Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[CMF]

Dear Nat,

I'm sorry to hear you are all not well. Yes, the news scares me too so i don't listen to it. Some may say I am ignorant or not 'astute (my colleague at work said this) but it is how i avoid anxiety and it works for me. i am lucky to have M who keeps me grounded. Yes, U know what it is like to not have extended family to help. I do have family but they have there own lives and grandkids and i prefer not to bother them. I know people who do have alot of help from family and i don't know how they would cope without it, so here's to us, cos we are doing it all without the extra help.

Nat, you know if I could i would wrap you in a warm blanket, make you a nice cuppa and just sit with you or give you a hand with house work while you rested. I remember you telling me while back that if we knew each other we would be good friends, meeting for coffee and a chat.

I do hope you start and your family start to feel better soon . I am thinking of you.

cmf x

[Quercus]

To dear Mary ❤

Last night I had nothing left for another post but I want to write to remind you not to worry even for one second about needing time out. Lord knows I want to berate myself daily for not being able to support you as I want to. So it goes both ways. No space for guilt here... Just coping however we can.

Please focus on taking good care of YOU above all ok.

My love and care to you.

❤ Nat

[quirkywords]

Nat,

Do you think we will ever stop worrying about others.? Sometimes part of coping seems to be still looking out for others .

I hope your family and you are getting well.

I hope your medication is working out . It must be such a headache not being able to get the balance right

Quirky

[Quercus]

I'm fairly certain I'm losing the plot tonight. Am wide awake and wired and anxious as hell and so bloody tired.

Am hoping venting will help. I have to sleep.

So angry. There are two different courses of antibiotics sitting on the bench for hubby. I want to read the doctor's name and memorise it. Then curse it and all the miserable excuses for humanity who worked alongside and did FA to make sure he was safe.

Everything's shit here at the moment. Hubby has pneumonia AGAIN. Worse this time. Kids are both still sick and as of today's doctor's visits each has a bottle of antibiotics in the fridge too. My appointment is tomorrow and more meds are a given. Hopefully just bronchitis. There has to be one adult functional.

Yesterday I had to pack an overnight bag, drive to the ER and drop hubby off then drive the kids back so I could care for them too.

It felt awful to just leave him so sick. coughing up blood, shaking, feverish. Last time he was like that they said he had blood poisoning the pneumonia was so bad.

And it was the same story... Drop hubby off sick and vulnerable, stay with the kids and just wait for a call feeling like the most useless wife. Have to trust the doctors. Trust people I don't know to care enough.

I didn't sleep anyway between being sick, the two new puppies and being Mum/Nurse at home too. His parents were waiting for a call too just in case the hospital did something stupid like discharge him at night.

Stupid doctor. Stupid hospital. Who the hell discharges a person so unwell out at midnight, after tests show pneumonia that needs two courses of different antibiotics, without giving them any medication to get through till the pharmacy opens. Without making sure someone is coming to pick them up. Is it that bloody much to ask that any professional gives a shit enough to show the basic care I would give anyone who was that unwell?

I get that they are busy. They need the beds. Same story every time because it always is the government's fault for lack of funding. But this wasn't an issue of priorities. This was a complete lack of care for a person I love.

still can't sleep.

[Quercus]

To the doctors and nurses responsible.

You'll never read this.

I'll write the complaint form and take it in. I'll be polite but firm and as understanding as I can be because it means someone will at least pretend to care before the complaint gets filed away with many others and nothing changes.

But...

Next time you're trying to 'process' a patient and you're angry that the wife and kids are clearly sick and infectious please don't get offended when they won't leave.

It's probably just me. And I can't leave. The reasons are simple.

1. We don't have options when our kids are unwell. Kids come with whichever parent can function.
2. I don't trust you to keep my family safe. You haven't before.
3. Nothing has changed since our last complaint. And I'm not remotely interested in taking a risk.

Oh and please don't take it personally if you hear my feedback at the women's community meeting in a few weeks time. I'm not taking it as a personal slight that you treated my family so poorly. I'm assuming that this is pretty standard for your workplace. But it's crap and not good enough.

