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[lucagabriella]

Hi, I am kind of new to this site, or any kind of mental health forum. I no longer feel like I have any words to say how I feel exactly, and that everything I do feel is kind of just a big blur of different points in my life that have all led to this moment. I feel the need to share everything I feel but also keep it to myself, and nights like these it becomes very difficult to contain my emotions. I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. I don't wish I was dead, but I often wish that I was someone else, or that I could be someone else and have traits I feel would make me a better person. I don't want someone to tell me to not feel this way because I don't particularly remember a point in my life where I was completely at peace with who I am as a person, and so simply telling me to stop thinking like this I feel is kind of just dismissive. I no longer feel like I can talk to my friends about these feelings because not only do they go through their own dramas, but they tell me often that I am the only person who can help myself. I don't feel like I can talk to a stranger because they do not know me at all; not my past or the way I deal with things or the way I think... how could they help me if I cannot help myself? I am afraid of so many things in my life. I am afraid to see people and catch up with them, I am afraid of parties and I am afraid of simply walking my dog past the main road. I am afraid to get intimate with people I care about. Sometimes situations make me so excited that it becomes so overwhelming I get scared, and so I avoid it. I am afraid of so many situations and possibilities and the future and the past and I hate myself so much because I feel it ruining my relationships with others. I want to be confident and I want to feel good in social situations - not disgusting and awkward and nervous. I want someone to give me the answers, or 'fix' it, but I know that is not how it works. I am here to ask what I should do, because I don't want to be like this anymore, I honestly cannot.

[Croix]

Dear Lucagabriella~

Welcome here to the Support Forum, a pretty good place to come to as there are so many here who have had tough times with mental illness and would like to use their experiences to help. I can see that you have already started to have a look around and post. Finding how others have coped can really help, that's how I started.

You are able to give a very complete idea of how you feel and the effect on your life of all these thoughts and fears. However there is one thing I'd like to say straight away, your friends are wrong in maintaining that I am the only person who can help myself. I've felt all the things you have, and in my case it is caused by anxiety, bouts of depression and other matters. There is no way I could have improved long-term without outside help.

If you have therapy you do have to work at it yourself- the professional provides the tools, but that is a different story.

Not remembering how you were, really not having a target to aim for, sounds familiar too, though I don't think it is a real problem. As things that are obviously wrong are fixed the you underneath will emerge more and more. You really don't need to be someone else, the intelligence, articulate and sensitive person you are is fine. It just needs the yoke of anxiety and illness to be lifted from your shoulders.

I don't know if you have ever sought medical help. In your shoes it is the first thing I would do. Book a long appointment with your GP and set out, like you have above, your circumstances, history, how you feel and what is happening in your life.If you think you might be overwhelmed in the consultation write it all down first then share the paper. This was my way to a much better life - not all at once, but I'm pretty much there now.

You can find more about such things as anxiety, symptoms and treatments, in The Facts menu above.

I was lucky in having personal support form my family. Some of the friends you have talked with sound as if they simply do not understand what happens. Is there anyone you can talk to, who is patient, cares and wants to support you? If a person really cares you won't ruin a relationship by being honest about yourself.

I've probably not addressed everything you might want in this post, however I'd like it if you came back and said what you thought so far

Croix

[lucagabriella]

Croix

This response was really a welcome thing to see, thank you a lot.
I do have a best friend, but I often find when I talk to her about these feelings of feeling stuck and afraid it always just turns into a big loop conversation that emphasizes the fact that if I want to see improvements in my life, I need to take that step. That is why I am here I suppose, because I don't think she can help me if I don't first try to help myself. And I think that applies to anyone in my life.

I've never spoken to a counselor or anyone about this before, or if I have tried they've generally told me to 'get out of my shell' and whatnot (far easier said than done, I'd argue). Your point of writing things down I feel sticks with me, because I've always been better at writing than I have at articulating myself, I'll keep it in mind.

The thing stopping me from seeing someone is that there isn't anything wrong in my life, like I have a loving family (I don't feel I can talk to them about these things, but I know they love me unconditionally, and I them), and I have a best friend. Yes, I struggle to make friends and there are many undercurrent problems, but they all stem back to myself. I am my own worst enemy - how does a stranger help that? How can a stranger tell me what to do when I myself know what I have to do, but just can't?

