I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Jo3]

Hi GMC

A belated Happy Birthday to you!!! Sending you a big cyber present, cake and hug. I had tears in my eyes when I read that you had no cake, presents or friends.

So this is for you - Happy Birthday GMC

I hope today is a better day for you.

Jo xx

[CMF]

GAbriela

HAPPY BIRTHDAY from across the world. I'm sorry it wasn't a good day but what a lucky cat to have found YOU. 

Does your brother live with you in your new apartment?

when your mother upsets you do you answer back?  I've learnt that if you just say yep, ok and walk away sometimes the argument stops because the other person has nowhere to go from there. It's hard to do when you care about something so much and it's like conceding defeat. 

I'll write later when I can think straight  

for now wanted to say happy birthday

cmf

[Neil_1]

To dear Gabriela

Oh dear friend – I’m SO sorry that I missed your b’day – that I missed the post that you sent when it was your b’day.

It’s a bit late my friend, but I WISH YOU A MEGA HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY.   At least, I hope that your brother made it even a little bit special for you.

And I agree with CMF – what a very lucky cat to have found you.

I’m also sorry to hear that your mum continues to make things very difficult for you.  And again CMF provided a good response with possible ways of responding back to your mum when she causes you to get angry and upset.  Just one word responses, “Yes”,   “Ok”, “Yes, sure – if that’s what you think”.  Ok the last one wasn’t quite one word, but kind of agree to a point.  Doesn’t mean you have to then go and do it – but just something to ease the tension of the moment.

And please please no need to worry about not being able to be on here as much as you would like.  We understand that access isn’t always available as you’d like.

All you need to know is that we’re still here – and will be here always for you.

Kind regards

Neil

🙂

[gmc]

My dear friends,

Tahnk you for your wishes. The first thing in the morning which I did was to check for any responses from you guys :).

Today I want to talk about my fears, but first let me tell you something: my arguements with my mother happen BECAUSE I don't want to say yes, as she wishes. My father avoids to argue with me, but she does. Now I really fear for the arguements because of the new cat that I wish to keep. I've been thinking to post announcements in the area, saying I found this little creature, but I don't think I want to. I want to keep it. It's difficult to have two cats, but who knows? Maybe I'll handle. I don't want to give it to someone else... Just can't... But we'll have a lot to talk about this, with both my parents.

And now my other fears. One of them I have to confess now. I fear that soon I'll become a public person, and as I wish to use beyondblue and its forums as a model for the mental health in my country, people will find things about myself here and will use it to discriminate me and basically against me. Therefore I am trying to calm down that this is just in my head...

These fears for now :). One more thing: I'm going to an advocacy course on mental health with people with bipolar and schyzophrenia and it's nice to meet and watch them.

Oh, and last night I've seen a friend in a pub and I celebrated myself with her. Before that, I've been to the office to my colleagues so that they would congratulate me :D. I wasn't like with no friends around, but basically all day long was full with arguements and no cake, but at least I bought a blouse with some money my mother gave me...

Oh well, this is from me for now. I'll have to leave for a meeting.

Write soon, guys!

[CMF]

Hi Gabriela,

I'll give you my thoughts on the issues you raised one by one.

The arguments with you mother- pick your battles.  if its something you feel vey strongly about then yes, stand your ground, but if its something trivial that will be of no significance later on, then let it go.  just nod your head and walk off. it not easy to do but if its not important dont let it get the better of you. be the bigger person.

The cat, maybe posting an ad would be good to see if you can find the ownere, noit just give it to anyone. someone may be missing their pet, fearing the worst.  if its meant to be yours it will be.

Your privacy/identity- its wonderful that you wish to promote this site in your country.  i understand your concerns.  maybe you need to change your name so people will not relate it back to you. do you think they would still know its you? how much do the people you will be promoting it to know about your personally? will they link your posts back to you if they happen to see them? Maybe someone from BB would be able to answer this better?

The advocacy course sound great. i think you will enjoy it.

Lastly I'm glad you went out with your friend and went to see your colleagues. at the end of the day we don't need to have lots of people around, just the ones who care and from your smiley face it sounds like they brightened up you day - i hope so!

Take care

cmf

[Neil_1]

Dear Gabriela

Firstly, how are your sessions with your new therapist going?   Are you still having them reasonably regularly??   I think there’s certain things you’ve mentioned below that certainly could be talked about.  Having said that, I’m going to have a lash at them myself.  🙂

My dear girl, you live by yourself and have done for so long.  You are nicely into your 20’s.  You are not a child anymore.  So these are things that need to be explained to your Mum.  She possibly knows this but still wishes to rule you and dominate your life.  But YOU are the one who is driving your life and the choices you make.  I guess that’s what your Mum is finding hard to let go.  So she continues to try.  It’s a hard one, especially when parents are involved, as they have their own thoughts on things, and pretty much no matter what is thrown up at them, they won’t budge from their own thoughts.