PS. Yeah I'm not very nice when someone hurts people I love. I'm ok with that.

[White_Rose]

Dear Natalie

You certainly are ticked off. Did the hospital discharge your husband during the night? That is incredible especially when he has pneumonia.

A couple of weeks ago I spent the night in the ER. No need to admit me to hospital but they refused to send me home during the night because it wasn't safe. Well, I would have liked to sleep in my own bed but I was impressed by the care they gave. The only problem was in trying to put a cannula into me so I could have an antibiotic. My veins are hopeless these days so I have a portacath in my chest. Would have been ideal but there were no nurses who knew how to give the injection that way. So I went without and took the prescription home in the morning.

Next week I go into hospital for a procedure. Day surgery with a GA but it's hard to organise a lift to the hospital and home again. My family are not available that day so I rely on friends.I am hoping it's not the worst case. Not sure I can manage two.

I am having trouble with the steroid I have been prescribed along with the other drugs. I take steroids one day a week which puts my mood up for two days then I crash for at least two days. Get back to normal and it's time to start again. I need to stay on the steroids because they help the other medications to work more effectively. Makes me hungry and in one week I have put on three kilos. That's the most upsetting part after all the time and effort losing weight. I feel I have gone back to my former fat self.

GP has been helpful and upped my AD to where it was at the beginning of the year. I do feel less stressed and upset so it's probably a good thing but I was getting off them, or so I thought. He also gave me a script for one of those sedative meds but I don't like them. They can become addictive and lose their effectiveness over time. So I will continue to take the AD and see how I go.

Winter is definitely here and I am constantly cold. I think it's my body not knowing how to manage the weight loss. I am going to treat myself to an electric blanket. Hot water bottle is OK but does lose heat during the night and I wake up if I am cold. Time to pamper myself a little.

Nat, caring for sick children is huge. I take it you are not going to work ATM. Children do bounce back quite quickly once they get the right medicine. If only adults did the same. If your husband is at home make sure you care for yourself as well. As you said, you need one functioning adult. Out of word allowance.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

So very sorry to hear about what is happening there and how sick you all seem to be.

I'm sure hospital staff try to do their best, sometimes I think they forget they are dealing with people!

How are you all now?

Thinking of you from Dools

[CMF]

Oh Nat,

My goodness. I am so sorry to hear how unwell hubby is plus the kids. I wish i were there to help you.

Thinking of you.

Cmf x

[Quercus]

Freaking the heck out right now.

Call me stupid but every now and again I will just randomly Google revenge porn in my state. Even though it feels a lifetime ago I know the ex had a few photos and I always worried he would use them.

What the heck do I do? It's one photo. To anyone else it's a random set of breasts I suppose. But I know my own bloody boobs. I know the hair and the skin and the exact freckles. And the pajamas which were my favourite.

But it's on a website I would have to pay to join to see if there are others. Or if he's identified me.

What the fk do I tell my husband!? Oh by the way hon I've been feeling shit and that boy crept back into my head. So I got all paranoid. Oh yeah I forgot to mention the whole revenge porn thing scares the hell out of me because I wouldn't put it past him taking video without me knowing. Oh and I let him take a few photos too. Hope you don't mind.

We just had another conversation about how he doesn't think we've been ok for years now. Because since I got sick I don't perform and fake happy anymore. Now this.

I wish I had never been stupid enough to date that miserable excuse for a human being. I hate him. It is heartless and sinful to say but I wish the ex was dead.

I can't sleep. I'm meant to take the kids to polish school and a party tomorrow. My skin is crawling all over again.

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

Deep breaths...

I would feel absolutely sick too but i have a question.

Do you know anyone who may look at the site and identify you? I know this will bot calm your the way you feel, I'm just looking a a different perspective. I'd never even heard of revenge porn. Do you even need to mention it to hubby? Would he even know about those sites or look at them?

I know i haven't offered much help but want you to know you have support.

Cmf x