Depression is getting worse.

Cait333 · ‎19-08-2021

I'm not sure what happened but my depression and anxiety have never been this bad and I don't see it getting any better. I honestly feel I am beyond all help and just want it to end now. Every time I reach out for help I'm met with "don't worry, things will get better" and "have you tried taking up a hobby?" like... seriously? I feel like my world is coming to an end and the best advice I get is to take up knitting? I never feel like what I am going through is treated as an adult situation, rather I get professionals and others talking to me about my mental illness like I'm a five-year-old. I did have one doctor who after I repeatedly told him that I was miserable, put me on anti-depressants but he moved away and the area that I live in to pretty remote so when I got a new doctor, she wasn't keen on me continuing with the medication but to be honest the medication or the amount that I was on made little difference anyway. I am constantly being handed around to different teams of mental health/community workers, doctors, counselors, therapists, like I'm just being handed off to different people saying "here, she's your problem now" This is hell.

Sophie_M · ‎19-08-2021

Hi Cait333,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling so much and that your anxiety and depression have become worse than ever. It must be so difficult to not be able to see the end and think that you are beyond help. It must be super challenging to have your world crumbling and then be told to take up a hobby. Sometimes hobbies are great as a distraction, however, is sounds like this is not enough for you at this time. It sounds like you are very disheartened by all of your workers due to not being supported in the way that is helpful to you. Being in a remote can be very hard to find support enough as it is and we just want to acknowledge all the hard work that you are putting in to help yourself. We have contacted you privately to offer you support.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.

therising · ‎19-08-2021

Hi Cait333

My heart goes out to you as you face the growing intensity of your anxiety and depression. It's such a mind altering thing to experience, a combination of a growing intensity as well as increasing duration of certain mental health challenges.

Not sure what state of the country you're in when it comes to COVID lock downs. Do you feel this could be a factor in regard to the growing intensity of your mental health challenges? I'm a Melbourne gal myself and we are in our 6th lock down. It's starting to do my head in a little to be honest. Personally, I left about 15 years of chronic depression behind me some time ago. This COVID and lock down business is testing me in ways that are at times potentially depressing, for a variety of reasons. Every lock down seems to bring about a new set of triggers I'm working so hard to identify. It all feels a little like a swinging pendulum, with periods of highs and lows, with lows feeling like they're lengthening at times. Wondering if you're finding or feeling more triggers in your life than ever before. some might not be so obvious.

I get where you're coming from regarding people suggesting taking up a new hobby. It can be kind of like 'Do you think a new hobby is going to save my sanity at this point?!' While the suggestion can be made with the best of intentions, it doesn't stop you from feeling what's kind of like a feeling of hopelessness in the suggestion. Don't know if you can relate Cait - I'm a mega 'feeler'. I feel everything at times and it can be so overwhelming on occasion. I can feel my thoughts/internal dialogue, I can feel what I can easily imagine at times (good and bad imagery in my head), I can feel a person's weak though well meant efforts when it comes to them trying to make a difference to me (this can feel depressing). If there's one thing I can also feel and that's true inspiration. Sometimes it can be hard to remember what inspiration feels like, especially when it's been missing for some time.

Wondering if you just feel like screaming 'WHY AM I FEELING SO MUCH, SEEMINGLY ALL AT ONCE?!'

Cait, anytime you want to come back and vent your feelings, don't hesitate. I've found making sense of them is an absolute must. In order to manage my feelings, instead of them managing me, I have know exactly what it is I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. People underestimate the power behind how we feel life at any given time.

Cait333 · ‎20-08-2021

Thanks for the reply, I did get a call.

Cait333 · ‎20-08-2021

Thank you for your kindness.

Covid and the lockdowns that go with it have had a big impact so what you are saying might be true but even if that is the case, there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it, it's a global pandemic out of my control and talking about it doesn't help. I started cleaning obsessively at one stage and genuinely thought I may have developed Mysophobia or OCD, but I haven't spoken to anyone about that and I think it's more anxiety than anything else. I feel better being partially vaccinated and will be completely vaccinated on the 6th of September.

I know people are trying to help but I feel like they are more trying to help with mild to moderate mental health issues and what I am going through is severe, talking has little to no effect on me at all. This is not so much feeling everything as it is feeling nothing or doomed.

