help! words of wisdom needed - bipolar 2, ADHD and ASD have ruined my marriage

[Miranda007]

Hi, I'm just seeking anyone's experience with my situation. Our marriage was on the rocks 8 years ago. 4 years ago my husband cheated on me twice and I have now discovered he is cheating. We have been married for 26 years. In no way am I defending my husbands actions but I do admit that the last 10 years have been harder for him emotionally and physically in the relationship. We have 2 beautiful boys, 1 is 20 and the other 15. The eldest has ASD/depression/anxiety and the youngest has adhd and tourettes. Our family life has been quite full on over the years, getting them to this stage but everything has taken its toll, Due to bp2 and asd it can be difficult for me to show and give affection. As we all know bp2 is a difficult beast to master and constant drug juggling. I feel liike such a stuff up, I feel like I am a burden to the whole family. My husband is a lovely, caring guy with a big heart but unfortunately I had only just started to trust him last year in the relationship after his infidelity in 2016. His multiple affairs and lying straight to my face, children being devastated, it has made all my mental illness worse.I am psychologically scarred and find it hard to undo the mental mindmap from that terrible time. We are supposed to go to marriage counselling this weekend. He told me last week hr wanted a divorce as I never believe him (i found a text on his instagram from his first affair). I have just discovered things on the bank account (singles sites, dating apps, a gift for the girl he is seeing etc. I feel ill, my anxiety is of the Richter and its destabilized my bp2. He doesnt know I know so on Sunday I will raise it in a safe space of counselling. I know he plays a large part in this downfall but I feel incredibly guilty that I couldn't do what was needed, put aside my own mental instabliity/road blocks. To make it worse his father died today. My husband is a fifo worker so flies home tomorrow. sorry for the rant but I really have no one else to confide in. My family don't know the reason for our first 6 month separation. I feel so hopeless, a failure, a bad mother, I can feel the rapid decline in my mental state. This happened last time and I feel I let my kids down and spent most of the time crying and sleeping. I hate myself so much and its just so exhausting in overdrive with anxiety. I had today off and I'm taking tomorrow off. I just want to run away, i cant face it.

[Sophie_M]

 Dear Miranda007,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Croix]

Dear Miranda007~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the Forum. It's been quite a while since you posted without any other replies. I regret that, unfortunately our system does not always work properly as we might wish. Please rest assured it is nothing to do with you or the subject of your post.

By now of course your husband will have returned from his FiFo and you may well have had some counseling.

Of course the first thing to realise is making the same mistake as I did. It is natural to judge oneself by the standards of a normal healthy life, which, as you can see, leaves you feeling adequate, guilty and with little hope. It does not take realistically into account illness, in your case your bipolar2 and ASD which limits your abilities in many ways - probably more than you expect.

Your family life, wiht two children that have Mental Health conditions is very hard and demanding of you, and if as you say your husband is a lovely, caring guy with a big heart then these things will place a burden on him to. He seems to have two sides.

In addition FiFo is in itself a difficulty in any relationship.

In short your a loving person doing the best you can.

Now I'm not excusing your husband's infidelities, and their effect on your would have been devastating. Frankly I'd guess the frustrations of your own illness combined with his dishonesty would be the worst factors.

I suppose in a way the landscape may now have changed if he was close to his departed father and he may need support. It is unfortunate he had just said he wanted a divorce - and for for a silly reason -lack of trust which he knows he causes. do you think it goes deeper than confrontations over his activities?

During all this time your life has been unbelievably hard, are you facing this all alone? I wonder if there is someone, family or friend, whom you can talk with frankly? They do not have to do anything but listen and care, that is the important bit, understanding may not be exact but the care makes up for that.

As it has been a while since your post would you like to come back and say how you have been going and what's been happening?

I look forward to hearing from you

Croix