Today

[Darekairu]

FEELING BAD


Everything is so annoying!
I want to smash something
I want to hurt something
Small things are making me so angry
The rain.
The cat screeching
The dogs pulling on the lead
The barking every time there's a noise
I want to scream
The walls creaking
The licking noise the dogs are making
The sound of my husband's speaker phone rumbling

Can it just all stop!

Why am I getting so frustrated so easily
I don't feel ok at the moment.
I waver between feelings of frustration
to feelings of boredom
Hopelessness
And anger
Then I try and pick myself up
And it works for a while
I smile and focus on nature

I can be in awe of the world
I exercise
I eat well.
But then something small shifts the good feelings and I feel on edge and angry
Or low and just sad

So up and down lately

There's nothing to look forward to anymore
It is all becoming so repetitive

And pointless

Not sure what I need or even want

- to feel better
Physically not feeling great either
Stomach not right
Head not right

What would I do if I only had months to live?
That's been a thought lately
No I don't want ro harm myself
Quite the opposite
As I don't feel I've got anywhere in life yet
All I know is I'm not happy
I'm not satisfied
If I died soon it would be such a waste
No real peak or purpose reached

[quirkywords]

Welcome Dareksiru to the forum.

Your poem is full of feeling and pain.
thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Darekairu, 

Welcome to the forums. We are sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. We're glad you could share here, we think a lot of people may be able to connect with the space you’re in right now.  

Please know that you can call Beyond Blue to talk things through at any time, they can help you to figure out how to get some help through this incredibly difficult period. They’re always available on 1300 22 4636, or you can use webchat or email. They are really good at talking people through intense moments, if that's the way you're feeling. 

Thank you again for your post.  You never know who else might see your post and feel less alone in their own experiences. Please keep sharing, if you’re comfortable to. How long have you felt like this? Is there anything that you think might help? 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Rishie]

Hi Darekairu

Your words have a lot of feeling in them. I can feel the frustration and emptiness your word portray.

I like what you said about having nothing to look forward to. I think that is one of the things that is so hard about lockdown, we can't look forward to our usual weekly outings and things. I go to Church, choir, writers group and bible study every week, now those things aren't happening. i think having nothing to look forward to adds to the depression. We all need the hope of nice things, like visiting friends or eating at our favourite restaurant or whatever. I don't know if you're in lockdown where you are.

Maybe setting aside a time each day to do something nice for yourself might help, even if it's only something small. Maybe there is some small thing you can do for someone else, like calling a friend or emailing someone you know is down, that might be a good thing too. Sometimes getting our minds off our issues can be a good thing.

Whatever it is, I hope you can find joy and hope in life again. I'm praying for you.