I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

So. Therapist again today. Went there, talked to her almost 2 hours. The room was almost empty, few decorations, white walls and a flower scent that reminded me of not so good times.

I can't really say how I felt... I feel a certain respect of each other with her, sometimes I feel she doesn't get my point, that she rushes, and sometimes she's ok.

I left with uncertainty and I know I should talk to her about it. Like I was really in a rush, but I hope she'll figure me out. Of course I'll help, 'cause I really want to make it work, but maybe it's just that we're at the beginning, us and me also with my treatment.

I don't know... She doesn't hurt me, that's for sure, but I feel like sometimes she's ahead of me. I'll talk to her about it...

[gmc]

Hello,

Hoping someone reads this... I miss writing on this forum, so...

My anxiety is very high today and I could barely read something. Read, not learn, which is what I should do for my exam in 20 days. I can't actually remember much of what I read and I have a lot to learn...

I don't know how my treatment works. It works, though, I started it 6 days ago, I feel slightly better, but anxiety is high as I can't even focus. Maybe it's a side effect, not being able to focus my view on something for very long. I wish there would be something I could do to relax. Everything is a reason to get worried...

Well...

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

So you've had two sessions with the psychiatrist already.  It takes time for her to get to know you.  Gradually, you'll develop trust and open up more.  Every time you see her, she'll learn more of your condition.  I think you have to give her a chance.  At least you don't feel abused, unlike the old  psychiatrist!  

Anyway,  so you have exams coming up?  What are you studying?  If you can't focus, then go out for a walk to refresh yourself and try again.  I finished my studies so many years ago.  Exams, ummm bring back nightmares.  

Neal is on holiday overseas and will be back at the end of July.  I bet you miss him, we all do.   

Struggler

[geoff]

dear Gmc, I thought that I would get back to you as Neil is away on holidays with his family, and it seems as though no one is reading your post, but I'm sure they do, as I have left you and Neil alone to communicate.

Reading and not comprehending happens when you are struggling with depression, so what I used to do back in the dark ages was to record the information on a tape, so then I could replay it over and over again, and then finally my brain could remember it.

I think your anxiety is caused by not being able to remember the details of what you have being reading.

It's a big time coming up with your exams and it is always stressful, even if you aren't depressed, but by having this illness then it's multiplied, when do you see your psychiatrist again, or perhaps your GP can help you, but then he/she may say that they don't want to mix medication with what the psych has given you, but if you ring your psych then this will claimed as another visit. Geoff.

[gmc]

Thank you for answering, Geoff.

I will do my best in finding alternatives to keep my focus and I will certainly talk to the doctor about this. I really hope I can fix it. No hope from the GP on this...

My focus is always better at night, but by this time I am always too tired to learn anything, so it's very wired - I could learn, but I'm too tired...

[gmc]

Hello, Struggler

Yes, we all miss Neil. Yet I am always very glad when I read your posts and answers.

I am trying to get admitted to a masters program in clinical psychology and get a scholarship. There are only 12 from a total of 25 places and very many competitors. And I find it difficult to concentrate. The good thing is that I learn bit by bit more about myself in this times when I can't actually learn, which is good in some way. I guess I'm going to talk about it with the therapist and the psychiatrist too...

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

So clinical psychology is where your interest lies?  Great, you will be a good one.  Because you already have understanding in depression, you'll have compassion and empathy for your patients.  

How long is the course?  Will you have to quit your day job if you get admitted into the course?   How will you survive financially?  Sorry I ask so many questions but having money is important.

Struggler

[gmc]

Hello, Struggler.

My intention is to do arts therapy, especially drama therapy. During my studies I don't have to quit my job, it's part time and I do both. The only thing is to be able to learn to get a place between the 25 admitted and especially between those 12 with a scholarship. Then I have to explain to my unable to understand parents what I want to do while they will tell me all over that I can do more than dealing everyday of my life with crazy people, that I am more valuable than this. I hope to find a way to hide it from them.

Today, for example, I arrived at their place for the weekend and my dad is still drunk, as always, but at least he's not yelling at me, he's trying to convince me in a nice way that I am not fashionable for my age and I have to change the parquetry in my future home, that he pays whatever expensive thing for the new home, just to be modern. I am not bothered to be wrong, just that I don't want to have to accept whatever they say without being given a reason, and I can't tell my reasons because it doesn't matter. Whatever...

If they do this with my career, I think I'll just burst, my head will explode.

Please don't tell me I'm a silly and I shouldn't take their opinion and I should decide for myself.

[gmc]

Hello everyone,

I feel confused, very confused. Today I got a message from the previous psychiatrist, the one that was at the beginning of this thread, and he wrote that he still waits for the e-mail I said I would write to him when I called to say I quit seeing him, the e-mail that after I wrote here to you I decided I would not write anymore. I am so confused...

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

THAT previous psychiatrist, the one who played with your mind, wrote to you? No need to be confused.  Ignore his email, delete it together with his contact details so future emails will go in your junk mail box.  He holds no power over you.  He is nothing to  you now.  Pure and simple!  You are now just beginning to make progress on your health, don't let that creep set you back.  

As to your parents not supporting your studies, well don't worry about it.  For now, just concentrate on studying for the exams.  Don't bring it up with them.  When you get admitted, we'll find a way to get around your parents' resistance.  Take one step at a time, otherwise your head will explode. 

Struggler