Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Croix]

Dear Natalie

I'm glad you posted, it really gives hope -for me - and you. Perhaps if I am lucky I'll get to your stage in life.

Croix

[Quercus]

Thank you Quirky and Mrs D and Croix. It felt good to come online and read your replies.

Mrs D I have to admit your story made me smile. That must have been so strange to wake up to. And sore. It must be hard when your partner has weird dreams. Hubby has gotten used to me having phases like this. Right now I feel present and stable. A few nights ago I woke up screaming and scared the heck out of everyone. I prefer feeling stable.

Croix how are you doing? I haven't checked in on threads I normally do for quite some time now. Hopefully this mood stays for a while and I can share some long overdue TLC to everyone who has been so patient with me. I'm glad my post gave you hope. I haven't seen your happy memories thread in a while now. That thread has always given me hope.

And Quirky, your reply showed me something important... I was nodding in agreement at how you mentioned exhaustion. That reaction is my usual when I dream. So I'm guessing (hoping!) this must definately be a break in the black moods. About time!! It is nice to feel good.

I hope you are all managing as well as you can and taking good care of yourselves.

❤ Nat

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

I do hope that you continue to feel better about your life, are able to work on strategies to help yourself, so if the not so pleasant times return, you will have some artillery so to speak to fight back.

Hope you don't mind me including my own little story! That really was a funny night when I felt like my toe was about to be yanked off. I'm sure my husband used to dream in a different language as well, as he talked in his sleep but it certainly wasn't in English!

A lady I spoke to a few years ago had bad anxiety and used to wake up terrified. She had a torch next to her so she could have immediate light and a radio to listen to after to calm her mind.

Are there school holidays in your area at the moment Nat? I have been enjoying seeing more children in the shops while I was out and about during the week.

Hope yo have a good week Nat, cheers from Dools

[Quercus]

Hi Mrs D,

What did you enjoy about today? I figure it might be an easier question than to ask how you're holding up.

The good mood was short lived unfortunately but I'm thankful for every moment of respite. The school I work at has gone back this week but my kids have another week of holidays. Hubby took leave so I have been able to work which has been good for me even though I'm absolutely stuffed.

At home we got another truck load of coffee rock and I've been back building the dry stack retaining walls after work. Decided to make rock paths too to stop the puppies digging up my plants. It is tiring but keeps me distracted.

My Nan went to hospital this week. Has to see a heart specialist. She is 91. We're going to drive down to visit on Thursday. I'm nervous. Whenever I see her I end up crying and she worries about me so she gets upset too.

Enough about me. I like it when you share your stories. Even though you have had an awful time trying to get medical help you see the best in everything.

❤ nat

[White_Rose]

Dear Nat

It's been a while since I posted on your thread. So sorry to learn about your nan. I hope all goes right with her.

I can also relate to waking up terrified after a dream. I found I was unable to move, just lying there desperately trying to move an arm or leg or anything. In the end I managed to speak and my son came rushing in to ask what was the matter. Whoops! I asked my GP about it and why I could not move. She explained it to me but I cannot remember the details. It is apparently a recognised reaction which made me feel a little better. No idea what I was dreaming about and I think the content of the dream was not related to being unable to move.

My GP said today I was getting better at not over reacting and had made huge steps since I first went to see her. I am so grateful I found a GP as good as her. However she wants me to go to another psychiatrist and I am not keen. She makes it sound so reasonable that I cannot refuse. Hmm! So I will keep the appointment I made. My GP suggested I ask to be put on the cancellation list and perhaps I can see the psych earlier. This is to stop me getting uptight I think as the appointment is not for another month. Am I over reacting?

I agree with you, Dools is an amazing person who sees the best in everything. You are also pretty amazing because despite your back problems you still get out and do all that heavy lifting to build your walls.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat, Mary and All,

I think we are all pretty darn amazing! Every one of us on this forum and connected to Beyond Blue deserves a pat on the back! I have read so many amazing and inspirational stories here!

To keep going when all you feel like doing is to give up is courageous.

Good question Nat, as to what I enjoyed about today.

Before I left for my volunteer role this morning, I wrote a note for my husband telling him I was sorry for my reaction when he told me his boss had cut his work days from 5 to 2 yesterday. It was not my husband's fault!

I told myself I would make the most of my time at the home for the elderly. I was really surprised when a couple of staff members praised me as well as one of my fellow volunteers. One of the staff even made me a cup of coffee and used my name!

Accepting compliments is sometimes a bit awkward for me. It made me feel like I had a purpose there and was making a difference to people's lives.

So I enjoyed that. As my husband had the day home, he decided to cook dinner so I enjoyed that as well. We watched a comical travel show that had me laughing so I really enjoyed that!

A friend from years ago phoned me and invited me to her birthday party on Friday which will be with a group of people I knew from over 7 years ago. I appreciated the invitation and will attend.

So yes, today there have been lots of things to be thankful for and to enjoy as well.

All the best with those stone walls! Now and then I am keeping busy in the garden pulling up millions of weeds. Good mulch right!

Cheers all from Dools

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

I have been thinking of you and am so happy to log on and read you have been feeling better. I hope you can hang on this this feeling and it allows you to embrace and enjoy the goodness in your life. I like your cutlery story and enjoyed hearing how hubby does not sleep well when you are not in the bed.

I pray that your happiness will stick around and you are able to enjoy your beautiful family.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

Nat and everyone reading,

What a lovely group of inspiring posts.

I have learnt so much from Nat’s thread and everyone’s posts.

I like the way Nat that you always are willing to try new things and Mrs D and Mary and CMF and others share thoughts and wisdom.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hey Nat,

Just checking in to see how you're going.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

Was just browsing the forums and thought of you, then realised we haven't heard from you in a while. If you re up to it can you let us know you are ok? No pressure, just thinking of you.

Cmf x