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[lucagabriella]

Hi, I am kind of new to this site, or any kind of mental health forum. I no longer feel like I have any words to say how I feel exactly, and that everything I do feel is kind of just a big blur of different points in my life that have all led to this moment. I feel the need to share everything I feel but also keep it to myself, and nights like these it becomes very difficult to contain my emotions. I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. I don't wish I was dead, but I often wish that I was someone else, or that I could be someone else and have traits I feel would make me a better person. I don't want someone to tell me to not feel this way because I don't particularly remember a point in my life where I was completely at peace with who I am as a person, and so simply telling me to stop thinking like this I feel is kind of just dismissive. I no longer feel like I can talk to my friends about these feelings because not only do they go through their own dramas, but they tell me often that I am the only person who can help myself. I don't feel like I can talk to a stranger because they do not know me at all; not my past or the way I deal with things or the way I think... how could they help me if I cannot help myself? I am afraid of so many things in my life. I am afraid to see people and catch up with them, I am afraid of parties and I am afraid of simply walking my dog past the main road. I am afraid to get intimate with people I care about. Sometimes situations make me so excited that it becomes so overwhelming I get scared, and so I avoid it. I am afraid of so many situations and possibilities and the future and the past and I hate myself so much because I feel it ruining my relationships with others. I want to be confident and I want to feel good in social situations - not disgusting and awkward and nervous. I want someone to give me the answers, or 'fix' it, but I know that is not how it works. I am here to ask what I should do, because I don't want to be like this anymore, I honestly cannot.

[lucagabriella]

Hi Zeal

Thank you for your response, it feels nice that there are people willing to read what I write and try and give me advice - I am really grateful to everyone for that!
I will definitely check out those sites that you've placed there.

While I love my parents unconditionally, growing up I didn't really see eye to eye with them. To be perfectly honest I was a pretty bad kid and gave my mum anxiety at one point. What kid does that to their parents? Mum once admitted that I was "unbearable", and while I know it's true, it offended me. She realised it did and doesn't mention it, but I still know I was a bad kid. I find it hard to come to terms with how badly I behaved, or even to forgive them for some things that happened too. While my mum is very open about talking about feelings and relationships, in the past I have found her to break my trust by telling my dad or her friends, and I get that sometimes she just does it without realizing, but it makes me feel like adults talk about me behind my back and that kinda feels a little patronizing. One of the first things to surprise me from this site was that I was talking to adults, because I've always felt they didn't think much of kids like me, or that they thought young children didn't know what it was to experience 'problems.' I know now that that isn't correct.

I know I was the first child and they were learning, and I know that I was only just a kid (and still am), but that I am growing and we all make mistakes. I find it hard to forgive myself for the things I put them through and while things are okay now, every now and then you still feel the past creep back in a little. I love my parents and they me, but that is why I feel like I cannot speak to them, and why I am here

- lucagabriella

[james1]

Hi lucagabriella,

The others have given some wonderful suggestions already. I just wanted to comment on how what you've said has really resonated with me.

Even just in your last paragraph, what you've said about feeling like a bad kid. I always thought of myself as being a bad son. Having spoken to my psych a lot recently, I'm a bit more willing to give myself leeway. Like you, my parents did things that broke my trust in them a bit. Whether for that reason or for others. Perhaps she cared and loved me too much, but things happened and habits developed which would normally be called "bad kid" habits.

So I guess all I'm saying is that you were a kid and kids mess up because they don't know any better. They only know how to express pain in ways that others deem "bad kid" behaviour.

Now the kid is older in year 12, but it's still terribly hard to just forgive and forget and move on. Habits die hard and pains can linger, but as you can see, you're not alone in trying to heal these past wounds. We're all licking old wounds forums and we know it's bloody hard at times.

Many hugs to you.

James

[lucagabriella]

james1, thank you for sharing that, it is nice to know at least I am not alone in the feeling. It makes me glad to hear that you are more willing to give yourself leeway - I think that is something everyone needs to learn to do for themselves.

