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[lucagabriella]

Hi, I am kind of new to this site, or any kind of mental health forum. I no longer feel like I have any words to say how I feel exactly, and that everything I do feel is kind of just a big blur of different points in my life that have all led to this moment. I feel the need to share everything I feel but also keep it to myself, and nights like these it becomes very difficult to contain my emotions. I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. I don't wish I was dead, but I often wish that I was someone else, or that I could be someone else and have traits I feel would make me a better person. I don't want someone to tell me to not feel this way because I don't particularly remember a point in my life where I was completely at peace with who I am as a person, and so simply telling me to stop thinking like this I feel is kind of just dismissive. I no longer feel like I can talk to my friends about these feelings because not only do they go through their own dramas, but they tell me often that I am the only person who can help myself. I don't feel like I can talk to a stranger because they do not know me at all; not my past or the way I deal with things or the way I think... how could they help me if I cannot help myself? I am afraid of so many things in my life. I am afraid to see people and catch up with them, I am afraid of parties and I am afraid of simply walking my dog past the main road. I am afraid to get intimate with people I care about. Sometimes situations make me so excited that it becomes so overwhelming I get scared, and so I avoid it. I am afraid of so many situations and possibilities and the future and the past and I hate myself so much because I feel it ruining my relationships with others. I want to be confident and I want to feel good in social situations - not disgusting and awkward and nervous. I want someone to give me the answers, or 'fix' it, but I know that is not how it works. I am here to ask what I should do, because I don't want to be like this anymore, I honestly cannot.

[Croix]

Dear Lucagabriella~

It's a big step from your point of view, but as you will have seen from so many of us here, we pretty well all think that help from outside yourself is the way to go.

Do you mind if I say some things about my own past?

I was rather overwhelmed beforehand and had no faith that I'd not get upset, confused, sidetracked or just plain afraid of saying somethings. In short I was not sure I'd present a clear and accurate picture of my situation. I took a fair amount of time to write out a dot point list in advance which I gave over a copy in the appointment and then went down the list. I was told at the end of the appointment this approach had been extremely helpful. I do not know if you'd be the same, I do know you write well.

The second thing is I felt very much I was no longer in control. This turned out to be quite wrong. The people I've seen have always left me in charge, making any decisions, setting the pace.

The third and final thing is all along I'd had a feeling at the back of my mind that how I was perceived would change, that I'd become a person who had treatment for a mental illness, something that would color how everyone, including those that loved me, regarded me. It simply did not happen like that at all.

All the perceived differences were inside me, people regarded me the same. Maybe I was fortunate, but I doubt it, I guess I just knew nice people.

I'm sure all of us would like you to keep talking, not only about your own hassles, but elsewhere here too if you feel like it, as you are making a special contribution here.

Croix

[lucagabriella]

Croix

Thank you, this was really helpful. I have emailed the counselor already about booking an appointment (because I don't really know if I can just walk in) so that I don't decide at the last second to walk away and not go.
I keep thinking that I'll get in there and she'll ask "why are you here? What is wrong?" and all I will be able to say is "I don't know", as well as being overwhelmed by the question itself. I definitely will take your advice and write down some dot points so that those feelings are reduced, I didn't really consider to do that so thank you.

I also like very much what you said about being in control. I feel like I am not, but it is comforting to hear that the process did not exacerbate that feeling of lack of control for you, so I will keep that in mind.

Thank you so much 🙂

- lucagabriella

[White_Rose]

Hello lucagabriella

I am so pleased you have made an appointment to see a counsellor. No, it's usually possible to walk in andsee someone straight away. When you do go I suggest you get their phone numbers. Perhaps ask the psych for his business card so you have all those things together.

Making a list of what you want to know/talk about is great. The other way is to print your first post and possibly your second post to give to the counsellor. Or do both.

It would surprise me if the counsellor did ask why are you here. She is more likely to welcome you, tell you her name and a bit about herself. Just getting to know you stuff. Then she move the chat to you and what you want to achieve. This is where you can hand her your notes or read them to her, whichever you feel most comfortable about.

I hope you will keep in touch and let us know if the meeting waas OK.

Mary

[lucagabriella]

Hi guys.