Petal22 · ‎20-08-2021

Hi Cait333,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you are feeling this way…..

I understand how it feels to have anxiety….. I had severe anxiety OCD….. this condition was very debilitating and sent my anxiety into over drive it was a very scary, difficult time in my life…..my condition made me feel like I was living in an internal hell… it was horrible…… I have now recovered 4 years going strong…… I was given the correct treatment of a antidepressant and therapy which I think is why I was able to recover…..

Can you see a different health professional and let them know how you are feeling?

here to chat

therising · ‎20-08-2021

Hi Cait

You sound so incredibly exhausted. I get what you mean about feeling nothing anyone could say would make a difference. I think the longer you're in a depression, the less chance there seems that his will happen (someone saying something positively mind altering). It took 15 years or so for that difference to come along for me. To be honest, I'd given up hoping for it, looking for it. While the painful sameness (in depression) is a part of what's depressing, in a strange way the sameness becomes reliable, almost like it's the only thing you can rely on. I hate depression, what it does, how it twists things, how it distorts our reality so intensely and so cruelly. I suppose what I hate the most is how we can come to identify our self through it.

With cleaning, do you feel like part of you is trying to create a sense of order, under the circumstances? Do you feel you might be trying to channel the incredible levels of mental and physical hyperactivity that come with anxiety into something other than thinking? When people talk about meditation, they don't often cover 'the ability to focus with blinkers on', blocking out thoughts. Are you able to meditate on housework without thinking? Kind of like you're just purely doing without thought.

It can be such a slow and painful process, working everything out seemingly on our own. Some things you can make sense of in days, some take weeks, some things take years and some take decades. With the added challenges of this year and last year, it feels like certain things are definitely being forced to surface, to deal with, to recognise, to manage. It' cruel how the mental challenges can feel like they're intensifying in pain and coming closer together.

Have you discovered anything about yourself you never knew or recognised before, such as discovering 'go to' things that you never fully recognised were resources for greater mental health or discovering you don't have much tolerance when it comes to the media, for example? It's amazing just how many people have largely turned away from the media over the past year or so. A lot of people seem to have 'woken up' to mainstream media, recognising the extent of its nightmarish fearful qualities. Not good for mental health, that's for sure. Maybe you've discovered some people you know who trigger you more than others for some reason. Waking up to certain qualities in people you never fully recognised before can definitely be triggering on a whole lot of levels.

mocha delight · ‎20-08-2021

Hi cait333 I think my depression is getting worse as from two Sundays ago I’ve been feeling numb or angry and I should I’m not been officially diagnosed with anything yet but my psychologist has mentioned to me casually that I have depression (clinical depression, social anxiety and general anxiety which I’ve been seeing her since 17th of September last year.

Cait333 · ‎21-08-2021

Thanks for the welcome.

It's wonderful that you are in recovery. I have asked a new doctor for a script for antidepressants and a referral to a psychiatrist. I think the thing is I am constantly being referred to different people and there is no one person who can just stick with me for the long run, as well as the methods for coping, are making things worse. I know there is no one-size-fits-all in treating mental illness but I have had no relief for years. I'm starting to have physical symptoms now. Last year I developed Globus hystericus, which meant I couldn't swallow properly so I stopped eating altogether and lost 22 Kilos in two and a half months, and as a result, had to have my gallbladder removed. I also have carpopedal spasms when I'm having panic attacks, which I have never had in the past.

Cait333 · ‎21-08-2021

It is incredibly exhausting. I know people have tried to help me and say something that would change my state of mind but I think I have just progressed too far to be talked back now if that makes sense. I agree that the fact this has been building up over a significant number of years is taking its toll on my overall health.

With cleaning, I just do it because I am genuinely convinced that if I don't either myself or a loved one will die. I don't zone out quite the opposite I'm quite manic the whole time. I couldn't meditate in that state even if I wanted to.

I can't think of anything that has triggered this current state. Social media does often trigger me but not looking would also trigger me because not knowing something activates my paranoia, so that's a kind of double-edged blade I guess. This doesn't feel like it's being provided by an external force though, this feels like something physical inside has shifted.