I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[CMF]

Hi

Every little bit helps. wow handmade jewellery how beautiful. I used to make gift cards for birthdays and weddings etc also. I sold some just in my local community. My daughter tells me I should start up again but with 3 kids I barely have time and I'm exhausted at night. You're very talented. Yes I understand not being able to relax. I go through this but I have good and bad weeks. Do you find this too?  Where do you sell you jewellery and decorations? Craft markets would be good or you should look at having a website. I think it would bring you a lot of satisfaction and give you a lot of purpose. When I feel really down I feel like I'm just nothing. I don't do anything that's any good. When we have a purpose we realise we are just as important as anyone else and we feel stronger. This strength helps us deal with other people and the things they say or think of us.  something I have trouble with at times. 

[gmc]

Hi there,

Why not starting again? I used to go to craft fairs and I really want to start again, I would need some extra money... I have a website too and a social media page, but I would need to take care of them more than I do. But I didn't do anything about it lately. I was very down. I have some let's say not that bad moments, and I have some very bad ones. I am trying to find my purpose in my work and my plans and my desires, in what defines me as a person, that to feel important. Hope I'll manage that, with some help. People don't worry me anymore. Loneliness has been my company because I couldn't be around people that accepted me. Now I first want to accept myself, then people who accept me for what I am will come without me looking for them. I am not afraid of loneliness anymore. I know I will be fine.

What do you think of that? 🙂

[Snoman]

Hi gmc,

Your post reminded me of something a psychologist once said to me about finding happiness (I think he got it from someone else, but I can't remember where/who):

Know yourself.  Accept yourself.  Forget yourself.

First you need to know who you are, how you & your body react to events and situations.  You need to observe your thoughts without judgement.

Then you need to accept that that is how you are, and that it is ok.  We are not perfect, but that is ok.  We accept the imperfections in our friends, so we need to do that within ourselves.

Finally, we need to let go of paying so much attention to ourselves.  Just like our closest friends and loved ones may have some distinguishing feature about their face or some disability, over time we don't even see it.  All we see is the person.

You didn't ask for your body and its various characteristics, but it is the vehicle you were issued with to get around on this planet.  You didn't ask for your illness and other people didn't ask for theirs.  Your depression will make your brain think weird thoughts sometime and make your body have related physical reactions and emotions.  They are not your normal thoughts, they are just in your head where no one else can hear them.

You will be fine.

What do I think of that?  Pretty good stuff to me.

Tony

[gmc]

Hello Tony,

Sounds pretty good to me too. Thanks for sharing that. I really hope I'll be fine too.

Thanks for replying. Hope to read from you soon.

[CMF]

What do I think of that?  I think you are creative, talented and very intelligent. I wish I reAlised a long time ago not to be afraid of loneliness. I love whatTony said. If only someone told me that many years ago. How is everything else going? What do you do for work?  When you feel ready I think definitely work on your website nod your jewellery/ decorations. Not only do they relax you, you can make extra money! I can tell already that your mind is a bit clearer and you feel a bit calmer. Did you try the inositol yet?  The person who started me on it told me today that I am looking better and more like the person I really am, who I should be. That was nice as I had forgotten who I really am. 

[gmc]

Hello,

Thank you for your words. I think you and Tony are right, not to be afraid. I embrace it.

I am on vacation now, I'll start working again on Monday. I am busy with the renovation of a new apartment and I am preparing to move to that place.

My mind is a bit clearer now. I have calmed down a bit. I hope I am looking better too. I've started decorations again too. And I ordered inositol, waiting to try it and I'll write my opinion. 

Thanks again 🙂

[CMF]

Fantastic. Take 1/4 teaspoon each day with a banana or piece of fruit. Give it some time but I think you will feel the difference. 

[Neil_1]

Hey Gabriela

I didn't come here for a little while and wowee, the posts have been flowing back and forth - which is absolutely brilliant.  And some great posts and advice has been provided to you.  Really really pleasing to see and read.

Hey, you're on vacation at the moment - that's always nice and it can make for a more stable and happy mind-frame.  Not all the time, but it can have that effect.  I'm sensing that you are sounding just that little bit more comfortable at the moment.

I'm really pleased to read in your latest post the things that you've got happening.

when you say you're moving to a new apartment - is that a full time move and is the new apartment fairly close to your current place?   Bigger?  Either way, that is an exciting time - the move to a new place - yes, can be a bit stressful before and during, but the after stage is great.  It's all new and things to explore and check out and to start up living in your NEW place.

Would love to hear more about it.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

Yes, I am having a nice time with people on the forum. Glad you're back again.

I am ok at the moment, trying to enjoy the holiday, but I actually can't because I have to work for the new apartment. It's kind of close, bigger, kind of downtown. Hope it won't be too noisy.

I feel tired... I can make it and relax a bit, but not like I wanted to. I wanted to go see the mountains, to enjoy fresh air, not to work anymore, but I guess I can't. I'll have to find some other ways to relax. I can't even sleep longer or stay more at home... I'll manage somehow...

[Neil_1]

Gabriela

That new apartment sounds really lovely - wow, it MUST be downtown if you're thinking it might be noisy.  Hope that you're a number of floors up - and if so, you might even have a nice view as well??

Small steps my friend, small steps.  Just take things nice and easy and slow.  Wow, one weekend you were able to go to the seaside and then you've also got the option of going to the mountains as well.  A very nice location you must live.

Well, if you can't make it to the mountains now - see if you can put aside some time in the "not too distant" future, so you can do just that.  Plan it - and then if all goes to plan, you'll have something nice to really look forward too.

Just a thought.

Neil