I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

Hello Struggler,

I don't want to write to him and don't want to keep in touch with him, but yet he makes me really confused. I just want to keep away from him. As much as I want to keep away from my parents and everyone who I feel that's making me nervous and stressed and not confortable. I had some bad days. Today I found myself at my parents' place before leaving, crying because of a talk to my father again. I can't really say what I feel about everything regarding them, it just hurts too much now. I am very angry on them. I think they want to keep my cat at their place and not give it to me back to my future new place because he will distroy the new place. I think my head will just explode if they will even talk to me about it. For now, only my mother told me so, but if my father does too, I will say to them I will not move to that house.

I cried a lot today because of him and I still want to cry very much now. I don't want to see them soon. I don't want to hear much from them.

[gmc]

Hello everyone,

I've got news. My parents came to my place to see me, which is in another city from where they live, and they should have brought me my cat, who's at their place because I thought he needed a time off  from my place to a more open one. That's what we talked about, that they would bring him. They didn't bring him and they were very calm in saying that he ran away out and he doesn't come back easy and they were very agressinve in saying that I'm not to bring him to my new apartment. I am to bring him, that's for sure.

The concerning thing now is that I was and I still am very sad. I don't want to eat and I am sad. I don't want to work. I don't want to cook. I don't want to move from bed. They have no idea about my condition and they wouldn't care about it, they would say it's nothing. And I am sad.

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

Why do your parents decide what you can have in your home?  It is not their home.   Why not get another cat and not tell them.  I know, a pet is not just a toy but you'll soon get acquainted with it.

Many people on this forum struggle with depression with no support from family and no friends, totally alone in this world.  In addition, sometimes family are the source of grief.  It's very common.  

Struggler

[gmc]

Hello, Struggler.

I will fight no matter what for my cat. He's been my support so much more than my family some way.

[gmc]

My cat is baaaaaaack home with me!

[gmc]

Hello everyone,

I am writing because I am a bit worried. My exam is getting closer and closer, it's on 22nd. I went yesterday to the university to enroll. I was so nervous that I forgot the entire (long) title of the MA. I am trying to learn as much as I can, following the best intentioned advice I received. And to deal the best I can with this very exciting challenge. I was so nervous yesterday when I went to university... I could not believe I was really doing it, enrolling into something I've wanted for a long while.

Well, now my therapist is gone for 2 weeks to a holiday and my future session with her is on 4th of August. Seems like a long while, but it's not like I am so addicted to her now that I can't cope with that. I am more addicted to the idea of treatment that I really need. But at least I save some money these 2 weeks... lol

Oh well, I can say I feel better. I am still waiting for the moment when I take my medication, every day, for feeling that I am better, that I am doing something not to feel bad again, to feel the pain again. It's still a challenge to find the triggers to my bad moments and how to get better from them, but I feel I am making progresses in that.

Thanks for reading :).

[gmc]

As it turns out, I had the worst day so far. Yesterday I fell asleep at the office, the decorators made me go to the appartment twice without being there, I forgot the keys when I met the plumber to go to the appartment that I am redecorating and today I forgot that I had to meet him and I had my phone turned off and he didn't call me on my other phone. I feel like a relapse is coming. My head is rumbling already and I still can't find some strenght to go to work. I feel that I just want to huddle in my bed. The worst is that I can't remember if the plumber really said that we should see each other at 9.30 a.m. ...

This is just crazy... I feel I just want to panic and cry.

[gmc]

Oh well, up and downs every day. I feel like I'm about to be broken in every moment, but at the same time I feel stronger bit by bit.

Learning for this exam can be hard. I feel I have a big motivation to do it, just that this is not the time to have an exam, not at all, I feel I want to scream. I just need to freeze the time until I get better, until I'm able to do these things properly without I feel like carrying myself as I was a vegerable...

I need to feel optimistic and hang in here until the moment of the exam, but I fear I will collapse. Please tell me I won't.

[geoff]

dear GMC, 'please tell me I won't', well you won't, but it's always a fear we have that we will flop, remember it still happens with actors/actresses on stage every night, it's just a normal response.

OK there are three issues here that are making you feel very uncomfortable, first is your cat being with you, which has happened, but it's still a worry, 2 is your parents especially your dad, so I wonder whether this connection is actually needed, because everything you set out to do is always hammered down or criticised by them, 3 is the exam, but as Struggler has said anyone who has been depression then makes an ideal psych, because they definitely understand what their client is trying to tell them. L Geoff. x

[gmc]

Dear Geoff, 

Thanks for still being interested in this thread of mine. I really hope I will make a good psych, but first I have to get admitted. Still I will enroll at another university if this first try doesn't work, but I really want the scholarship these guys are giving and this is a big stress for me... I need to be here as stressed as really I am so that maybe some of it goes away. I hope it really does...