Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Hi CMF ❤

Thank you for checking in on me. I wish I could say I've been keeping up with your thread but I've been back to mostly just replying to new members when I can (my fall back when not so well).

Saw my psychiatrist last week and finally hubby came with me. It was a good plan and helped a lot. I got really angry and frustrated with both of them discussing things I knew wouldn't help to the point where the Psychiatrist asked me what I DO want to try.

I asked to remove the ADHD meds which both of them got upset about. I've been feeling uncomfortable with them because they make my moods so extreme and I feel so tired all the time except for a few hours of energy when the meds kick in where I get angry because I can't get enough done before I slump again.

In a nutshell Psychiatrist says the depression is worse. I'm trying a new ADHD med which has been a bit better so far. I am a bit less angry thank goodness.

Enough about me. How are you? I'll check your thread tonight (right now I'm getting a little tired again) and get up to date.

It's lovely to hear from you CMF.

❤ nat

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

Hope the medication works okay for you and your energy levels are more stable. Being all over the place can be hard to balance.

Sometimes it can be beneficial taking partners along to our sessions, that way they have a better understanding of what is happening.

One day I was having a melt down at home while my husband was home. I telephoned Life line or Beyond Blue and actually asked the guy I was talking with if he could explain to my husband why I was having trouble being rational when I was so depressed.

I think it helped my husband understand a little. He made me a cup of tea after the phone conversation and backed off a little.

Thinking of you, Cheers from Dools

[CMF]

Hey Nat,

Good to hear from you. I do hope you are able to get these meds sorted and feel better.

I am well, don't worry too much about my thread, just do what you can at the moment. I'm good, things are good. I'm very blessed.

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

Wow, 4 months have flown by. Not sure of you re reading, but thinking of you and hope you're ok.

Cmf x

[Quercus]

Thanks as always CMF. I logged on to vent because I'm losing the plot and don't know what else to do and saw your message which was nice. I want to be able to care for others too but I'm empty.

Today feels like the last straw and I've had enough. New antidepressants dont work and combined with ADHD meds I am constantly overheated and angry.

My son has a bloody fever and cold so now I have to keep both kids home. The noise on top of everything is driving me fkn insane.

I haven't gone to work gardening in two weeks (have done my clean at 2am so I don't have to deal with anyone).

Haven't volunteered here for ages and gave up volunteering at the kid's school.

The list of emails and texts I haven't replied to yet is overwhelming.

I feel like a yoyo. One minute I'm stable, the next my clothes are soaked in sweat yet again and I'm explosively angry.

Hubby is staying home tomorrow to take our son to the doctor. I've just got to wait for the psychiatrist appointment.

I'm tired and so hot.

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

Sounds like you are having a really rotten time right now. I hope that expressing yourself here helps in some small way to take some of the stress off yourself.

Letting go of frustrating thoughts, emotions and feelings can be so beneficial. Are there ways you can let loose safely and release some of what is inside of you?

The other day I got the saw out and halved a tree! Helped heaps with my mood but did very little for my back, neck and shoulders! Had treatment today to sort that all out. Good thing I can't start the chainsaw!

Hope you and hubby managed to cope okay.

Thinking of you!

Kind regards from Dools

[blondguy]

Hey Nat

Im sad that you have been going through such a rough time

You are a true champion for not answering your emails and texts....You come first....everything else is secondary

my best for you and your family Nat

Paul

[quirkywords]

Nat,

Sorry to hear things are not working.

You are far more important than texts and emails.

I hope your son is ok.

I think you and I need our new year to start soon because so far it has been awful.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hey Nat,

Sorry things are so hard at the moment. One foot in front of the other, take care of you and your family first, let the rest go.

When is your appointment? We are here if you need.

Deep breaths Nat, one foot in front of the other...

Cmf x

[HamSolo01]

Hi Nat.

I wanted to drop in to say hi.

I see you've been struggling. You are in my thoughts.