Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

I am so very pleased to read that your husband gave you a hug and it sounds like you accepted it.

Hope you can get the medication sorted out. My new pills are preventing me from having horrid thoughts about death, but are making me feel like a zombie...only one that wants to laze on the couch all day and do nothing!

It can be hard to find the balance.

I agree, hospital can be very beneficial, it can also cause issues like you mentioned if it is some distance away and you also have children who need to be cared for. Makes it all a bit tricky.

It is fine that you respond to us in a group Nat, I do that often, otherwise my mind sometimes gets fuddled with a few people to respond to.

Hopefully sharing here is helping you!

Cheers to you Nat from Dools

[demonblaster]

Hi darl and everyone ☺

It's awful when good people are hurting 🐧 this is so cute I figure it might give you a little lift.

I haven't read much back but know you're doing it hard. I hope these meds work out for you darl, it's a hard road but although it seems near impossible to see good things in our lives it's worth the search even if it's only a temporary happy. That's a few seconds less of pain.

Something that's been helping me with positives that might you or a reader is ABC happies I'm calling it.

You can pick any letter/s and stay on it or move to another. The only rule is with each letter you only allow thought on a good, bad thought might pop up just dismiss and over ride with a good.

Example. G. So whatever it sparks you to think of.

G - Gold, pretty sparkly jewellery nuggets KFC soz, just going with the flow, rings. Picture in your mind things and feel how they make you feel. Look at colour think about them.

G- Garage, car, security having transport, colour, storage room

G- Good there's more good people (think about them hun) and things than bad in the world. How you feel when you feel good. Clear head happy etc

G- Goat came to mind. Goat milk, it's voice, how they can climb. They're beard.

G- Ginger.. ick ☺ can settle an upset tummy, has a tingly taste, Ginger lollies, shape of ginger its neat I reckon.

That's the gist hun. It's helped me sleep too because it not only is only positive thoughts it puts our minds into neutral while we think on simple things.

Darl are you in your new house yet? No rush for reply just in your own time.

Remember lovey to tell yourself your good points, we need to like ourselves towards 🕊 inner peace.

Keep going darlin, you're a survivor strong loved needed and very appreciated huns even if it's not said often I'm sure you would be very much and certainly are here ☺🌱 oh and thanks hun for your comment a while back on bouquet of pearls thread ⚘

🌴

[Quercus]

And yet again, just like most days lately, I feel absolutely done.

Yesterday I did my duty as Mum and attended the school for Mother's Day. Chaos and noise and stress. Son sooked and sulked to have to do his sister's activities too. As always both of them went feral. Watched other Mums have tea and scones as Grandmas and Aunts did activities. Mums frowning and judgemental as Mr 5 decided to scoop icing and eat it.

Then hubby angry yet again. Asked me when I come from work is there ever chores left for me? A few dishes and he's asking what the hell I do all day. It is pointless getting defensive because he says I always have excuses. Poor me he scoffs.

I walked out. No point taking keys because he loses it if I try drive angry. I went and sat in the car. He asked me to come inside because it was cold.

Asked if I wanted to talk. I said talking does nothing but remind me I'm expected to act a certain way whether meds work or not. He said if I was self managing I would have gone back to the GP and demanded new meds.

What is the bloody point? Psychiatrist can't see me till the end of the month. GP says double meds (done) and wait it out. I told him I'm not a bloody Guinea pig to trial meds on and hope they miraculously work overnight.

I have asked him for one single thing in the two months since my meds were changed. To just BACK OFF and leave me alone. Neither he or the kids seem to be able to even try.

Today I was sposed to be driving into the city to take the kids to Polish school. I'm still in pajamas and have no intention of doing anything. Kids have played leggo and are watching cartoons. They ate toast on the couch which we're not allowed to do. I figure stuff it. He thinks I do stuff all anyway so why bother. This is what it really looks like when I'm being lazy and making excuses... My excuse being I don't give a shit.

I'm tired of trying. I'll do it and keep on trying because I have to. But if I was honest about what I want he'd realise there is a damned good reason he changed the combination to the safe. I am scared of the shit in my own head and all he seems to care about is dishes that I can't bring myself to give a damn about.

Sorry for the rant. I'm tired and angry and sad and tomorrow everyone will pretend I matter to them for one lousy day then go back to what I need to do for them. Yep I'm being all oh poor me but you know what... Some days I think we should be allowed to be.