- lucagabriella

[White_Rose]

Hello lucagabriella

I think we have spoken on another thread. I have just read through all the posts in this thread and it has struck me how much your conversation has changed from the start until now.

The biggest change is your comment in your first post where you say I very much hate the person I am and can see that it influences my relationships with others, and obviously eats away at my own self-esteem. And in your second post you say The thing stopping me from seeing someone is that there isn't anything wrong in my life And in the same post, How can a stranger tell me what to do when I myself know what I have to do, but just can't?

Your tone changes in your fourth post, Sometimes I feel like in life you need someone else to give their opinions so that you can view the situation from a different lens and get some perspective, and that is another part of the reason as to why I am here and why I appreciate your comments. And this is what others have been saying to you. You need a different perspective.

The role of a counsellor is not to tell you what to do. It is firstly to get to know you and understand what is happening in your life. Then to talk about the whys and wherefores of all this. You get to make the decisions but with the help of someone who can give you a different perspective.

Now you are identifying yourself as a pretty bad kid. Well that's a big insight, though I suspect you have magnified your badness as you grow up and hidden behind it because you don't know how to handle life. A counsellor can help stop hiding and be what I believe you really are, a smart girl.

Some practical issues. If you are over 14 you can have your own Medicare card, so you can go to the doctor on your own. Getting your card means a trip to your local Medicare office and filling in a form. Cost is a factor so contact your doctor's surgery and ask if they will bulk bill you as you want to speak to a doctor privately. Many GPs will do this for people in your circumstances. The doctor is not allowed to tell your parents you have been there or what you have talked about.

Why not get yourself organised to start the process of rediscovering yourself. Once you have made contact with your GP they will guide you to the next step. And I think what you want is guidance.

Oh and one last thing. Why are you so convinced you must know all about yourself and how to get well? I am a grandma with 8 grandchildren and would never believe I know everything. I learn every day.

Mary

[lucagabriella]

Mary

Thank you for your reply, as I have said, it is greatly appreciated.

Seeing a GP I think is not the best for me because the only way to get there would be through my parents. I am not confident with public transport and don't go out much - my parents would notice if I randomly went somewhere with no details of where I am going. I also don't generally do those kinds of things without my parents, I am definitely not confident on my own. Nor do I really know anything about adult life, like doing things like that. But a school counselor is something I am considering seeing as it is readily available. If I chose to see them, however, I am unsure if they are obligated to tell an adult about me going.

To answer your last question about wanting to 'get well' and 'know all about yourself.' I don't want to know myself. I feel like my fear of doing things and going out really stops me from doing the things I want to, and that obviously impacts my relationships with others. Basic things like walking past main roads or going to parties require a great deal of mental preparation (with most the time me avoiding them), and I wish social interactions were that little bit easier because I want to make more friends and be more social.
As I have said I think somewhere on this site, in light of recent events I feel like I want to take action and do the things I want to without fear, because I feel like I am losing motivation to do anything and feeling very helpless and overwhelmed with my past present and future.
I hate myself a lot for things that have happened and for who I am as a person - I still wish that I were someone else most days, or I at least had better traits that would allow for me to be who I want to.

In saying that, I 100% agree with you. People learn every day. Never will I know everything, and always will I learn new things. I just want to get rid of my fear because I cannot see a good future for myself if I don't try to deal with it.

- lucagabriella

[White_Rose]

Dear Lucagabriella

Does your school have a chaplain or counsellor? This would be a good person to talk to. They are not allowed to discuss you with your parents, other teachers or anyone else. It is a confidential conversation. Can you make a time to see this person?

I have read some of your posts to others and I think you show great empathy with those people. You clearly know how to help others, so can you put that knowledge, those ideas into practice for yourself? May I make a suggestion? Sometime threads get mixed up and confusing for anyone writing responses. By all means write on other threads, because this is what BB is all about. When you want to talk about your own life and difficulties etc please write on your own thread.

