I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Neil_1]

Hi Gabriela

Often times, words aren't really needed.   Perhaps just a smile, or an arm around the shoulder;  a hug ... not that we can really do many of those things;  but I guess we can definitely throw out a nice smile  🙂   well, may not be so nice, but it's the thought that counts, hey?

That is good to read that whoever is your prescribing person for your medication has decided to increase the dosage and the good part is that it seems to be agreeing with you and that it is doing 'what it should'.  That's always pleasing to hear.

Take care and keep on writing.  🙂

Neil

Another smile  🙂

[gmc]

Hi Neil

Just wanted to say that began to write to everyone I have an unfinished business with, so that we clear out status. Mostly to clear my feelings, and I am not sorry I did this. I just wanted to feel peace, to "download" some of the energy I felt, which sometimes doesn't make me any good. 

So this is what it is. I decided to put things in order and to speak what's on my mind.

Oh, and on 1st of December is Romania's national day 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi Gabriela

Hey, Happy Romania Day for the 1st December.  I guess there would have been celebrations, etc happening.

We had our own kind of "fireworks" near home last night - with the most incredible display of lightning (and a bit of thunder) as a large storm slowly rolled by.  We were on the edge of it, thank goodness, otherwise, being under something like that could have been dangerous.  But the lightning was amazing.

Writing can help to clear feelings - but I'm not sure about the actual sending of letters - I'm not sure if you were going to send them or to just write down your feelings.  That can be therapeutic and I have my psyche helping me do this at the moment - but for the letter never to go anywhere.  It helps just to get it down on paper and then it's "sort of" removed from my own system.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hi Neil,

We didn't have any fireworks and I woke up at 2 pm and didn't see any celebrations... But it's winter here now and we have snow...

About the letters... I did send them, oh yes. I need to say out loud some stuff. And I will keep sending them as much as I got any ideas and bad feeling to clear up 🙂

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Yes, it’s been a little while – time flies, but it mostly flies when you’re having fun.  Do you ever notice how it can seemingly slow down when things aren’t so flash.  Like for instance if you’ve got a sore tooth and it’s night time – and the hours seem to go by “oh so slowly”.   Not that I’ve got a sore tooth (touch wood), but I’m just saying.  🙂

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t been so flash of late and that there’s been a bit of turmoil within your family.   I’m not quite sure what a rough fight with your brother means, but I hope that you are ok and it wasn’t bad for you.

Gabriela, you mentioned about not getting exhausted when tough moments are happening – I find that difficult not to be that way – because I think it’s natural for when something not so nice happens to us, that it does really affect us mentally and therefore, it does take it out of us.  What I’m trying to say (possibly very badly here) is that “it’s ok to be exhausted in times of turmoil”.

And the feeling of you having a huge weight to carry and that it bears down on you – again, that’s another natural feeling.  But what we need to know or hopefully even accept is that, as heavy a weight it is, at some stage in the future, that weight will be lifted and you’ll be able to walk upright again and feel a lot more at ease.

One more thing, that when you encounter these kinds of low feelings, try to take some time out and to think perhaps why this has affected you so much?  Think, “am I really helpless?”  “Do I not have support?”   These two questions should be answered straight away by saying, “No, I am not helpless – I am a young lady, who is confident and who has been doing it tough for such a long time now, but I do believe that I am winning and these low feelings were just a small rock that I have to climb over”.    And, “Yes, I do have support – I have my counsellor, I have my friends on this site, I have my other friends, family and acquaintances, and sure, though not all are able to support me with my illness, I know that they love me and will be there for me always”.

Take care Gabriela and write again soon.

Neil