I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi GMC,

I think I know what you mean. My psych asked me today if ifelt the medication was working. I said I didn't necessarily feel happy, orbetter, I still think of terrible things from day to day. I also said that I was able to funtion better at a base level, so basically instead being exhausted now and then and unable to complete cleaning the house; on medication I can do the dishes and empty the garbage everyday.  

So I guess that is better to an extent.

GA

[gmc]

You're right, GA, that's how I feel too. It's ok and I can go on with my life, I can complete my tasks at work, I can focus - not for long, but I can do it. It's not ok when I am hit by a moment of high anxiety, like when I realised I would fail my exam. And today I got that official confirmation and I took my admission file with the document back. I just stand like my audience and as myself at the same time, in that moment of panic... I should find some moments to cope with this. Or discuss it with my therapist, when she gets back from holiday.

Oh well... Long journey until we get to fully cope with this.

[gmc]

So. Because no one answered my calls at the second university that I wanted to go for the MA, I went there to see what's up. No words on how was I treated.

It seems that I have to be a medicine or psychology graduate for two of the MAs, when I got there I simply forgot the name of another programme that I considered... and the taxe is much more than I can afford. And I don't want to ask my parents to pay for it. And I can't take a loan fron a bank or fron the university and no chance of scholarship. And I would have to talk first with the dean to see if I have a chance. So now I'm too low...

I would have to learn again for the next year for the exam I didn't take. But maybe my plans change. Maybe I want (again) to do something else. Maybe I don't want to do anything. Maybe my head explodes. It could explode now from the million scenarios that I have for my future, under the pressure of turning 24 this year, 35 next year, not continuing my studies and feeling that I am wasting time. And what can I do? All plans seem like impossible. Seem like too many plans. And no certainty. And no good decision. And basically nothing. And a lot o chains pulling me back.

[gmc]

Me again. I'm sad. I feel like I haven't done anything productive today. I just lied in bed, cooked, read something, and almost 6 hours passed like... nothing.

I feel bad and at the same time I feel like my anxiety is left in the background and it keep working. Not to mention depression, it's ok, but it still has a lot more to work. The thing is I feel that the medication for anxiety is not working enough. I still feel a bit of noise and I can't put things together. Maybe it takes more time... I don't know. The thing is that this day should have been ok, but it's not a good one. It should have been relaxing and doing the housework that I should, but instead is the usual when I don't want to do anything but wait for the time to pass and read until I am bored of reading, and surfing the internet, and cooking something light. I feel like I am wasting time. And maybe I am.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

I'm so glad that I've found your thread and have caught up on the latest - although at the same time, it's not good to read of the situation that you're in.

You really do sound like you've got a thousand things going around in your mind - no wonder you can't settle back and concentrate on things - there's just too much going on.

There's a couple of things I'd like to mention.

a)   is it possible for you to get back to your professional person (gp or psyche), the one who prescribes you with your medications?   To get a possible review on what you're taking, with regard to anxiety?  I mean, they could be the best option for you, but perhaps you might need a slight increase in the dose that you're currently taking?  Just a thought.

b)  you're saying that you've got so many scenarios for your future.  I think when you're able, could you possibly type them down on a page, just for you.  Type them down and list them out - it doesn't have to be fancy, just something that comes from your mind and you put it out either on paper or the 'monitor'.  Don't we talk funny now instead of writing a list on paper, we can now do it on computer.  Possibly a lot quicker on the computer.  And take your time with this and list it out - and as it's just for you to look and ponder on, you can take all the time you want with it.

Now gmc, you've said that you're about 24yo - you're just a young 'un - and oh, all I'd like to stress here to you is that if you can try to take some pressure off yourself (if possible) with where you want to be, what you want to do - hells bells, I'm 49 and I'm still trying to work out what I want to be when I grow up!

But I think re-taking up Danish again would be a great thing to do - and if you've already commenced it a while back, then the start off again should be an easy opener for you, as hopefully you'll already be a step ahead as you've already had a try at it before.

Great to be back chatting with you again.