Now I’m going to suggest something that I’m not sure whether you’ll like.  You already have your own cat, right?    But last week, you found this other cat – and by what you said, it was a well looked after cat.  I’m not sure how things like that work in your city, but are their radio stations, or newspapers that people might send in an advert to say they’ve lost their cat – has anyone seen it?   Just asking, as have you checked out that yet;   or alternatively, have you thought about doing something like that?   Putting something in the local newspaper to say, “cat found, etc etc”.    The reason behind this, is there just might be a family out there who is missing their cat like crazy?    It’s just a thought, but there might – but then again, there might not.  Sorry, I just kind of wanted to mention that – and hey, if nothing comes of it, then it’s all great – and if it does come to be that someone comes forward, wouldn’t you be feeling so incredibly wonderful inside to know that you’ve assisted this family BIG TIME?

With regard to your fears – I’m not sure I follow with your call that you’ll become a public person.  And also your wish to use Beyond Blue within your country?   As we know Beyond Blue is anonymous – where people have the choice to use their real name or not – so for people to find out about you, I’d imagine could be difficult, could it not?  It might be worth actually chatting to someone from Beyond Blue about this – let them know what you’re wishing to do??

Chat soon

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I didn't consider writing to beyondblue for now, but I think I will soon. It's not a problem for me yet this going public about beyondblue, but I will certainly consider doing it as I will probably sometime.

Regarding to my therapist, I am still seing her. She seems sometimes that I am much beyond her competences, but she is a good professional and a kind and nice person who understands me and I feel protected by her. Seeing her teaches me a lot about relating to people.

Regarding the problems with my mom, honestly and kindly said, I am a bit tired of having this problems with her and talking about it. It honestly feels like I have been talking too much about this. I just want to let it be like this.

And my new cat... I will post on social media that I found him and I will also post photos in the area where I found him to see if someone wants him back. If not, I don't know... Maybe I'll keep it. My mother seems to have an oppinion on this too, that I definetly should not keep him, I already have a cat. She is so annoying...

[gmc]

yesterday my father called from work. he was drunk. he said that because I didn't resolve some things about the apartment, I won't have the right to decorate it, that my mother will. I said no and he started yelling at me and I think he swore too. I said that I thought we could talk like people, and he said that he didn't think I'd talk to him like this. I can't even say more, I can't tell to anyone this story again, I went over and over in my head too many times. I am in shock for the way he yelled at me. the way he said No No No. my mother and I am sure him too, they think the renovators asked for too much money from me, but I never got any call from them asking to talk to the renovators about the price...

I can't think of anything else, I can't cry anymore, I can't think of anything. anything I'd say about that being the place where I live is worthless. I have no right, I have no word to say. I don't understand anything but a desperate reaction from them that I don;t listen to them anymore. my head is a mess and I wish I'd write more here, but I can't. I am in the middle of the disaster. I wrote to my father and told him that I am not afraid of him yelling, that he can't hit me as he hit my mother, that I am a psychiatric pacient and I am not thinking about him more than about my health, that I am disappointed by him. and that I am thinking in writing more to him. and I will. I will write everything he won't let me tell him in person.

I am afraid I won't have a home, that they will take my cat and send me away from the apartment. I have a sallary, but won't be enough. I won't have a home, they will send me away. I am sure that this is what they will do if I don;t do as they want. maybe I should, but I am staying for my cat, because he is my little child and he needs a place to stay and I can't offer him something else. I can't let them take it away from me.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Ohhhhhhh - 😞   😞  😞   I feel so bad for you with what’s just happened regarding your father – may I ask though, was it just the ‘drink’ talking – the fact that he was drunk and speaking so horribly to you?   I mean, would he do that normally, if he hadn’t been drinking??

I suspect your mother would do it sober or drunk.

But also, when you moved to this new place, I thought it was largely on your own that you did it – or was it all paid by your parents – or are they just paying for the re-decorating?   Incidentally, has the redecorating been done?     If it hasn’t, ‘could’ you live there without it being done?   I only ask this, cause if you could, then you could live there under your own devices and they wouldn’t have any right in demanding things from you.   Not that they have a right to demand things from you now anyway.  Yelling and swearing at your own daughter – boy that annoys me.  I hope you’re going ok Gabriela?    I’m damn proud of you for sticking up for yourself and telling him or writing to him about the stand you’re taking.  Damn proud.  🙂

I don’t know all the issues here, but how could they be so cruel as to kick you out – out of your own place????

Stay with us here Gabriela.

Giving you a warm cyber hug:  { {Gabriela}}  

Neil

[gmc]

Dear Neil,

My mother doesn't get drunk and my father can't talk to me when he's not drunk, he must have some courage that way. He is still very agressive in speaking when someone doesn't agree with him, but when he's not drunk he can't talk properly to me about anything.

My parents paid for the redecoration and the apartment is on their name in papers, so it's actually not mine, but I thought that as I live there, it is... So I hope they don't kick me out. It actually is not that bad anymore. I think my father had a reaction after my e-mail to him, because my mother slowed down a bit and wasn't o demanding anymore to me. I actually went to buy the couch I wanted from the beginning, so I don't know what on earth is going on, but it looks that it's better.

When I went to my therapist two days ago, I came up with the idea that when my fathers returns in the country, I'd take him and my mother to the psychiatrist with me so that he tells them about my depression. What could happen. Could it get worse? I don't know. I'll take a chance. A risk.

So speak soon then.

Thanks,

gmc