[Croix]

Dear Lucagabriella~
I"m glad some of what I said made sense to you. Before I say any more I'd like to point out I am not a doctor, like many here I'm simply someone who has been very ill, and is now a fair bit better. I only have my own history to draw on.

Now, may I speak frankly?

Firstly I think you are very much missing the point about your circumstances. You said you were reluctant to seek medical help because "there isn't anything wrong in my life". This is just plain incorrect. Family, friends and circumstances are nothing to do with it. It is the condition inside you now that is causing the problems and needs rectifying. Reading your post you sound most unhappy, afraid, worrying about ruining relationships and having many other horrible feelings.

As an aside I became ill with a fine career, loving wife, great child, no money worries and so on - go figure.

Secondly being told to 'get out of my shell' - or whatnot - is the sort of phrase that convinces the speaker that have done something useful but in actual fact is a nuisance, causing self-doubt in the listener without providing any worthwhile advice. I'm sorry you have been told that or similar.

You also said "How can a stranger tell me what to do when I myself know what I have to do, but just can't" Well for a start we are not talking strangers but professionals who have experience dealing with many. I do feel you are pre-judging matters. I was probably guilty of the same sort of error myself, it may have came about because I was not aware of what was available to help me, then again it could have been my depression thinking for me.

As for you being able to do things, there is a world of difference between soldiering on alone and having information, guided direction and support.

So you have my apologies for disagreeing with you, which I do mainly because I can see parts of my own experiences in your situation.

Please don't let it stop you from continuing to speak

Croix

[lucagabriella]

Croix

I definitely did not mean to imply I disagree with you. I am here not only for myself but also for others - I do want to be able to give my own advice for others, and similarly I'd love to hear what others have to say. Sometimes I feel like in life you need someone else to give their opinions so that you can view the situation from a different lens and get some perspective, and that is another part of the reason as to why I am here and why I appreciate your comments. Sometimes I can come across defensive or disagreeing, and I am sorry, sometimes it's just the only way I know how to explain what I'm thinking.

I feel a little ashamed that you needed to point out that circumstance is far from the problem. I agree with that, and I'd like to think that is something I would have said to someone else if I had been the one giving advice. It has definitely given me something to think about

Thank you heaps

[Croix]

Dear Lucagabriella~

I think you are already giving advice and interacting with others, and doing it well, giving some pretty good views. You are doing fine, making a contribution.

Also don't worry too much about interactions here. In a text format is is very hard to get everything down, and even if you do the other person may simply not be on the same wavelength and not entirely understand.

Continuing the conversation over several posts normally sorts everything out. Everyone here is looking out for the other person, it's a relaxed and comfortable environment as I'm sure you are starting to find out.

I have to smile at you thinking you might have given the advice you received. Looking in from the outside can give one an advantage, and I'm sure that is exactly the advice you would have given in the circumstances.

As for feeling ashamed because you did not think of something - you a holding yourself to a rather high standard. We all learn here, have to. I've learned today from your way of looking at fear, the concept of narrowing it down is not one I'd thought of.

You have lots of interesting thoughts, I hope you feel more and more at home here

Croix

[lucagabriella]

Not sure who will see this,

I've not been feeling too great lately, and I really just feel like I need to talk about it. Yesterday I wrote about it and shared it to a forum but it says it is awaiting moderation. I don't feel like I said anything bad.

In light of some events I came to this site (and I have visited various others, but this seems the most efficient one for communicating with others) in order to just let out the way I feel. For the most part, however, I've found myself being absorbed in other people's posts, and that has allowed for me to not only help others (hopefully), but to distract myself from my own problems and thoughts. If I got the chance to talk about whatever is bothering me, I don't know if I really could, because it is hard to pinpoint a distinct issue that can be fixed.

Yesterday when my post didn't go up straight away I felt a bit of panic because I had no distractions and was feeling really overwhelmed. I managed to distract myself a little, but I am unsure of what to do anymore about the way I am feeling. Currently I am in a study period, although all the year 12s have left school early, so I am in a room alone with no one to go to for a distraction.
I have begun questioning whether or not it was good to join this forum because I feel myself constantly checking it to see whether or not people have replied, however in a similar fashion I do this on my phone anyway.

Would love to hear back from people

[Ellie05]

Hello Lucagabriella,

I hope you are feeling a little better since having posted earlier. Dealing with anxious or depression thoughts is especially difficult when we are no longer in our regular routine or do not have anyone around to help distract us.

