I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Oh wow, your mind is going 100 miles an hour - just flat out.  I wish I could get inside your mind to slow it down for you.  I'll have to do my best being this far away from you.  Gmc, we'll get there - we'll overcome this.

You've asked a lot of questions in your latest post and that's great - asking questions is really excellent - and to me, you do seem the kind of person who is genuinely keen to learn and to pick up things and be better.  You also show through your posts and what you've written that you're a very intelligent young lady  -  just through your writing but also with what you've written about and things you've done.  You can make jewellery, which I think is a brilliant thing - you've taken on several languages - not all completed, but the fact that you've taken them on, shows you've got get-up and go and that you're keen to make something out of your life.

Oh gmc, I already believe you've got courage - in bucketfuls.  You've lived alone now for how long?  A fair number of years - and you've developed, learned and survived along the way.  That's courage my girl - you've got it.  🙂

Being alone is different - how can someone not be alone??  Well, that's a different question altogether.  But as we've spoken about before, you're young - just 24yo.  Things do and will happen in life - and I know at the time, you just want them to happen straight away, but unfortunately, that's not the way things work.  A lot of the time, it does take time and for the most part, you just never know.  The hard part about this is to try to not let it dominate your thoughts.  Try to occupy yourself with other things about you.

If I could suggest, that you try to focus now on Danish - and try to get going with that, I think that would be a good start.   Perhaps try to do little bits with regard to your renovating, if that's possible??

One last thing - keep on posting here and also what your therapist suggested - writing things down that you'd like to talk about.  That's a very good suggestion.

Stay with us gmc - and keep on writing.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Dear Neil,

Being in such a rush so many times in my head affects me a lot. I've done some progresses, but I'll have to manage more. As you said, I'll try to do it with others' help...

Foreign languages is something that I like, and this rush didn't make me feel able to continue with it. And jewellery is something that relaxes me. The fact that I can't focus on relaxation and doing things that distract me it's related to my "rush". I have tried to do stuff step by step, as with renovation, but sometimes I find myself in some moments when I get back in time to my dispair mood and I find myslef absolutely there, like blinded. Then I recover, but the panic is very high...

I don't know if you understand anything from what I write here, I don't feel that I am explaining it well...

I have tried to write things down, I've done on some already, and I've said I would, but I don't know on what should I write. I said I would, I planned to do it, but when I started to, things just went funny... What would you write? I'm sorry I ask...

[gmc]

Today it happened to me that I had a bad day. I went to the therapist and talked to her. I was supposed to bring my plans written so that we would discuss them, but I didn't. We talked a whole hour about this, even more. I felt sometimes useless, but then and now I think that why should I? Where I am rushing? She motivated me, she made me move from the worst of my moments. She arranged that I'd go to a center where they treat people with schizophrenia and they practice theatre with them. She was being very nice. I will call those people from the center and arrange a meeting with them.

I was down today, I felt that I had no purpose, I was angry and couldn't express it, I had no plans to follow and no way of finding what I want to do and no way to finding anything regarding my future. She told me that indeed it's very hard to go on this way, but you have to try...

I feel that I have to do it, but I just want it, I don't find it easy to start doing it. Wanting is normal for me, doing is far away from my inner possibilities...

Hard to do...

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

I'm so sorry that it's been a number of days since you posted and I haven't responded back.

I'm heaps pleased to hear that you've been to your therapist and for the most part it seemed like it was a useful session for you.  Have you been able to call the center that you mentioned??   i hope there's some positive news out of that as well for you.

I know that writing down can be sometimes difficult when you're feeling so 'out of it';  but it's at those times that it can be good too.  You asked what to write.   Well, here's the easy part - for the most part, it should be just for you - so gmc, write whatever you feel.

Perhaps give it a date and then just go for it.   Example could be:  "Struggled to get out of bed today - finally did so, but stayed in pj's.  Am feeling so tight inside, like a coiled spring that just wants to explode.   Am not hungry at all - but need to find something ok to eat.  It's a cloudy day today and that makes me feel worse.  Why can't it be sunny??

