Hi everyone, I'm back.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

- mb20lover.

[Guest_4643]

I agree Mark.

I'm feeling really depressed right now. My cousins not talking to me is really getting to me now, it didn't a few days ago because I tried telling myself I didn't care & it's their loss. Sigh.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I am sorry your cousin's aren't talking to you.I don't think they understand your illness.It is hard for you when people stop talking to you and it is their lost but didn't make it any easier for you.We do need human company and conversation.The silence from people can be just as damaging as cruel words.How was your relationship with your cousin's before they stopped talking to you?Your always got this site to talk.
Take care,
Mark.

[Guest_4643]

Thank you Mark.

My cousins only added me on Facebook earlier this month, so I don't really know them. It seemed ok at first.

Really wish I could see my Psychiatrist or even speak to him. These meds are making me feel like a Zombie, I did tell him that & he kind of just said "mhm" like he was listening but didn't know what to say I guess, in the last session. I don't know.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Tayla,

I understand what being on meds feels like. Been there, done that.

It's a very challenging place to be in, in my opinion.

You might not realise it but you're a super woman for getting through so much. I've read your story from when you first wrote in and you haven't given up on life despite so many really hard things. And you still have challenges.

Like I said in another thread it's so good that you go for your walks and focus on nature. The natural environment can heal us. Same with exercise.

If you're having a bad day look at how far you've come.

It sounds like your psychiatrist is one of the very few people you've felt completely supported by and comfortable with. It's only natural to want those people around us frequently. It would be great if you could find some friends like that.

A psychiatrist is a professional and so he'll be more distant than a good friend would be.

Do you have any plans for next year? Anything to look forward to?

[Guest_4643]

Hi MM, thanks for checking in here.

Thank you for the kind words. Yeah I know he's a professional, I just feel like he's more of a friend. Because I have no friends, not in person anwyay. All of my friends are online, one in NSW & the rest in America. & people here of course.

Not really any plans & anything to look forward to. It would be nice if I could go to concerts again.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I am sorry your medication is making you feel like a zombi.I know that feeling.It makes it difficult for you when appointments are so far apart.I hope you can get it looked at sooner.You will have be persistent with your doctor and getting your meds reviewed.You are the only one who knows how your meds are really effecting you.
Take care,
Mark.

[monkey_magic]

Your welcome,

Yeah covid really turned everything upside down.

Hopefully you can go to a few concerts in 2021!

That's great that you speak to friends online. Perhaps you can save and visit America in the future, if, that's your thing.

You're still young so there is a lot of things for you to do yet.

Just remember what we focus on grows bigger. I'd write a list of all the things you want to do / achieve, like a dream board. It can really help you to focus on the good things in life.

In my 20's I got my L's - motorbike riding, became a fitness instructor, went overseas- Fiji, moved out of home etc. I did a lot of things that were dreams.

You'll be surprised at how much you can change your own life. No one can do it for you. You have to sometimes find the courage to step outside of your comfort zone.

Anyway I won't preach too much lol. I really just want you to know the grass can be greener on the other side.

[Guest_4643]

Thank you MM.

I have my Learners but I haven't done any driving, I'm way too anxious. I'm just a failure, never had a job either. I'm on the DSP though so thats 1 positive. But there's people who need it way more than I do.

Mark - yeah I asked my GP if I could see him more than once a month aswell and he said that him & my Psychiatrist are making it that I see them both once a month but like 2 weeks apart from each other. That's still once a month & I keep saying I can't cope but they're not understanding.

[Captain Australia]

Hey MB - sorry to read about your depression, it's really upsetting to see it in a life so young and full of potential.

I know from your vantage point you can't see that potential, and that's OK. In fact, it's *all* OK. I hope you can learn to accept yourself. When you write about about yourself with condemnation, please know that it's undeserved. You're not a failure. What failure even MEANS is purely just down to a person's frame of reference, their way of looking at things.

I wish I could help you look at things differently. I'm 50 years old, and I've just gotten through a gut-wrenching fight with cancer. When getting through all the dark stuff, I think I suffered a bleak depression, but in one sense I almost didn't notice. Cancer taught me to seek out your joy and be unashamed for it. Sometimes it's giving my kids a tickle. Other times its absolutely full-on slothful gaming, whether it's building a zoo or killing zombies.

I wonder what things you enjoy most in life ? They can be great distractions from pain.

You know what ? It doesn't matter what exactly it is, whether it's gardening, magic tricks or making crazy eyes at the elderly at your local mall just for the joy of freaking people out. Whatever it is, I bless you for it - and I'd urge you to pile as much of the good stuff into your life.

Even if you rely on a pension ? So what. I've contributed millions in personal income tax over my life, and right now I survive on a pension myself. My family finances are in a wreck. So what ? It's just money. People I've known for years look at my disintegration and avoid me. So what ? We're all on Spaceship Earth together, and if someone doesn't give you what you need .. well, excuse me, but fuck 'em. They're just not for you - move on.

You've found friends around the world. Why and how ? Because you're lovable to them. They are for you.

If you ever get rejected by people, or feel anxious about their treatment of you .. my advice is to try your best to let it go.

You have a RIGHT to live.

You have a RIGHT to be happy.

You have no reason to be ashamed of who you are.

Last bit of advice: if you're not musical and have never tried an instrument - buy a guitar ! It's intimidating at first, but once you fumble through a few songs, it really is good for the soul to make music.

If there's not much you can think of that makes you happy .. TRY STUFF. I'll have an online battle-rap with you, that would be hilarious.

Just never give up, OK ?

[Guest_4643]

Hey Captain Australia, welcome to the forums. Thanks for popping in here. I like your username and profile picture.

Thank you for the kind words. I really don't have any friends, not in person anyway, none at all. But thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your battle with cancer, I'm glad you're still here.

I do have a guitar but I don't play it. I'm sorry you're on a pension also and other things you wrote.

Sorry my reply isn't as long as yours, I can't think of what to say right now, my neighbours are being too annoying partying.