I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela;

Please forgive me - it's been 5 days since you've posted and I've been terrible for not getting back to you.  Things haven't been so good at the moment, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that I've been away for so long.

I'm sooooo pleased to hear that things are looking up for you regarding "YOUR place".  That was good to read.  I hope things over the past few days have been good for you.

Did you end up getting the couch??

With the suggestion you made to your therapist about taking your parents along for session together - what did you therapist say to that?

Has there been any further developments in that?

Gabriela - how ARE you feeling at the moment??

Neil

[gmc]

Dear Neil,

Sorry for being away for this long, but I have been very busy and a lttle depressed. I had some arguements with my brother, some with my mother... I am very busy with my apartment (the one supposed to be my apartment). I am feeling a bit down, but I am happy today after a meeting I had. Still, I wish I could find some more power to take things over, to just feel better. I feel that I have the power, the strenght to do it, but there is something very strong that doesn't let me do it. Like the past is hunting me. I want to let things go, but it's too hard to do it, I have a great weight on myself...

[gmc]

Dear friends,

I have been away and I have missed BB a lot. You have been my support and I like to think I have supported others as well - returning the help I received. In this new place I am living in there is no internet and I have to borrow from my neighbours, which is not great at all because I can't always check and stay online as much as I'd like. The things is that I hope this all changes soon and this is the start.

I had bad days lately... Just feeling bad. My therapist says things are going in a good direction, sometimes I feel that too, but it's just that things seem too heavy for me. I get annoyed a lot, I get disappointed very fast, I sometimes think I am starting to be bipolar because I get so enthusiastic abut some things, then I just get very sad because I can't find the energy to move forward and do all the things I'd like to do and that I would have the capacity to do.

I also have an obsession lately with a singer from UK and I wrote to her on twitter and she replied twice, then she didn't. And the thing is I feel hopeless. I want to have a friend near me, I started to think like a child that I could keep in touch with a VIP already. I was told that these feelings I have are from the lack of self confidence, that I have to start controlling my thoughts to start beeing stronger. But what I do is listening over and over her music and checking her profiles. I feel badly, as an obsessed stalker, the last of the human kind.

I am feeling bad tonight, folks.I feel like I have some very big obstacles in my way and I am just not able to breath and move forward.

[gmc]

Dear beyondblue guys,

I was very touched by the e-mail I received from you. I don't know if I can manage to put your advice in practice, but it definetly does good to me receiving such message, so thank you very much. What does best to me is that I know I am not alone in this...

[gmc]

Hello everyone,

Long time no written.

I am bacl in the supermassive black hole again. Someone offended me in my own house, I will soon be broke, my mother keeps sucking the energy out of me and I am feeling very down. On one hand I should be happy, on the other I am feeling very sick. I need another job and I can't find it. My house is a mess. My friends are away and I can't reach them. I am having bad moods and I can't find anything to concentrate on. I only find reasons to feel down. It's like I don't get to see my therapist yet.

Please help.

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

As you know, I’ve been away too but am slowly coming back to this wonderful site.  It saddens me to hear that things aren’t going so well for you – and that it’s been that way for a while now.

I’m not quite sure what you mean when you said, someone offended you – as in, they were visiting and said something nasty to you??  If so, that’s definitely not a nice thing to happen and I hope you were able to ask them to leave immediately?

With regard to your Mum, is it possible to kind of limit the amounts of time you see her or limit the times that phone calls are made to her??  This could be a way of getting away from this issue as the contact that you have with her is never normally very positive.

The house being a mess – can really play havoc on a troubled mind – and yet, when it’s lovely and tidy, I find it has a very positive effect.  It’s just the effort that’s needed to get it to that stage.  Take one room at a time and don’t look at it in a big sense.  Start say in one area or one corner of it and commence the tidy up.  For example when the kitchen looks all over the place;  with plates, jars, bottles, cutlery and other things;  to look at it ALL can really be bad – but I just start from one end and pick up an item and deal with it and then continue on.  Doing it this way for me is also kinda therapeutic and then to see the finished, completed product (clean and tidy and everything put away, etc) is a very pleasing result.

I hope you can get back to us soon.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

hello dear Neil,

It's not like it's been bad for me lately, because there have been some happy moments for me too and those were very often, but there have been some bad moments too.Most of the parts when I am not that happy is because I can't be with my mom mostly because I care so much about her and that she ca't get me as I would want het to understand.

The house looks better, although, I need more money for the furniture, which I don't have at the time, and more will to dedicate myself and be more enthusiastic. There are some moments when I just can't enjoy the good that happens in my life...

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Always great hearing back from you – just amazing with you being where you are in this world and with the majority of the forum members being in Australia.  Ahhh, technology, ain’t it a wonderful thing.

Happy moments are to be treasured and cherished.  If you can capture them and hold them close and drink in those feel good feelings, that makes them even more worthwhile.

Gabriela – with regard to your Mum, is it possible to have just shorter planned visits with her – or to meet for a coffee or a lunch sometime;  and just chat about “whatever”.  Trying to keep the time together a bit shorter, so it kind of reduces the chance for things to go not so good or awkward between the two of you.  I do get a strong sense of your love and care for your Mum that you have and that is so wonderful.   I do so hope that you can somehow find a happy medium where she is able to spend time with you without making it be not so pleasant.

Take care my dear friend,

Neil

🙂

[gmc]

Hi again Neil,

Thanks for your advice, always a pleasure to hear from you. I have been thinking a lot about my mother lately. About how unpleasant things are for her, about what she gets from me and what she does not understand and what she won't ever, so I got to the idea that I would rather keep strong and the one in charge of managing this relationship - don't know if you can get me, but I talk about the fact that I am aware of the fact that I am very much ahead of her in thinking and reasoning, so I would better try to let it go and manage it from a better position. Just to try and be as close as possible so that our relationship would also not damage and be restricted. So - I will keep the balance between short time together and be as close as our ways of understanding each other may be. Hope it's better this way.

Dear Neil, I am so very happy about these wonders of technology and the fact that we can talk from miles away and I do hope one day we meet via BeyondBlue meetings with all of you.

Chat soon,

Gabriela

[Neil_1]

Hey Gabriela

What a great response you’ve provided.  And yes, you obviously “have” been thinking a lot about it – and you’ve come up with a thoughtful and very reasonable option to hopefully make things work as well as they can between you and your Mum.

I hope you’re able to come back and let us know how it pans out?

Neil