Gmc, I could go on, but that's just a possible example.

Neil

[gmc]

No problem, Neil. I must admit I was a bit sad about it, but now we keep posting and this is good. I had a small weekend at the seaside and I was away from the forums too.

I called the center, the one who's dealing drama therapy for people with schizophrenia  and they allowed me to go and observe the groups. I will meet them in September, which is great.

And I started writing about my objectives and priorities, what would I like to achieve and I will discuss it with my therapist. Isn't it good? I'm kind of more than writing about how I feel, I've done this for some years... This option should be nice.

Good to be back and good to have you back too.

Write soon.

[gmc]

Today I was so relaxed I almost forgot of my appointment to the therapist. I went and we talked about my many things, part of those were my objectives for the future, my wishes and desires. She talked to me about not only wanting to do stuff, but actually acting for it and doing something to reach my objectives. I told her about how much I feel I have no motivation and that it would be much better if I knew what's happening to me, why do I feel this way. She answered something I already new, but to be put in this context I think I finally got to be aware of it: it's depression who eats all my will. I feel like I was illuminated, for real. I feel I finally understood. I feel like it's my trigger point, like the key to my recovery. Now I finally can put a name. I have put depression in the right context, in the right moment of the discussion, and I have a name for my enemy. I knew about it, I know it was chasing me, but now I saw it and I named it. And I can go beyond it. And when it will try to get me down, I know who is it. Millions of thanks to this wonderful woman.

[Neil_1]

Hey gmc (I can't remember if I've asked before, but instead of gmc, is there a name I (we) can call you by??)  I hope that's ok to ask?

Firstly, your latest post bought goosebumps to me as I read it and I could sense the relief that you were feeling and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from your shoulders.   That feeling I hope stays with you OR at least, try to bottle it and use it again in the future.

I'm so happy for you about this lady who you've met, this new therapist.  YES, this is what good therapists should be like - to get the person who sees them to think alternatively and for them to manage the evil inside our heads;   and to teach us how to deal with it.

And so great to read that you've been able to put things down on paper about your wishes and desires.  And as I've written before, you can go wild with that;  because for the most part, it is only YOU who will see it.  But of course, there are the parts that you can take along to your therapist as well;  so it's all good.

That center that you visited sounds like a very good thing and so good that you got to sit in and check it out.

Hey, how was the sea-side for you??   Is it far for you to travel too?

And yep, we had a few days away, but all seems to going good again, hey?

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

It's Gabriela here. And yes, I wish I could bottle some feelings and moments. Like that one. I feel so free when I talk to her. I will keep on with writing my wishes and plans and we'll discuss them. As well as other activities that I do.

Seaside is 3 hours away. It was a short holiday, from Friday to Sunday afternoon, but it was nice to feel the sand and the sea and to walk on the beach in the evening. I wish I could go more, but unfortunately...

[Snoman]

As Neil said, it was so nice to read the relief in your post when you finally got to see depression as a separate beast that is making your mind say and feel things that aren't you.  Your post brings tears to my eyes.  It really does help to identify and name it.

When I first saw my GP and I said I wasn't sure if I was just "bunging it on", she said "that's depression talking".  That was my moment for me.  Sometimes the right thing said at the right time can be like magic.

I recently went the next step and gave my black dog a name.  I call him Luka (no disrespect to anyone named Luka).  I chose the name as it is similar and possibly related to the name Loki (the Norse god of mischief).

Having a name for him helps me to watch him, to remember he is always there.  Right now Luka is small and light grey.  He is asleep behind the couch.  He knows I'm not scared of him anymore.

With your new perspective, I am confident you will triumph.

🙂

[CMF]

Hi GMC,

Wow, you're not feeling great AND studying, you're a legend in my eyes regardless of the result.   when I don't feel well I cant even tidy my house. its true, we don't ask for depression/anxiety or whatever else we have and yes many people think its just for attention- what ignorance.  I used to shop on line, now I try and get out of the house and shop. I have a found a nice little café near home.  I walk there, have a tea and just watch the world go by.