I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[HelenM]

Hi Gabriela,

I would say that your agitation is a temporary side effect of your increased dosage. I think these things go after a couple of weeks.

Helen

[Neil_1]

Hi Gabriela

That's great that you've let us know about how you're feeling - and I think Helen is right with her response to you.

Give it a week or so to see how you feel - but also keep it monitored as well;   and then in two weeks if you're still feeling that same level of agitation, it may well be worth going back to your prescribing professional to let them know how you're travelling.

But hopefully it'll settle down and even MORE hopefully it'll begin to work in a positive and beneficial way for you.

As always, keep in touch.

Neil

🙂

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

Thanks for answering, again. My replies are quite late because I have no internet access at my new apartment yet and I check online whenever I can. s I wrote in my other posts, I had an increase of dosage and next week I'll have another one. It feels strange, because it almost hurst to be taken out of my numb way of living. Hope it's going to be fine at the end of it...

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

I’m just checking in with you to see how you’re feeling with the increase of dosage for your meds?

That’s a bugga about having no internet access in your new place.  Will that take a while before that’s up and active for you?

Oh and just on that – yes, Gabriela, it’s another question for you – sorry about that!  🙂     How IS your new apartment going?   How’s the settling in process??

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I feel a bit better, thanks for asking. I don't feel as much anxiety and agitation, I'm doing good. My therapist said I look very relaxed. I feel relaxed. I think it was a good thing to do, even if at the beginning it's not that ok with those feelings.

The new home is still kind of empty, but tomorrow I'm going for some machines (like fridge etc.) and I found a sofa that I like, hope I'll buy it these days. I'll figure it out what to do tomorrow. The settling process is stressful. I don't like it. It's exciting, but I'm doing all the hard work because this is what I want, I don't want my parents to interfere with the things I want in my house, as you already know from previous posts. I had an argument, a hard one, with my mother about this and we still aren't talking very much with each other.

The rest is sort of ok, I am doing my best to make it good. Internet will take some while, but I have some free wireless around.

Write soon. Hope everything's ok on your side.

Gabriela

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Hey, great to hear from you.  I’m sorry to hear of the biggish argument you had with your mum;   but I hope she is beginning to realise that this is YOUR life – this is YOUR new home and that you want to make it how you want.  I hope she understands this soon and comes around as the caring Mum that she should be for you.

Yes, agreed, the moving in and getting things sorted process can be stressful and can take time doing, but as you do say, it IS exciting.  Because once you’ve done all the hard stuff and got through all of that – you can then settle back and relax and know that what you’re living in is due to your own hard work – and Gabriela, I took of goals and milestones a bit – usually little ones.  But Gabriela, this is a HUGE milestone and goal that you’re working towards and once it’s achieved, you should be nothing, but absolutely PROUD of yourself for getting it all done – done to how you want.

I hope that your upcoming purchases all work out and are nicely located within your apartment when you next write.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[CMF]

Hi Gabriela,

I agree with all Neil has said.  I'm so excited for you. everything will start to settle but it takes time.  you sound so much better in your posts than when we first "met".  I hope this is a new beginning for you.

CMF

[gmc]

Hello friends,

I am sorry I 've been missing from the forum, but I have been through a lot, good and bad, and I was very busy.

I am only going with the good news, that I am socializing again, I'm seeing an old friend who's visiting the country because she lives in France, I had some meetings regarding some psychology courses I will attend - which will be very cool and besides that I am working a lot at the office.

I don't want to sound like I don't need your help anymore, because you all are very dear to me, but I just couldn't be on the forum anymore. My internet is very bad and until I get a new one, it will be like this... When I'm at work, like now when I am writing, I can't do everything I want because I have some other tasks or I can't stay very long in the office because I have to go.

I am feeling sort of ok, good I can say, with my dosage. I am very happy when I hear like from my therapist or I read from you, CMF, that I sound much better. I think that's true, because I feel better. From now on are only small steps until I will get better and better every day.

Thank you very much for writing and not forgetting me. I am sorry I can't keep up with the rythm of this forum and help other people too, but I promiss I'll be back.

Keep in touch,

Gabriela

[CMF]

Hi Gabriela,

we understand you are not able to keep up with the forum. It's great that you are socialising and have an old friend to catch up with.  You sound wonderful and I'm happy that you are able to move ahead with positivity. I think the fact that you only spoke of positives in your last post is a good sign. Perhaps the negatives are not overwhelming you as much? 

 I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing how things are going for you. 

Cmf

[gmc]

My dear friends,

Today I had quite a day... Today was my birthday. I'm 24. My mother got me quite annoyed and I wanted to cry. My cat was away and he almost didn't get back home, but he did and he's at my mother's place. She visited me and my brother, because I live with my brother now, and she was a pain. She got me so annoyed with the renovation thing that I wanted to cry and scream, but at least my cat is back home.

I met a friend today, that I haven't seen in a long time, and on our way back home we found another male cat on our way. I could see he was gone from someone's home because he looked like they took care of it. I could not let him in downtown with all those cars and I took him at home. And now I have to take care of two male cats. Mine is neutered, the new one is not... Tough. I just want to keep him too, he's so quiet and beautiful...

I am very glad I am back on the forums. I will get back on other posts too.

Just to resume for today, I am not very well, but I feel like I am a bit better. My mother sort of ruined my birthday, I don't have a party, I didn't have a cake, I don't have a dedcorated home, I don't have presents or many friends around, but I have a new cat that I found and I am just fine.

Hugs to you guys. Write soon 🙂