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[lucagabriella]

Hi, I am kind of new to this site, or any kind of mental health forum. I no longer feel like I have any words to say how I feel exactly, and that everything I do feel is kind of just a big blur of different points in my life that have all led to this moment. I feel the need to share everything I feel but also keep it to myself, and nights like these it becomes very difficult to contain my emotions. I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. I don't wish I was dead, but I often wish that I was someone else, or that I could be someone else and have traits I feel would make me a better person. I don't want someone to tell me to not feel this way because I don't particularly remember a point in my life where I was completely at peace with who I am as a person, and so simply telling me to stop thinking like this I feel is kind of just dismissive. I no longer feel like I can talk to my friends about these feelings because not only do they go through their own dramas, but they tell me often that I am the only person who can help myself. I don't feel like I can talk to a stranger because they do not know me at all; not my past or the way I deal with things or the way I think... how could they help me if I cannot help myself? I am afraid of so many things in my life. I am afraid to see people and catch up with them, I am afraid of parties and I am afraid of simply walking my dog past the main road. I am afraid to get intimate with people I care about. Sometimes situations make me so excited that it becomes so overwhelming I get scared, and so I avoid it. I am afraid of so many situations and possibilities and the future and the past and I hate myself so much because I feel it ruining my relationships with others. I want to be confident and I want to feel good in social situations - not disgusting and awkward and nervous. I want someone to give me the answers, or 'fix' it, but I know that is not how it works. I am here to ask what I should do, because I don't want to be like this anymore, I honestly cannot.

[quirkywords]

Lucagabriella,

Welcome back to the forum.

I am glad you have updated here as I was wondering how you were.

I was impressed with your contributions to my thread, your intelligence and you willingness to learn from others.

I think that uni does not suit everyone and certainly not just straight from school. I got far more out of studies when I was 40 than in my late teens when I was all over the place.

I think having 5 things you like doing is impressive.

think maybe for now work and soccer could be enough for you. Do you pressure yourself or are others saying you should do more.

Are you ok with your life or are you frustrated?

Thanks again for keeping in touch it was good to read your post.

Quirky

[james1]

Hello Luca,

What makes you want to do more? Do you not enjoy soccer, reading and music?

You don't have to answer if it's a tricky question, but it's something to think about.

I can only do 1 or 2 hobbies at a time (including sport) before I run out of time. Any more, and I get stressed because I get nothing done properly.

For the things I do (my gardening and pets), I just keep a routine so I make sure I do them, plus I schedule in free time to do whatever I want. This lets me relax without worrying about having to do anything. I can watch TV, I can run, I can read or even do some work if I really want. I think having free time to do whatever is really great and removes a lot of stress, compared to be completely flat out busy.

That said, there was a time when I always felt like I needed to be active and busy and if not seeing friends, then having experiences that I could later tell my friends about. But that was back when I was a little bit less sure about myself and things have changed for me quite a bit since then.

James

[lucagabriella]

Hi Quirky, to be honest a part of the reason I came back was wondering what became of your thread - I tried to pick up where I left off but it has constant responses so I’m slowly getting back into it. Glad to hear from you, hope all is well!!

To answer your question, I’m pretty frustrated with life. I’m used to routine. I like it - i would rather someone in my life said “okay, now do this” or “at 4 oclock jump up and down” because it’s direction. I’m more of a sheep, not a shepherd, so the fact I spend every day on my own doing a mix of the same 3 things is driving me crazy. I don’t have any career goals so I’m not really working towards anything, and while I’ve always been one to value and enjoy down alone time, it’s currently just been 6 months of constant alone time and I can’t cope with it.

So answering you at the same time James, that’s why I’m not really satisfied with the things I enjoy doing - reading and music and soccer are things I do to take up time, not in my free time (which, I feel, is how hobbies should be). I think something can lose its value when you have constant access to it. My life is just constant music, nap, chores, read, nap, repeat. But then I’m too afraid to create a routine that requires me to do something as basic as walking a dog.

People probably don’t understand what I’m saying when I sit here and essentially complain about having no responsibilities. People probably envy me. But I feel alone and it’s just a lot of time to ruminate, especially when a lot of my friends are out doing things unable to see me, or when I see others online hanging out with their friends. I get excited when mum gets home, but immediately feel foolish when after a day at work she’s tired (understandably) or needs to go out again without me.

thats why I wonder what people do to pass time, but maybe I’m asking the wrong question

[quirkywords]

Hi Lucagabriella,

Thanks for your reply in which you communicated well as to how you are feeling.

It does make sense especially since you have not continued with uni and you are doing other things that'd dont fulfillyou. I sense you feel alone and have much time on your hands.

Have thought of volunteering or is that too much of a routine for you?

I do not think you are asking the wrong question. I suppose as I open my shop seven days a week, I have little time to pass!! When I am not irking in my sop, I am either sleeping, walking or posting on the forum. Sounds dull,!

You can post anything anytime on my thread.

You are very clever and a deep thinker so having this time gives you so much time to think and reflect. Have you spoke to your mum about how you feeling.

I am interested in you and your writing .

Quirky

[lucagabriella]

Hi Quirky,

Volunteering is something I've always thought of doing but one of those things I just never have done, more so because I wouldn't know the first place to look or start with that kind of thing - but maybe you (or anyone reading this for that matter) may know?

One thing that's been a bit of something is tutoring - it's been nice to help someone out where I can (even though it's hard to say if I am actually being helpful, a subject like English is kind of difficult to teach, but hopefully I am being helpful), so I like being able to do that.

What kind of shop do you run? I remember when I was younger I'd read "open 7 days" at certain stores and wonder why it was still open 7 days later - your comment kind of just reminded me of that (which makes me laugh)

- Luca

[lucagabriella]

Now that I am kind of back online and looking over my old posts, I almost feel like I had (or still have) word vomit when it comes to speaking about myself... It's nice to be heard I guess, and when you tell people what you tell no one for the first time I guess you try to be as accurate as possible (which means more words and longer posts I suppose - I'll try my best to refrain from doing that always)

Thank you again to all the people here that offered their advice and help now and forever - with all the bad stuff that can happen in life it's awesome to see people being kind to one another

[quirkywords]

Luca

You write very well but I suppose we are critical of what we write and how we express ourselves.

I think if you want to volunteer, is to think of something you like or are interested in and then see if there is a place you can volunteer. Also there is volunteer bureau or something like that, that can help you find something local.

Tutoring sounds like it might suit you. I think it is a matter of trying something and seeing whether it suits you.

Quirky