I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[CMF]

when my mind is racing, as it does I start to write on a piece of paper, add to it when i need to, keep it a while, re read it and when  I feel all the thougths are out of my head I throw it away. when you type them here or write them down you are transferring them from your mind, it clears some space.  I find after I throw them away I dont think of them anymore it declutters my brain for a while.  look into Inositol its a natural sugar from a health shop.  good for anxiety, seems to work for me.

[gmc]

Thank you very much, I'll look into Inositol.

I usually don't throw away the files or the papers after I write, I like to keep them. It's like a diary of mine. I have like hundreds of pages from many years and many periods of my life. I hope I'd one day write a book on that.

[CMF]

Sounds good to me! 🙂

[gmc]

I have a problem...I just can't take it anymore again... It's my mother and the neverending problem of the renovation of my apartment. My father is very giving regarding money, my mother is obsessed not to be argued and beaten by my dad that she spends too much money. We argue that my father is out of the country and eventhough he was in, he would have said that the prices the decorators make are normal (and he behaves like he doesn't care anyway, he's just giving the money), and my mother always sais that the things I choose are expensive. I have some friends that say that those are the right prices... But I don't know what does she want from me. We had an arguement. She told a lot of the stuff she would have wanted the workers to do and I keep insisting that she told me what would she liked me to do. But she didn't. I wanted to talk more to them, but they let me deal with everything. Now she doesn't like it. I still don't know how does she want me to behave because she won't tell me. I don't even know what does she want and she tells me that she feels like she was miserable because of me. What can I do? How can I get better? I have this strong headache and my whole holiday is messed up because I don't want to come back at my parents'place where she won't talk to me because she doesn't know what does she want from me. I don't understand, she said she's want to talk to me more about the renovation, but I am behaving like I don't want, but there are some stuff it would have been necesarry to decide in an instant... I said that it would have been better if they didn't let me in charge of the renovation, if they thinkI am not dealing right with the prices and with their money...

This thing is just drivig me crazy. I had a nervous breakdown in front of her and she took it as agression and as I was making her feel miserable. Now that's something. I can't even have an oppinion on anything they want from me. These idiots don't realize that I really need them. What should I do?...

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela (beautiful name, by the way)

I hope I'm not going to be too harsh here, but I do want to outline a few things (as well as pose some questions too).

Firstly, you are your own person.  24yo, living alone and have done so for 8-9 years.

This place that needs renovating is YOUR place.  YOU live there.

Your mum has her own place.

I'm sorry here, but this is your place - YOU make the decisions.   I am a little confused here though - in that, you did mention money and you did mention renovators.   You've mentioned that your friends thought what you chose was good and right prices.  Gabriela, does this mean you can afford to get this done and done the way YOU want it?

If that's the case, then my dear girl - GO FOR IT.  🙂  🙂

It seems to me that you've done the hard work in thinking about what you wanted and then have even got the renovators to come to have a look at it;  and if everything is how you want it to go, then I really think, you should get them to do it.

With regard to your Mum - well, these are the unfortunate circumstances sometimes that people have to face.  Those that are often dearest to them can make their lives horrible.  I know, I've read it on this site too often where the Mum dominates and cannot see any other alternative, but her own.

To me, it sounds like you've spoken to your mum and have asked her questions about what she wants you to do and or what she wants from you - but she's unable to answer you.  I would give her space at this point in time.  Let her come to you.

As from what I'm gathering when you see her, it's bringing you down and causing your unnecessary stress.

You're a really super lovely girl who's been doing it tough for a long time - and just of late, I've noticed (as have others who are writing to you here as well) that you were just starting to turn the corner.  A new and wonderful therapist - taking initiative in your life, doing some writings/journalling - getting the strength up to take up study again - and on top of this all;  you are in the early stages of getting this renovating done.   Gabriela, stick with it all - we're here for your support.  I know, a long long way away, but we HEAR you and we FEEL your pain when it turns that way.  But we won't go away.  We're here.

I'll send this off now and hope to hear from you again soon.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Thank you for your words, Neil. I already did this, let my mom come to me, which she did, and it was initiative. I guess we are good now, although she felt a bit sick these days, after that event. It made me feel a bit guilty for that, but I am aware of the real reasons why didn't feel well. But today she got two kitties as a gift and she will be happy, I think. As I am with my kitty.

I am not expecting to get better with this renovation thing because I know that I am not doing it from my own money, but from my parents' money and I know my mother's fears. I do affort to make it the way I want it and I am not thinking in very expensive stuff. My father supports me, but my mother always thinks that I am paying too much, even though there is the right price.

She wasn't the only one who felt sick, I felt too. I know myself and my body and the way I react to stress and that makes me think of what should I tell to my psychiatrist about how I feel.

I would have a lot to write here about it, Neil, but I'll stick to this subject for now.

<>

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Thank you for your latest response and I'm pleased to hear that things are at least a little patched up between you and your mum.  And that she's taken ownership of two new kittens.  🙂  I'll bet they are cute.  🙂   How old is your kitty?

With regard to the money, and that it's from your parents - it shows the love and concern and affection and all that parents should be (well that's what I think anyway) and that they did this for you to get you going and to help you out.  It's a wonderful thing, as I'm sure you know it is. 

With these things of late, try to jot them down - dot points if you wish and take them along for your next appointment to your therapist.  What happened, how it made you feel, things that were said, etc.  And hopefully between you and your therapist, you'll be able to talk about some of these things.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

My kitty is 1 year and a half old. He is currently not with me, I'll have him in September, because I have a sort of a problem with the moving from house to house and I have to keep him at my mother's. I can't say how much I miss him, even more these days that I don;t feel very well again. I recognize the triggers for my anxiety and it's happening again... I had to lie - at least that's what I say to myself, because I didn't want to have to explain some private stuff to someone who's very much into my life without me particularly wanting it - and I don't feel well. It's something complicated, but this complication is not what I needed. It's like I need to confess, but I would really like to talk to someone about it, and I don't have someone close to do it, just you guys on the forum.I could have my kitty, but I think I must be grateful for what I have and thank you for reading.

The thing is I suffer from this loneliness and anxiety that is eating me inside and I don't find a way to send it away.

I am grateful to my parents for their help, but it's so much more that I would need from them, that it seems they can't offer, will never offer. And I'm sad...

It's so much I would like to write, so much I'd have to say, but so little I can express. I have a volcano inside and it's continuously about to burnt, but never does. I feel constipated with my own feelings, think about that, how sadly funny.

When I was at my parents' place, I was in that regression to childhood, when there were no worries. I could relax, but at the same time I couldn't do it, because I was in stress with my mother. When I am at my place in another city, I am alone and with the stress of very much that I have to do, to take care of renovation, to deal with people that I am not so willing to deal with, to face some faults of mine, to deal with depression and anxiety, to cry, to take meds, to be scared, to write reminders on the phone because I forget... You know, I feel like when I am in this kind of moments, I just want to sleep. But I can't usually do it. I started smoking again. Not that I am addicted, I just smoke like I usually had a drink, meaning once a week. It's like a sort of meditation to the misery I feel in sometimes.

I feel like I want to throw away everything I have and describes me and renew everything in myself, but I can't. It would be too expensive, but I can only rearrange and pimp the old stuff. The old me.

[gmc]

Maybe moving to another house it's the best it could happen now, even this new house brought me so much stress and misery. I hope I won't feel that much resentment to it.

[Neil_1]

Hey Gabriela

Just hang tough for a little while - thinking of moving house is a massive call.  This week could be a good one for you - let's work through this together - and when I say together, you've got a whole helluva lot of support here for you.

We're all with you.

Kind regards

Neil