Today is a write-off. I'll try tomorrow.

[quirkywords]

Nat

I am sitting here crying after reading your moving post.

Some tears for you and some tears for me as I can relate to so much of what you write as it is too close to the boneof what my life was like years ago when my children were small.

I was told (years ago) to try just a bit harder but I was trying as hard as I can. Why do partners think it is all about the medication and our behaviour and nothing to do with their behaviour.

I want to send you a reassuring hug and hope tomorrow is better for you.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Thanks Quirky for the hug and kind words. I need it.

As usual hubby picked up overtime, arrived home angry and spoke only to tell me the plans for tomorrow before going to bed. Couch is mine again. At least it is comfortable.

Tomorrow he and Mr 5 leave early to go help his Dad plant some trees, then they come pick up Miss 4 and go to the city to see his Mum. Oh and I can come if I want to.

I get that he is angry and fed up. No idea how to fix it or even if I want to right now. It feels like a temporary repair until the next thing he gets angry about.

Quirky I'm sorry you're upset and triggered. It really does suck feeling like this.

[CMF]

Hi Nat and a wave to Quirky,

'Yep I'm being all oh poor me but you know what... Some days I think we should be allowed to be.' Damn right sister, it is allowed to be about poor you. The way you feel is real, your emotions are real, your frustrations are real. You don't choose to feel this way and are doing your best to keep going. Some days are a write off, and that's ok.

Your are human and doing the most you can given the way you are feeling. How was your day today?

Hang in there and take care.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

Hi Nat, waves to CMF and all reading,

I wasn't triggered as such just a few memories but is good to share.

Some woman coined the term pity party and said it was a bad thing but I think a pity party has its place not all the time not every day but sometimes I agree with you and CMF that we should be allowed to at times.

I think bringing up young children, working and keeping sane and healthy is difficult and on top of that keeping a relationship going it is really hard. I found out later that even people who I thought had a great relationship were struggling and there separate rooms, couches , mental health issues, loud arguments etc etc.

I am glad you can write down your feelings,.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

Noticed you've been a bit quiet and wanted to check in and see how you're doing. No pressure to post, just concerned and thinking of you.

Cmf x

[White_Rose]

Hello Natalie

I am so sorry you have been going through such a rough time. Apologies for not supporting you. I'm not supporting many people at the moment because I get so tired. However I do worry even when I'm not posting. How are you going?

Don't know what to say to help you. You do know you are an inspiration to others because you are a strong person. You constantly bounce back from all sorts of situations though I know they take a toll on you.You certainly inspire me.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi CMF ❤

As always you're kind heart reminds me it's not all doom and gloom in the world. I want and need to make an effort today just to thank you and say I do read. And care very much. Often I wonder why you aren't a CC alongside me.

I saw your posts about little Miss and her hospital trip and was worried for her and for you. Posting hasn't been happening and I am sorry even though I know you understand and forgive.

Things are hard here. There is so much good. But every time I step forward something new piles on top of me.

Most recently it is illness. Both kids are now sick (cough, fever, run down) and now I am and hubby is on the way down too. He told me his work handed out masks (confirmed influenza cases) and the signs are there in us (few sniffles and we're all sore and so tired). Both kids are asleep even with puppy howling outside. I'm a bit scared because of the news about deaths.

Worst of all is the thoughts. I know I'm not well in my head. Doing a step down to go back onto old meds so I can be safe. But the statistics in the News don't scare me as much as how badly part of me wants to be one of them.

Told the psychiatrist I am exhausted. Two months of keeping safe has worn me down too much. He told me to step down slowly off these new meds but I've cut down half a tablet a day because I need to. I know my own head and I'm not feeling safe.

Please don't worry. I think I needed to just put that out there for myself. A reminder that if I need to be careful. There is so much happening and I am needed so the urge is to power through. But that isn't a safe idea. If hospital is needed so be it. I'll bring the kids with me and the docs will probably listen to their coughs and snuggle them into the bed along with me.

I wish I had extended family I could ask for help. But that isn't my reality. I know CMF that you understand and live this too.

I hope you are ok. Did you see BB has released a new part to their anxiety campaign? Thought it may interest you.

Love Nat