I don't really know what to do with myself, the counselor hasn't replied to my email and I know that means I need to go in, but I can't do it, and don't know when. The friend I opened up to has been there for me but now I've been relying on them, I am always talking to them to tell them what I'm thinking or feeling. I always have this need to explain myself and why I do what I do, but they interpret it as me attacking them, but it's just me trying to get them to understand. They just tell me "I can't help you" and "I have no advice" and I KNOW they can't help me and I know no one can just offer me any life-changing advice, but I only talk to be heard and to be understood - but I know being understood doesn't even help me.

Even if someone does understand I feel like I need more - I feel like just telling people what's going on leaves expectation inside of me. I always get this feeling of "okay, and now I will feel okay" whenever I open up to someone, but instead I just feel like I should have been quiet because what I said has been lost in translation and doesn't really replicate what I feel. And even if it does, people can't fully take it and care about it because people have their own demons to face.
When I tell people what I feel I just feel like I have this expectation that it'll just fix stuff. It's like when someone tells you there's a surprise, and no matter how good the surprise is you kind of think "oh, okay, that's cool", because in your head the word "surprise" just raised your expectations to an unreachable level.

I feel guilty being on this site. My contribution has been at a minimal last few days because I don't know much about mental illness and don't know how to offer my help to those here. But then I am sitting here complaining, expecting something back.

I don't mind if I don't get a reply, I just need to write it and put it somewhere, and hopefully knowing someone has read it will give me some momentary peace of mind.

- lucagabriella

[Croix]

Dear Lucagabriella~
I don't mind if I don't get a reply – of course you will get a reply, here people not only care but understand too.

OK, you are not in as good a place as you’d hoped, which is to be expected, it does not mean anything has gone wrong, you are very much heading the right way.

First off let’s talk about friends. Good friends want the best for you, seems straightforward? No not really. Most people have a built-in urge to fix things, especially what it involves helping someone they care for. When you talk about the things that are upsetting you to them two things happen.

First, unless they have been down the same path themselves they will not really understand, words don’t cut it I’m afraid. Secondly they see you in distress and can’t help – no experience/understanding therefor no tools to do so. They then are unhappy with themselves but answer as honestly as they can ‘I can’t help’.

End result they feel bad, you feel bad.

So what to do? Talking to friends (or anyone - except here or professionals I guess) about such matters takes skill and practice, to create a balance between what you need to say and what they can cope with. You still need that care and contact, so no need to clam up, just try to exercise judgment – yes that’s hard to do, impossible at times of great distress. No perfect answer I'm afraid.

Now for the Forum. You know as much as many and have been making an outstanding thoughtful contribution here. You have done so simply by thinking and then giving your perspective – please do not feel because of age or mental experience you should do any less than you have been doing – you are valuable. (And if you were not I would not have written this paragraph:)

With the councilor you chose email, which is a good start. Many choose email because it does not involve any actual contact, which can be seen as a less harrowing way to communicate. The downside being you are left in anxious limbo if you do not get a prompt comprehensive answer.

I guess you have need to get on the phone or go in and make that appointment. Takes a lot of courage and many here have had to do it, but I would think you see the necessity, you need to have a better life and this is a second step (coming here was the first).

Croix

[quirkywords]

lucagabriella

I am sorry to hear you in a confused and sad place.

You really helped me with your contributions to my own thread and you do not need to apologise. You have helped people just by writing down your thoughts. So many read here or never comment.

I am not sure if there is a counsellor through your school, or you may not want to use that.

Croix has given some helpful advice so I won't repeat myself.

Year 12 is a difficult year for most students and you are an intelligent person who is trying make sense of your emotions.

Take Care

Quirky

[Ellie05]

Hi Lucagabriella,

Please do not feel guilty about your level of contribution on this site. You're under no obligations here, just do what feels right to you. The forum exists to help people and I've found reading your posts quite helpful myself. Hearing you be so hard on yourself makes me want to reach out and give you a hug. It's also a powerful reminder of how I can be unnecessarily hard on myself too and how if I were a another person looking in I'd be sad to see someone being so cruel to themselves. When I get into this habit of negative thinking, sometimes it helps to carry a small notebook around and jot down the negative thoughts as soon as they come into my head. Just writing them down makes me realise how unfair I am being with my thinking. In time you can learn to counteract this thinking by challenging these thoughts with more positive ones. In fact, I'm going to make a promise to myself to do this over the next week. I've gotten a bit lazy lately.