Sometimes it is difficult not to refer to something that is troubling you when you answer some other thread. Just go with the flow. The reason for keeping your 'stuff' on your thread is that those who want to reply to you can find you easily and do need to wade though posts on another thread to find out where you are up to.

And I don't think I have written such a clumsy paragraph before. Dare not change for fear of making it worse.

Mary

[quirkywords]

Lucagabriella

I just came across your thread by chance.

I want to thank you so much for contributing to my thread while havering your own problems. I am glad you are reaching out . This is a safe place to communiocate your inner feelings.

Quirky

[lucagabriella]

Mary
I think I will consider seeing a counselor, it's a big step and the thought of doing it kind of scares me a little bit. It's something I'll sit on for a little to contemplate.
I also am aware of posting on various threads. I'm still learning how it all works, but I think I have the general idea of how it works now. I didn't mean to come across as self-absorbed or anything by writing about my own feelings on other people's threads - sometimes it just feels like it can be easier to give others advice when relating to my own experiences. Or sometimes their experiences relate to my own so I ask for advice.

Quirky
Glad you're here, much appreciated. Everyone here is helping everyone, and I am more than happy to offer you advice if need be, regardless of my own circumstances 🙂

- lucagabriella

[White_Rose]

Hello Lucagabriella

No you have not come across as self absorbed. I made the suggestion in order for others to post directly to you and be a place where you can say what you think. I know, from my own experience, that it's difficult not to talk about yourself when answering a post. And there it is, a comment about my experience to offer to you. Don't let me put you off when you have something to say when talking on other threads. Sometimes an example or experience from your own life is just right. We tell stories about ourselves in all walks of life because that's what makes it easier to communicate.

Glad you are considering a counsellor. On BB none of us are professional psychs or counsellors. We have exactly what you have, our own journeys, our own experiences, our own thoughts. And these are valuable and helpful. You are going well helping others. Just remember to write on your own thread as well.

You have written about your fear several times and the desire to get rid of it. Well I can't blame you, I do not want to be fearful of anything. Fear can be a protective emotion though such as the time I turned round in my kitchen and found a brown snake about two feet away, head up ready to attack. Apparently I screamed because my sons came dashing down the hall to see what was up. I don't remember running to the dining room either but there I was.

Of course you are talking about your social anxieties and wanting to fit in. No one wants to be afraid of joining in. Have you come across Shelley ann in your travels. She has a post on the Long Term Support Over The Journey which is called Just Want to Shout Out. Shelley was much like you when she joined. Maybe she still is but can manage her life. Drop in on her thread and chat. I think you will enjoy talking to her.

Back to knowing yourself. When we don't know why we act in certain ways how can we change. More than willpower is required. I certainly know I am afraid of snakes, though I guess that's not so different to most people. I am also afraid of people who shout at me, especially men. For me that is the result of living with a husband who shouted a lot and was very domineering. Trouble is, every time I am in anything like that situation I start to shake. Doesn't matter who it is or why. I find myself wanting to placate that person as if that was my husband. Well I did. I'm much better now because I know where the fear comes from. Does that make sense?

Love to know what you think.

Mary

[lucagabriella]

Hi all

I really appreciate everyone's input, it means a lot to me.
I think I have decided to see someone about this. Last few days have been pretty bad and I'm feeling hopeless and like something is growing inside of me, and it feels horrible and I don't think I can do it on my own. I opened up to a friend last night about all of this - the forum and the full extent of my nerves, and they have encouraged me to see someone also. Telling them has made it so that I don't think I can avoid seeing someone for some help. It'll be hard because the thought of seeing someone makes my skin crawl, but I'll do it. I'll let you know how it goes.

I thank everyone here who has offered me advice - I have considered it all and it is nice to know people (total strangers, may I add) are willing to help, but I think I need the help of someone in real life too.

- lucagabriella