I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

It's third floor. The view is not that great, the street only, but it's a nice part of the city. The entire city is a mixture of everything you wanna find in one. As well as the whole country. Seaside, mountains (that I will see for sure this year sometime), in fact everything but desert and icebergs - although in some times of the year...

The not-so-distant-future is to the apartment most of it, but I'll manage.

These days were very physically stressful and there will be more to come for it.

[HelenM]

Hi gmc

I've really appreciated your posts to help me. It seems you find the forum helpful. I know I do. I think it's nice to know that no-one judges you. I live in Scotland and I think you live in Europe too. Yet it's Australia where we've found so much help. I was on an Irish site before and although people were nice it was very cliquey and it was easy to feel left out.

I hope you're liking your new apartment and settling in well.

Take care, Helen

[gmc]

Hello Helen,

Your post made me very happy. Yes, I live in Europe too and I find Australia great :). I didn't even try the forums in my country, I know the people's mentality, I've read the forums and it's the same as you say, they are very cliquey and also cliche.

I am taking my stuff there today and completely moving to the apartment from Wednesday. I hope it will be ok...

Thank you so much, Helen, and take care too.

Gabriela

[CMF]

Well how silly am I. I didn't even realise this forum was world wide. It goes to show no matter where we are in the world we can still help each other. I also like that it's non judgmental because sometimes we don't know if the person we are helping is male or female or what nationality they are. We are just all here to be friends to each other no matter what. 

so is your renovation finished Gabriela?  How exciting. How are things with your mum?  Good luck with the move on Wednesday. How exciting for you. It will be great. 

[gmc]

Hello Can't move forward,

I used to feel an outsider at the beginning, but now I feel so good with the people on these forums. Now we can be friends and I like feeling useful to people who help me too.

The renovation is almost ended, now I have to decorate it, which will take longer because I can't decide easily and I don't have a complete plan on what to buy. My mother is ok, I guess, she's as she always is, I hope I explained some things to her and understood. I will move on Wednesday, but I'll have no furniture... I hope it will be ok.

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela;

A quick silly story first:   a mate of mine moved into a new place years ago and his call was "All I'll need is a fridge to start off with".  I asked how come?   He said, "Well, I can load it full of beer and drink - and when I've had enough I'll lie down anywhere and fall asleep - hence no need for a bed".  True story, in that he actually SAID it, but I think on reflection he managed to get a bed, chair and table and fridge.  🙂  🙂

And yes, I've said it before and will say it again, "ain't technology grand, where we can be in different places of the world and yet on here, we're like only a keyboard & monitor away from each other".  I really think that's comforting to know.

The other thing that Helen mentioned, but also backed up Gabriela & Can't Move Forward is the non-judgemental thing on this site.  That's another reason I love this site so much.  Everyone comes here and can post away and give accounts of themselves and their experiences and they are all equally taken in;  given advice and guidance when possible but above all else, they are given support.  The support that is quite often lacking in their own lives.  In fact I might say in "our" own lives - not just their.  🙂

It's Tuesday morning as I write this Gabriela, so not too much longer now till you move.  The move and settling in to a new place is always very exciting - or at least I've found that in the past.  I hope you're getting a bit excited about this - and hey, keep on coming here and posting about how you're doing as well.  We're here for you.

Neil

[CMF]

Hey Gabriela,

you know what, I think having no furniture is part of the fun because it can only grow better from here. You will have something to focus on and enjoyed decorating  and setting up your new home. Take lots of photos as you go so one day you can look back on them and realise how far you have come and what you have achieved. I'm so excited for you. I feel it's a fresh start  hopefully the calm after the storm And I'm even a little  jealous :-). 

Good luck and please let us know how it's going and how you're feeling. 

[gmc]

Hello you guys and thank you for your answers.

As you all get excited for me, I get excited too.

To begin, I went to the psychiatrist today and I got at his suggestion a slight increase of dosage. As you write, it's morning to you, 7 hours later it's morning for me too.

Back to the house, Neil, I want a fridge too, not for the bear though, and a washing machine. To begin. Can't move forward, I will enjoy decorating, hope my mother doesn't interfeer too much, as she usually does in this kind of moments. Don't know if I'd take pictures, but I hope it finishes sooner.

I am a bit overwhelmed today by all the stuff I have to do, and I hope I'll be ok today.

[Neil_1]

Always great hearing back from you gmc;

Now hey, when you get these feelings of being overwhelmed with all the stuff you've got to do.  STOP.  Sit down and have a think and take some good deep breaths;  in and out;  nice and slow.

Then get yourself a piece of paper and a pen - then slowly work through all the things that are in your mind.  Just list them down - either dot point or number them.

THEN when you've got all the things that you think are on your mind - go back to them, and one-by-one put a day of the week or a date next to them for when they absolutely 100% HAVE to be done by.

By doing this, hopefully you'll find that say, out of a list of 10 things, there might be only TWO things that you absolutely positively have to get done by today.  You might be able to see that some of the other things, though very important for you, might just be able to be put off for a little while;  thus freeing you up and not making things so burdensome to you.

Just a thought;  I hope it works.

Neil

[gmc]

Thanks Neil, I'll try that too.I need it for sure.

I feel a bit funny now that I got the increase of dosage... a bit agitated. I hope it's not only because of this and it will go soon.