Neil

[gmc]

Thank you very much for getting back to me, Neil, I needed it.

a) I am going to my psychiatrist on Wednesday, I have an appointment, it's the monthly checking and I am thinking about the dosage from a while. I will tell him about how I feel and I will consult with my therapist about this today, see what she thinks also.

b) I gave up a while ago writng and typing my plans and my scenarios, don't know why, but I should certanly get back to it. I did write something about the past two weeks when my therapist was in holiday, but let me tell you why: typing it for myself doesn't satisfy me anymore, I prefer writing more to this forum to actual people that answer back and to talk about it to my therapist. It's a lot more conforting. The same about being 24 :). It really brings so much joy to me talking to people like you :). It motivates me to start activities that I quited, like learning Danish.

Hope to keep in touch as much as posible 🙂

gmc

[gmc]

Oh, forgot something. One of those bad moments was yesterday.

I stared at the monitor for 20 minutes watching a TV interview of my ex-therapist, the reason why I started this thread. He was very calm and understanding explainig to the girl he was talking to about anxiety, but he seemed the same as I know him. Then he said that he won't receive a pacient that before accepting to go to a psychiatrist for anxiety, he goes to check for 6 months almost to other specialists, checking for heart, thyroid or whatever. This because part of the medication has a placebo effect and the person has to accept the fact that he suffers from anxiety and has to check all the pther possibilities.

The I tried to write here all my feeling at that moment, but when I loaded my message, I receive an error and got depressed that my message wasn't saved :).

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

With regard to that ex-therapist, I believe we've spoken about him before and of his "unusual methods" for treating - and that's a huge reason now why he's your 'ex-therapist'.  To be honest gmc, I think the less that you can do with that guy the better.  He doesn't seem to be a positive kind of person - sure, he has his techniques and his reasons for doing things, but I think we let him be and we move on from that.  What do you think?

With regard to the writing/typing of things, that is so great to hear about your thoughts of "rather typing things on here" instead of just typing them down for yourself.  It's really positive that you've actually taken the time out to think about that and to come to the conclusion that doing stuff on Beyond Blue is more beneficial to yourself.  That pleases me so much.

Also great to read that you've got a couple of appointments coming up and that you'll be able to discuss some issues then.

And you know, taking up Danish again is really awesome.  The only Danish I know usually has the word custard right in front of it - ohhhhh yummmo.  🙂

Cheers

Neil

[gmc]

Dear Neil,

I am doing my best to let that guy go. I hope I will soon find the best way to do it. I forget about it, many times, but it still comes back in my head...

My therapist suggested me yesterday that I write down stuff and start discussing them with her from next time on. Write stuff that just make my head a mess and put them into discussion. I will try and write them and type them and just let my thoughts go and put them in an order. Waiting tomorrow for the psychiatrist too.

I started a while ago Danish, but I quited just like that... I will keep it from now on and be "serious" about it. I started so many things that I firstly enjoyed, and I still would, but I quited. Like handmade jewlery (that I don't do that often as I would), Portuguese, Russian, German, some online courses... I sometimes think I start too many things and it's just too much... Like a continuous search and research for an identity and not finding something concrete...

[gmc]

Hello you all again,

Today I had a bad day. This week wasn't really at its best, at my best. Don't even know what's my best.

I had a lot of forgetting stuff, I can't work or focus, I am tired all the time, I need a vacation, I need to finish all of this worries and just lie on a couch and eat an amazing cake. I feel like a lot has been going on lately, and maybe it did. I realized that one of my best friends is phone, especially with its calendar that reminds me of stuff that otherwise I completely forget, like I did again today. I can't help feeling so impatient on being at once more spontaneous 'cause I just miss out saying things it would necessarily be said....

I don't know what to do with this guilt I'm feeling. I feel like I have to punish myself for some things I don't do right. It feels so bad to always be in a stress that I am tired, I have to be all prepared for everything, I am guilty for all bad things and I should so all and everything right, otherwise everything has consequences that I have to suffer.

I write this on the basis of something that I lived these days, something else that I forgot about, something I shouldn't have done if I was capable of not doing. I just need someone to show me how can I trust myself. How is that done? How can someone not be alone? How can do the right thing for himself? What's the best way to learn courage? How can I get together when I am alone and too tired and with no support from someone proximate close?