I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Lameda24]

Mabey helpful advice

I wouldn't reread it just write, and trash. Why because other wise all those thoughts come back. I used to do the same thing but a friend shared her idea with me and it felt a lot better when I would trash it.

[gmc]

Hello Lameda24,

It could be helpful too, trashing it... I didn't try so far, I keep all of them.

gmc

[CMF]

Hi Gabriela

when I read your posts I can tell how much is going through your mind. You remind me of myself. My head wNts to explode sometimes. I too feel it would be easier to pack up and go sometimes leave everyone and everything but where would I go? I don't know. I agree with writing things down and then throwing them away. The thoughts come out of your mind and onto the paper. If you keep them they are always there if you throw them out they are gone. It's what I do would you keep a broken piece if furniture? No because it just creates clutter you need to clear the space. Look into inositol it's a sugar good for anxiety and drink dandelion tea it has many manyhealth  benefits. 

[Lameda24]

Yes, cuz when you re read it all those thoughts come back

[gmc]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your advice. You know, from where I am it's said that  dandelion tea cleans the body (and I think medically it's said too). I'll look into it too. I found inositol, but I didn't buy it already. I'll do soon. 

[CMF]

You're very welcome. Sounds good to me. They are both natural so give it time to work especially inositol. 

[geoff]

dear Gabriela, there is another page to read but I want to comment before I go there.

It's really good that one or two people stick by your posts and reply back to each other, because this is so important and makes them feel connected, and then continue posting.

Your post has an enormous amount of people who are following it, about 791 views, so there's a great interest in what is being said.

An alcoholic won't receive any help until they say to themselves that they are an alcoholic, because then and only then do they realise they have a problem, and then face a way that can help them.

It's no different than having depression, to a certain extent, that what your therapist has said ' it's depression who eats all my will' that now you know the consequences of what it's doing to you.

Now by saying this doesn't mean it's an easy ride to recovery, but by having Neil predominately reply back to you, there is no greater support than what he is. L Geoff. x

[CMF]

Hey Gabriela

do you have any hobbies. You know my mind is "full" a lot of the time sometimes I can't think about things deeply because I have no room left but I like jigsaw puzzles and crosswords. They make me think which is all I seem to do anyway, but my mind is taken to another place because I get totally wrapped up in them. I personally find it very calming. I'm still thinking but the things that torment me get pushed to the back and I feel calm and relaxed. It's just something that works for me and I wanted to share it with you. 

[gmc]

Hello,

How should I call you, Can't move forward?

Thank you for your thoughts. I have some hobbies too. I make handmade jewelry and decorations. I find it very relaxing too. I sometimes find relaxing hard to do, if you can imagine that... I only want to stay in bed and do nothing, but fortunately I don't find it an option lately. I also read and play sudoku. But making jewelry and decorations is my biggest one, I've also sold something of what I did.

You're right, it is relaxing and it helps.

[gmc]

Hello Geoff and thanks for your reply too. It is very important for me to see that so many people are interested in what we write about my story and it means a lot to me. Your replies also, very much. Yours, Neil's, other people that I don't know their names, but they are also important.

I'm glad it helps other people, but I wish I wouldn't because, like at this moment, my relapses are sort of big deal to handle...I am still working in finding a way to deal with them too.