[lucagabriella]

Hi everyone

I vanished for a long while (in part because I forgot my password). But I don't really know if it helped me being here and writing about how lame I felt and how I didn't think there was a way to fix it. I appreciated the fact that people read what I had to say in a moment of complete desperation. I appreciated the replies too. But then (and maybe now still) I wasn't ready to accept the responses I got (like "talk to someone" - something I still cannot fathom doing, but I can also see how that is the only next logical step).

Back then I was a lot more 'antsy' (for lack of better word) and probably more often was put in this overwhelming state due to something that had happened June last year, but coming back and reading it all I more or less can see zero change in who I am. I always thought after year 12, or by this point in my life, I would have a life. I thought (or still think) things will naturally unfold and happen spontaneously or naturally, or one day I will wake up and be a different person. I am aware that isn't how it is. I have spent over 6 years saying it and I can't deny it anymore.

I tried to go to uni but the problems I faced in my day to day life prior to uni (like crossing main roads, getting to meet new people) were amplified in the new environment - one that already for a range of reasons is stressful enough (and yes, I know it is for everyone new to uni), and so I just deferred (or avoided the problem, to my parent's disappointment). I do not plan on returning any time soon (something I have not confided until now). I don't have any goal in being there, and I am not prepared to waste money and effort into something I don't care about.

As a result I spend a vast amount of time alone at home. I have bad habits I am aware of but don't know how to break away from due to my own fears. My mum has begun to notice, and she suggested I see someone but I feel like it's something I will only do if I am forced to, and so I didn't see anyone.

If someone isn't at school, what do they do every day? That is my question. I work and play soccer, that is all I do, but I need more to give my life a bit of zest, ya know?

Sorry for the long read.
Kind regards, lucag xx

[james1]

hello lucagabriella,

It's nice to see you here again and thank you for your honesty.

It can be very hard to do the things we know we should do. Sometimes we want to but it seems too hard. Other times we just don't want to do them. Whatever the reason, it's very normal to be 'stuck' and I know I've gotten stuck for a long time as well before.

I will answer your question about what people do to pass the time, but if you don't mind me being honest, I am concerned that these other distractions could be distracting you from seeing a professional for proper help.

I have my own distractions but the only reason why I got very bad a few years ago was because I relied on the distractions all the time and never had time to really sit down and work on myself.

That is not to say that you need to suddenly get up and do everything to "get better", but even a fortnightly, or even monthly visit is better than none.

You mentioned seeing someone is something you will only do if you are forced to. I understand how difficult it is - I used to skip visits to my psychologist because I just didn't want to go - but they're difficult because they're really one of the best and only ways of actually making any long term change. At the end of the day, only you can force yourself to go. If it's hard, ask others to come with you or drive you or take you there, but therapy only works if you actually want to go.

Anyway, to your question...It can be hard adjusting from school life where there's so many things you have to do as part of school, to post-school life where you have to find everything yourself.

Work and soccer are actually really good starts. I would probably say that even having a single hobby or sport is doing a lot better than most people out of school. I started doing some gardening and have pets - both take up huge amounts of time. And otherwise I have housework like cleaning and cooking, I do rock climbing maybe once a fortnight, swimming once a fortnight, and aside from seeing friends also once a fortnight, that's me.

What other things interest you? Is there anything you'd like to do but have not done for whatever reason?

James

[lucagabriella]

Hi James

Thank you for your feedback. It’s something I agree with and maybe even the kind of advice I’d give a friend, but doing something is different from acknowledging you should do it... I’ll have to think these things over.

In terms of things I like doing. My life literally can be narrowed down to a list of five things: reading, listening to music, soccer, work and sleep.

I’d like to see my friends more but they’re busy a lot and I struggle doing things like walking places or public transport, and I just tend to avoid all scenarios where I have to do something that makes me feel uncomfortable. I know practically the only way to get over that is to just do it, but it makes me feel so antsy before leaving that it completely ruins my mood and shadows my day (if that makes sense?) It’s a problem that I’m aware that has in the past ruined my relationships with people as they perceive it as me making no effort in the friendship (which is completely understandable).

Otherwise im unsure of what I’d like to do more of. While I want to do more I kind of don’t feel like doing anything at the same time, and I thought maybe hearing what others did might motivate me

Luca 🙂