'I am Sorry' Overkill

[blondguy]

Hey everyone and new posters too!....I need your help...understanding...and advice..

I have a close friend who is suffering with depression and increasing anxiety. She is in her late 40's and has been a company director for years until her marriage fell apart a few years ago. To avoid paragraphs which can be hard work to read for anyone I will use bullet points..

• Every time I help her she apologises...over and over...
• She has chronic post operative pain after a gall bladder removal...(5 years ago)
• depression and anxiety have exacerbated since her operation...(on AD's...for 4 years)
• she is caring for her mum who is only in her 60's who is frail after a botched brain operation...
• I think she is a 'people pleaser'...strict catholic upbringing...nuns with big sticks..etc..

I have gently mentioned many times to my friend to stop apologising to me when I help her with anything...I just need some advice....Is the continual apologizing a sense of low self worth?....Or very low self esteem? I am stuck.

I am a great care giver who can work wonders but I am lost on this one. I am currently looking after six people on a face to face basis...(not on the forums)...but the continual apologizing during any conversations is taking its toll on me.

What do I do when someone I care about keeps apologizing to me all the time? Any understanding/advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Thankyou for reading my post 🙂 Any new posters are very welcome to help too!

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[blondguy]

Thankyou Tony for your advice on this...you mentioned;

"that this obliging thing was very much part if her character and not to "fight" it." Your dads' had it right....getting back to basics everyone is different.

Many people have 'preyed' on my my friend as her persona leaves her open to this. Very sad but true.....Paul

[Moonstruck]

Thanks Elizabeth. I won't dwell on this because I might get all tangled up in my own emotions..which were a bit muddled I must admit. I did break the news to my friend about ceasing certain long=standing arrangements, rituals etc. He received it quite unemotionally actually and there was no scene or nastiness, or even a lot of questions on his behalf. I chose my words carefully and was as "gentle" as possible without grovelling or over apologising......I did my best.

I did not desert him completely or say I never wanted to make contact again or anything harsh like that.....but have a feeling he won't contact me at all - I know his tendencies pretty well by now - but of course there's no way of my knowing how he "feels" emotionally about this, or how deeply hurt (or not) he is.....I must admit I have felt somewhat "lighter" since I saw him 5 days ago and have no regrets. I may do in the future and no doubt miss the good parts of what we shared - I guess I'll have to deal with that myself... It was hard, very hard as I hate rejecting or hurting people..I know what it feels like but was feeling so sort of "trapped".hope I have done the right thing.....thanks people for all your insights. Aspergers certainly is a very difficult one for the untrained to recognise and deal with....Moonstruck

[Lost_Girl]

Hey Moon,

You were very brave and I am glad you didn't have to manage an emotional outburst. Sometimes we just need to put ourselves first. Hugs xx

Hey Paul,

Have you had a chance to put your new positive phrasing in place?

Cheers,

Carol

[geoff]

hello Moon, sorry Paul for intervening with your post, but the washing of his hands was just an example of what else he maybe doing, and if he displays 'rituals' then that means OCD, just as he uses the 'same table, chair, same location, same day, time, takes exact amount of cash for exact numbers of beers' all reasonable signs of OCD.
You have to make a decision that you want to do for your own health, that's important, and now you have decided to leave the relationship but still keep in contact is probably your best idea. Geoff. x

[blondguy]

Morning Carol....My goodness you have had a long night! Positive phrasing....I just need a reference..if I can. Just awoke...had a very rare bad sleep...I hope your pain is not being too evil.

Morning Moon...We really cant advance in life sometimes without having the strength to do so. You are strong!

Morning Geoff...anytime you wish is fine. I have picked up some great tips off your post above..thanks!..Paul

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Paul,

I just meant have you seen Pixi and tried using the phrases such as "I am happy to help", when she apologises? I wanted to see how it went.

I saw on Zetta's thread, if I read correctly, that you said Pixi needs the same operation as Zetta? Is that right Paul?

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[blondguy]

Hey Carol

I have used the positive phrasing and it doesnt do anything so I just gently say..."you have nothing to apologize for"

Pixi is on AD's and an old fashioned med for 'nerves'...and the pain clinic wont give her the upper level pain killers as they think that increasing the AD's is the way to go...

Pixi has been told that she will be needing the same operation...yes

Mr Woof.....

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Paul,

I had wondered if that would be the case. She sounds stubborn like me. I have some friends who have offered to help and say that are "happy to do it", "gives them something to do", "not working at the moment so are more than happy....", and yet I just find it hard to accept. These are people I don't know so well though. When hubby is helping I still find myself apologising. I have been trying to consciously work out what makes me feel better. The thing that makes me feel best is for him to remind me how much he cares about me after I say it. "I do it because I care about you so much and I know if roles were reversed you would do the same". Sometimes he jokes and says, "just wait until I start falling apart, then it will be your turn", with a wink or a smile that makes me laugh and feel better. I hope this may help.

Will she have the op soon? I do hope that it may provide some answers or relief.

Kindest thoughts

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Paul,

You mentioned your friend using ADs instead of pain killers. This is a normal thing. I was prescribed an AD once mainly for pain & because it had a sedative side effect which would help me sleep. I couldn't sleep due to the pain. The doctor told me any lift in mood would be a bonus but not the reason for prescription. It is particularly useful for neurological pain (pain due to damaged nerves or oversensitive pain receptors) Unfortunately normal pain killers including strong pain killers don't work well when used for long periods as the body gets used to it & needs larger & larger doses.

[blondguy]

Hey Carol, your advice is gold and thankyou 🙂 I will find out what the time frame is for her op..no worries x

Hey Elizabeth, my friend was already on a high dosage of AD's and the pain clinic try to do everything possible to avoid the pain killers for the abdominal adhesions . She has been vomiting daily since her gall bladder op 5 years ago. I appreciate your advice on the AD's big time. The synthetic opioids are very addictive and like you say require increased dosages over time to perform the same level of pain reduction, Thanks Elizabeth