I feel guilty deserting a friend due to their demands

[Moonstruck]

Some of you know I had to distance myself from an old friend (male) with mild OCD, Aspergers type symptoms. I have been second guessing myself that I did the right thing and feeling bad about my decision . We had shared fun times together but in private it was becoming too much for me to handle and he could not seem to control the desire to continue the behaviour. I ended things on June 2 and have been "up and down" with my emotions, guilt, regret, loneliness, ever since that I did the wrong thing.

I ran into him by accident last week in a public place and he was pleasant friendly company leaving me guilty that I had "let him down" I'd ended our association due to his excessive, weird (some would say quite sick) demands and fantasy rituals and began regretting my decision as I enjoyed being out with him again.

I went away last weekend and out of the blue he rang offering a lift to the airport (as he has done in the past) I accepted as I certainly needed a lift - again he was pleasant and I felt enormous relief that possibly we could continue to be acquaintances who occasionally caught up with each other, not lose touch altogether.

I hate "losing people" who were important to me and despite his "problems" is a decent human being - it was like a huge weight had been lifted that there was no bad feeling on his part.

He returned something of mine yesterday and while again friendly , said he found it "disturbing and quite uncomfortable" being around me now and asked that we try not to "run into each other again" as it was very hard to handle whenever he saw me. I feel bad that I have lost an entire friendship because I couldn't tolerate his OCD and Aspergers-type symptoms not noticeable to others - only to me in private.

Perhaps I was wrong and they were harmless. If he could be happy without my participating in the rituals which had taken on a sexual sadistic aspect(I had to repeat certain lines, say the same words each time we were together alone etc) if he could have given all that up - I could have coped OK with the friendship continuing. he admitted he would have found it a big problem to stop the behaviour or controlling the desire to perform the rituals.

Was there anything else I could have done? I am beating myself up that I have done the right thing.....I can't bear "losing people" from my life. Have I thrown a good friend away because he has a mental quirk?I feel I have stuffed up......again!!

[james1]

Hi Moonstruck,

Someone else might be able to help better because I've never had to deal with this sort of thing before, but here's my (innocent) two cents:

Your first concern should be your own mental wellbeing. I've lost friends before for a variety of reasons, and we always beat ourselves up for it because we could've/should've/would've done things differently. That's always too hard on ourselves, and it's easy to forget that it takes two in a friendship. If he wasn't ready to give up something for you, and that's causing you distress, there's nothing more you can do.

So, no, you haven't thrown away a good friend. He didn't want to change and you can't change him, so the best thing for you sounds like walking away. Sure, if he changes and you feel safe, then it's up to you whether you want to talk again. But for now, it sounds like a bad place for you.

Please feel free to respond and elaborate on how you're coping, if you feel ready.

I wish you the best in the meantime - you sound like a really kind person to have been there for him, but don't forget to show yourself some kindness as well.

James

[Starwolf]

Hi Moonstruck,

No, you haven't stuffed up. You have taken good care of yourself by refusing to accept what was unacceptable to you. We all have different standards when it comes to the unacceptable. You have made the right decision by yours...the only ones that matter here. Well done !

Some relationships can transcend themselves from sexual intimacy into friendship, for example. Some don't. This man has made it clear that this change from one to the other is out of the question for him.

Moving on necessarily means leaving things/people behind. Looking forward -not back- makes it easier. Please keep in mind that you don't have to meet demands you cannot cope with. And such demands should never be imposed on you. This man refused to compromise. Why should you ?

I hope you can move on with peace of mind, knowing that you have made the right decision for you and stood up firmly for your beliefs and inclination.

[Wednesday]

Hi Moon,

No you haven't stuffed up! Congratulations on making the decision that he wasn't right for you and being strong enough to stop something unhealthy in your life. Gosh isn't it confusing though when you see the person later and they are nice, but of course you are not seeing all the person just the facade. You do know this man and his behaviours, which didn't suit you and you made a courageous decision to move on.

He is not going to change and you're not comfortable with his demands (yes they are not requests) and any compromise seems unlikely. To bring something insignificant around to you, my guess is he was testing you. It's easy if your feeling lonely or you feel guilty, or that it was a mistake, to jump back in. Please don't second guess yourself it only undermines a well considered decision, time not to doubt yourself.

Be true to yourself dear Moon, if this behaviour is something you can't live with in the long term let the relationship go. Some relationships are only for a short time and not meant to last a lifetime. Maybe you just needed to learn a bit more about yourself and your boundaries or something else? By saying goodbye to this controlling man you free up some room for others to come into your life, maybe someone very special that you wouldn't have time for otherwise.

hugs, xx

[Moonstruck]

Starwolf, Wednesday, James -

thank you for your thoughts. I was not expecting making the decision and carrying it through to be easy.

Letting someone go who's nasty to you, that you cannot stand, and you don't like spending time with is hard enough, when they've been a part of your life for a considerable time.....BUT....letting someone go with whom you've had happy times, is basically a decent person, who says lovely complimentary things about you.....is the pits, it really is!

to respect his privacy regarding his peculiar traits, I only ever confided in my 2 best friends, a guy and a woman, who BOTH are heaving sighs of relief that I finally released myself from the situation. They have assured me over and over that Yes I did the right thing...in fact at one stage, the woman feared for my safety, that his compulsions would get "out of hand" - I brushed this aside as rubbish (which it probably was) but emotionally I was becoming absolutely "drained" keeping up with his ritualistic needs.

I was actually doing fine these past weeks....until I ran into him...and he was such pleasant company.....that's when I became totally confused. I realise now it will take me a lot of time to adjust - time which I will try to use putting "Me First".....a very unfamiliar concept for me.......thanks again.

[Wednesday]

Go girl! So well thought out, good luck. Can't wait to here about you putting yourself first. xx

[james1]

Hi moonstuck, I think I may have said this in another thread but I think it’s worth me saying here as well:

I’m someone on the spectrum of having a personality disorder so I’m kind of standing in your old friend’s shoes, and let me just reinforce that you are doing the right thing.

It is his choice to not change, just as it was my choice not to change before, but also my choice to try and change now. I know I hurt my ex-girlfriend and while it’s easy to blame the way my brain is wired, I am trying to hold myself responsible for my actions. And it really sucked for both of us to let go, but she decided to end it and, looking back, that was the right thing. It helped me see the problem was with me.

So, I’m really glad you’re now going to take the time to put yourself first. You can accept that you had a great friendship, but right now, that is not the kind of person you want to be keeping company with.

I’d love to hear how you’re going and let us know if you’re struggling in this difficult time!

[Starwolf]

Hi Moonstruck,

Those who need us to fulfill their needs usually excel at turning on the charm. Those who truly love us don't impose those same needs on us for their own gratification.You were doing fine before bumping into this man. You can do it again.

Any time spent trying to take care of yourself is time well spent. Well done for making this wise decision.