I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

My head is a mess, head is a mess, what to do? Stress is no good. I have such a lot to learn and I am so very stressed. What to do? Some sport maybe. Would be nice.

Oh, I just want to cry, but I can't, my medication doesn't allow me to. I can't concentrate for long, I have to take a break every 2-3 pages or less...

[gmc]

Just lost one of the friends that I thought understood my depression. I confessed on the treatment and she said I am doing too much and she asked if I really think that depression can be treated with medication. I feel I can't take it anymore... I really thought she was my support...

[gmc]

so just had my exam today. I don't think I will pass it, not to mention about a scholarship. I felt I was doing efforts to deal with it, I was writing with my brain. I can't concentrate, I couldn't concentrate during the exam. I was trying to remember what I learned, but I was in vain. I wrote stuff just to fill the pages. I don;'t think it was ok what I wrote. I feel failure deep inside and I will blame myself a lot for this. Because it is my fault I didn't do much better.

I felt the need to confess.

[Snoman]

Hi GMC,

I'm new here. It has taken me a long time to read this whole thread. Sounds like you are making progress.

I love that you want to study to be able to help people. Can't think of a more noble thing to do. I agree with Struggler. Your experience with depression and what awful psychologist are like will be so valuable to the people you will help when you get qualified.

I know you are probably feeling like a failure, but remember: you did not ask to have depression. It does limit what you do. The fact that you applied to sit for the entrants exam was a big step. Actually turning up and doing the exam was very impressive. Well done. You should be pleased with having done so much. The exam results are not the important part. Yes, great if you get in, and better if you get a scholarship, but you are doing this the hard way and just getting there is huge.

Sno

[gmc]

Hello Sno, welcome and thanks for stopping by.

I am doing my best to do so, to be pleased for what I did and what I still do, as I tell myself every day that I do all this bunch of stuff and I don't feel like doing it, I would only like to discover something I could do just to recover and nothing else.

It is very encouraging to read stuff that you and nice people like you write to me. It makes the hard times so much easier. I lose more and more people that I thought would understand what I going through and as it happens, I get to know other people that help me so much more and I cannot believe it's them that do so. It did happen this to me these times.

[geoff]

dear GMC, at the moment the 'be all end all' doesn't really matter because it took so much strength to even sit the exam.

When depression hits us a large majority if not all of our friends desert us, and there are several reasons why they do, 1 they don't understand depression, 2 they run out of ideas or things to say to you, 3 they can't understand why 'you can't snap out of it', which is impossible.

Even if they have the nerve to contact much later on the relationship you once had is never the same, because you have no respect for them any more. Geoff.

[gmc]

Dear Geoff,

I know what you mean. I was sitting at the exam which lasted 3 hours and thinking that after one hour I needed barkes each and every 20 minutes because I could not focus anymore. I left after 2 hours and a half thinking that I really did manage it to the end. During the exam I was thinking about how I was at home while studying and taking so many breaks because I could not focus for long.

It's so sad about those who you thought were best friends and then they just prove to be not that good. They run of ideas, they don't understand... They don't just accept it. I think I am used to it. It was a while when I was just sick of trying to have a good relationship with a friend and just told her or him that I am depressed and I have medication. And it was like a hitted a wall when have said that.

I can't say I haven't got myself some people that I just didn't expect to be that amazingly out of interests, but I can't hide I am sorry for those who are just not that close. I can't say I lost them because I never had them.

[gmc]

Oh well, I'm not writing because I feel that bad... I am just lonely and thinking that someone would actually read this at a moment. Trying not to online shop too much at this moment. I sometimes do so when I'm lonely. Depression is fine for now. I am thinking in restarting learning Danish, which I've quitted some while ago, but learning is not my best to do at these times, so... I don't know. I am thinking in doing it anyway. My brain needs to be fresh.

This is it for now. 🙂

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi GMC,

I haven't commented on your posts before, but I have been reading this entire time. I'm sure I am not the only one.

I too have a tendency to overspend both online and offline when I am low, as if by owning this thing or that thing will make the depression better. Online is so much more tempting as wecan do it without leaving our house, or bed. 

I think restarting Danish is a good idea. Study, of any sort can give us a distraction which helps us not dwell on our problems.  It is justimportant to not put too much pressure on yourself while studying. Take it slow.

GA

[gmc]

Hello GA and thanks for reading and answering

I really hope not to put pressure on myself either, but I think I won't, as I learn it for pleasure, not as if there is some pressure. I really can't deal pressure. Of the exams, of a dealine...

I am thinking about what it means for me being low, as I am taking my medication. You know, it's not physical pain, not even psychical pain, because many times I am just not in the mood to get up and eat, but I still do it because I have to. Well, I am low, but bit by bit my symptoms are going away. I don't know it you understand what I explain, maybe you felt it too. It's going to take some more time to actually describe it to myself too.