I'm not just talking of you here, any realtionship is lifetime of care and nurturing .Y

ou are Nat (or Natalie:) the person he, your family and we all care for. The person you are today is the sum total of what you have been -like all of us human and with a wide swath of experiences.

If you have made mistakes -and I am NOT saying you have any more than anyone else, then that lends tolerance, compassion and wisdom, if you have done things right, that does too. Sometimes too we have little choice - that also can build that understanding of others.

Wanting peace is very understandable, things can so often feel they are hammering us relentlessly. This can lead to a 'driving away' of those we need close. Something one might do without quite understanding why. You are wise enough to realise this.

I have faith in your strenght, experience and capacity for love to weather these storms.

Croix

[Quercus]

Thank you. Words fail at the moment. But I'm thankful.

Psychiatrist is next Monday. This has shaken me. We've decided I will ask to resume psychotherapy.

I don't know what to do.. hubby says do nothing. the images have been there a long time and are copied to many websites now. noone I care about has seen them. Mary you know me too well. I can't stand not knowing. can't sleep again. Crying randomly.

Three images now. Two I had no idea were taken so there will be others. These two show everything. I saw my face and wanted to vomit. Have been copied elsewhere too.

I need to stop looking. I want to know because we're not going to do anything. too late.

Feel less than worthless. This has shattered any self esteem I've scraped together. I hate going swimming because it means removing clothing and he's made the choice to expose me. Boobs are boobs. But the other photos are distressingly private.

Hubby sat for hours with me. Brushed my hair. Said he likes the pictures which helped a little.

I know it is past and not important. But the change in how I feel about myself is unsettling. Confidence is gone.

I'll be ok. Thank you all for caring about me.

[quirkywords]

Nat

That image of hubby sitting with you for hours and brushing you hair is so serene amongst the unsettling feeling you have.

If you can some now grab onto that as a lifeline. you were treated so appallingly but now you have someone is there for you in allasnese of the word, stirring in the silence of your pain and brushing you hair.

I think you had a shock and that will take time to come to terms with.

I agree you will be ok, but in your own time and with help will find a way to process all this and eventually gain some confidence.

You have more people who care for you that you probably realise .

thanks for letting us know how you are going.

Quirky

[Quercus]

It is 420am. I just woke up from the most vivid dream. Fell asleep on the couch again. Need to record this for me to read. I don't want to forget and I know I will.

The dream is not important. It was one of my usual twisted and convoluted rabbit warren dreams. That feel real and dark and leave you wanting to sleep forever so you can hold onto that feeling of being alive and seeing everything in colour.

What is important is when I woke my first feeling was fear. I was frozen, everything felt foggy. I was certain I was about to have a heart attack or something.

And I wanted above everything just to walk down the hallway to our room and curl up with my husband.

I don't want to live in rich fairytales and perfect stories in my head anymore. The dream was trying to show me even fairytales are just as flawed and awful and fkd up as life is. Nothing is perfect.

Stop wasting your time day dreaming and be present with the three people in the house with you who love you.

There were things that were crystal clear when I woke. Just one dot point needed on this list.

1. This is my one and only life and if it ended I would regret not being present with my kids and my husband.

Dear Nat,

Go to bed. Go laugh as always a s your husband's grumps and uses his cutlery analogy as he demonstrates perfectly how utterly opposite you are. You want to be in his space, chaotic and messy and he wants to sleep like orderly cutlery neat and tidy in their plastic compartments.

And remember that no matter how foul a mood you're in that always makes you laugh and tease him. Funnily enough when you fall asleep on the couch he sleeps poorly because he's waiting for you to invade his space as usual and bring chaos and teasing into his life.

Who needs fairytales or stories. I have my own romantic comedy right here.

Go to bed Nat.

[quirkywords]

Nat,

What a wonderful post. There is not much to add but to say you write so descriptively and emotionally and have shown me you can get more from complex dreams than exhaustion.

Thnaks for sharing your thoughts,

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat and all reading,

It has been a really long time since I have remembered a dream.

I do recall having woken with a feeling of fear in the past and like I have wanted to scream.

Like Quirky mentioned, you are certainly very descriptive with your words.

Hope you have been able to feel very present with your family today.

Back to dreams: many years ago I awoke with immense pain in my big toe and felt cold. My husband was at the end of the bed yanking at my toe! I asked him what he was doing? He told me he was pulling the nail out of the floor!

I told him he was having a dream, he was about to pull my toe off my foot and he had better lay down and go back to sleep! In the morning he did not remember a thing!

Good thing he had not dreamt about smashing rocks with a sledge hammer!

Hope you have peaceful dreams to night Nat!

Cheers from Dools