Like Croix I think it would be worthwhile speaking to your GP or seeking out a counsellor. Sometimes it just helps to have someone to talk to you who is completely objective and with whom you can share any of your worries without fear of being judged. Reaching out to friends is good but from personal experience I've found people who have never experienced these types of thoughts and feelings really struggle to understand them. This might be the case with your friend. This isn't to say that he/she can't be a great support to you. It's just that he/she may not be best placed to give you solutions or advice.

It's wonderful to hear that you have so many good things going for you in your life and you are appreciative of them, but this is not to say that it's a good idea to ignore the troubles you are facing either. When I was your age I used to struggle with guilt a lot because like you I had many privileges in life (great family and friends) but was still so unhappy at times. As a result I blamed myself for it and considered myself somehow broken, which of course only made the problem worse. The thing is, life can be really hard, even if we are lucky and have lots of wonderful people around us. It's okay to feel a bit crappy from time to time. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it just means you're human. There are a lot of pressures and uncertainties facing people your age and social anxiety is more common that you think. The good news is it that after you leave high school people tend to be less self conscious and less judgemental of those around them so it gets a bit easier.

One thing that really stands out to me from reading your posts if that you are very conscious of being kind to other people but you are not so good are being kind to yourself. Some people recommend writing a list of three things they are grateful for each day to help them get through a bad spot. Perhaps you could try thinking of three things about yourself that you are appreciative for or proud of? Remember to give yourself credit for the little things.

[lucagabriella]

Hi Ellie05

I appreciate your response - it means a lot to me. I'm still feeling the same because I'm feeling a little helpless, or just feeling like I'm wandering in a dark room and I don't know how to tackle what I am feeling. I want to get out of my head, distract myself, but I also just want to go home and sleep. I want to catch up with my friends to distract me but that makes me nervous and I don't really want to, because then when I am with them I wish I was at home. I can't focus on my school work at all, and I'm torn between only ever wanting to be at home in my room, and wanting to never go home and always do things so that I am not thinking. Going out is difficult because it makes me feel nervous and going out generally makes me feel self-conscious. Sometimes at home I am able to talk to friends on social media (although I do feel myself getting annoying) or watch a movie to distract me, because doing anything else tends to feel like I am avoiding things I need to do (like homework and seeing friends), and a movie always feels like 'oh, I can turn it off in 5 minutes.'

I have never been to see a professional before. If that's the direction I need to go, I feel it is a difficult step to take. At school I am scared someone will see me in the counselor's office and I don't want to have to explain that I'm not really sure why I was there in the first place. I also do not feel I can visit a GP because that would require someone taking me, and for now I'd rather just keep this to myself. I also find it hard to open up to people in person because what I'm feeling inside feels very complex, and to put it into words, or writing it down (particularly for a counselor), feels like it's defining my emotions and making them seem minuscule in the grand scheme of things.

[Zeal]

Hey Lucagabriella,

I've read through your posts on this thread, and you strike me as a perceptive and sensitive person. The low self-esteem and anxiety sounds as though it really dominates your life. As Croix mentioned, seeing a counsellor is an option. Making a time to talk with your school counsellor/pastoral care worker would be a good start. Despite not having negative people or situations in your life, you still have every right to see a counsellor or other mental health professional. Like you, I have a loving family and positive things in my life. Despite this, I suffered from low self-esteem and anxiety in my teens, and I saw professionals about this. Anyone can develop mental health issues or other difficulties, even people with great people around them and nothing "wrong" on the surface. I'm glad your parents are loving and kind, and that you also have a best friend. If you don't mind me asking, what do you feel is stopping you from opening up emotionally to your parents?

This constant checking of the forum sounds frustrating. I can relate, as I do the same with emails and social media messages. It's helpful to have downtime during the day where you switch off from online activities. Having a book on hand to read some chapters of can help, and music played on an iPod or external device (not through YouTube or online sites) can be calming.

I'd like to give you links to some resources that may be useful. You could save these to your computer, and read bits and pieces when you'd like mental health tips. It's important to emphasise that these kinds of resources cannot replace in-person support:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=57 (self-compassion)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 (self-esteem)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40 (social anxiety)

Self-compassion is crucial for personal wellbeing. This is something I used to really struggle with. Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness that you would show to others you care about.

I'm glad that reading forum posts on this site has been helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal