I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

Thank you, Neil. My plans are going on well for now. I will visit my mother this weekend and I hope it all goes well.

[gmc]

Anyway, I feel that I progressed. My concernes are not that distructive as before, I can focus and I start being used to feel happiness. Sometimes it's like I feel too much joy that I am not used to feel and it's like I start walking for the first time.

I have started doing things for my own, trying to put in my schedule things that I am happy to do for myself and I am preparing for next year's admissions to university. It feels good.

I am now in the middle of something that could have been very distructive for me - like my anxiety could be up in heavens. Anyway, I feel ok, sort of, facing my mistakes and admitting that I am human and that I learn, that I don't have to know everything, that as long as I will live I will make mistakes and learn.

Depression has taught me a lot, and one of the things is tolerance. I can be tolerant with myself and more flexible in thoughts.

I guess on one way I should be thankful.

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Wowee - what an absolutely beautiful post you have just delivered.

Every sentence, every paragraph was just awesome to read.

I cannot begin to tell you how proud and goose-bumpy that post made me feel.

And in particular you banged the nail right on the head, that "as I will live, I will make mistakes and learn".  That is what life is all about - living it and sometimes things go along rosey and peachy and that's awesome.  But to know that at other times, there will be mistakes made - and from those, we need to learn from them.  Learn from them, tuck them to the back of the mind and move on.

Gabriela, you've actually given me some soul searching and thinking to do on my own behalf.  Thank you.

Neil

[gmc]

You're welcome, Neil.

The thing right now with me is that I think I am having a serious relapse. I am functional, I can go to work, I do my job and I can do the things I really must do, but the stuff I have to do for myself is just very low... I am having a lot of coffee, I am feeling sick, I want to cry all the time. I don't panic as I used to, I don't feel the pain as I used to, but I feel numb. I just want to stare at a fixed point and cry... I could have a reason, if I look for it I will find one, but I don't need to have one, just the usual stuff that other days made me just go on with what I have to do. Hobbies don't work, motivation to learn the stuff I most want is extremly low, I just do things because I have to and I put myself to do it because I know I have to and I must go on. It's like the Recovery Me is going backwords to the Sick Me.

I am not asking what to do, I am not asking for sollutions, I am just confessing my state right now. I am not well and I would need a break.

Hope I won't start crying in the most inappropriate moments...

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Nothing wrong with confessing where you are at this moment and nothing to be down about either in having a serious relapse.  These things unfortunately do happen.

I’ve cried at checkouts before;  or in aisles of the supermarket;  and even squatted down and cried – when emotion hits, it’s hard to put a lid on it.

I won’t write much more at this point – just to let you know that I’m here for you;  it sounds weird as you’re multi-thousands of km’s away, but hey, it’s really only a keyboard away.

Write back again when you feel ok to do.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps:  my new profile pic is little Tess – my Mum’s dog, that we’ve taken on and boy oh boy, she’s so cute.

[gmc]

Hi Neil,

I hope I'm better. I need to express myself and I hope I did it and I will do it. Thanks for being here. It's hard, you know, it's very hard. But I'll get over it. I'll be better and I'll be wiser. 

For now I'm fortunate I can do my job right and I will still do it. I listen to motivational songs and I trust myself I will be a better person and I will be even stronger one day. I am strong now. I have been strong for such long time to take this.

Little Tess is lovely.

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Your positive words and attitude reach out to me (and I hope they reach out to others reading as well) as something that you just want to hold on to and say “Yes, I’m gonna be alright – I’m gonna get through this”.

In times like this, just to help to give you a bit more a of boost – I find it good to have a look back at say, where you were X number of months ago (X = insert whatever number you would like to) and to see how you were then.   Then to say, “Well, hey, since that time I’ve achieved this;   I’ve felt good on this many occasions – sure there’s been down times, but let’s not dwell on those today.  Let’s think about the positives and the achievements”.   And those can be anything – it’s a totally individual thing.

Keep posting Gabriela.  🙂

Neil

[gmc]

Thank you, Neil.

Although I am not feeling well, and I hope it will get better as on Friday I am seeing my psychiatrist, I am going to be positive no matter what. It's like a road I am right now and I can't get back, I don't want to get back and I only move forward. I take recovery as the only way, the only possibility, although things are sometimes so so bad. Like now. My therapist told me I have signs of post-traumatic stress.

There are some aspects of my life that I am not going to share here, that came back these days and I am having a lot to deal with. I am not sharing just because one day I am thinking that I will be a public person, BeyondBlue is not going to delete my conversation here and somehow it will all go to someone at the newspapers and people will know all about me. So I would prefer to meet you personally sometime, with the BeyondBlue's help 🙂 and say more. Or not, who knows. 

The things is that I know I will get better and I am fighting for it.

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

It’s so good to hear your words of fighting the fight and being positive and doing your best to try and conquer and move forward.  It’s Friday as I write this, so I am hoping that you have a very worthwhile and beneficial appointment.

As always, I’m very intrigued by your future thoughts – and not only intrigued but feel very proud and happy that you are aiming to be involving your future on such a basis.  And by all means, yes, only divulge here as much as you want too – I honestly think that you would be ok anyway, but it might be worth sending an email to Beyond Blue.  They would be the ones to ask about such things and to the security and anonymity for being here, which might help with any concerns you may have.

As always, brilliant to chat with you.

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I think that I will write to BeyondBlue at a point...

Oh, I got a dosage increase on medication. I am good with it, I think, because ​it makes me feel good.

Well, I don't know what else to say for now...