'I am Sorry' Overkill

[blondguy]

Hey everyone and new posters too!....I need your help...understanding...and advice..

I have a close friend who is suffering with depression and increasing anxiety. She is in her late 40's and has been a company director for years until her marriage fell apart a few years ago. To avoid paragraphs which can be hard work to read for anyone I will use bullet points..

• Every time I help her she apologises...over and over...
• She has chronic post operative pain after a gall bladder removal...(5 years ago)
• depression and anxiety have exacerbated since her operation...(on AD's...for 4 years)
• she is caring for her mum who is only in her 60's who is frail after a botched brain operation...
• I think she is a 'people pleaser'...strict catholic upbringing...nuns with big sticks..etc..

I have gently mentioned many times to my friend to stop apologising to me when I help her with anything...I just need some advice....Is the continual apologizing a sense of low self worth?....Or very low self esteem? I am stuck.

I am a great care giver who can work wonders but I am lost on this one. I am currently looking after six people on a face to face basis...(not on the forums)...but the continual apologizing during any conversations is taking its toll on me.

What do I do when someone I care about keeps apologizing to me all the time? Any understanding/advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Thankyou for reading my post 🙂 Any new posters are very welcome to help too!

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Moonstruck]

Your insights on OCD are appreciated Geoff...you are probably right about my friend even though theres no hand washing, going back to check locks etc but certainly other quirky stuff. They are harmless and seems cruel to judge a man for these little habits - if they're not hurting anyone. some are actually humorous...e.g. knowing the number of biscuits in a pack, or counting out the exact number of bananas to buy...then dividing by the days they have to last until next shopping day so he knows how many he is "allowed" to eat at a time etc.

he seems literally unable to simply go to the shop when he wants something, if its not the "right day". Or to simply have another banana, or biscuit, or whatever if he's still hungry. "I just can't" he says.

I began to second guess myself in what looks like throwing away a friendship that certainly had its happy points, that I will miss. esp when my sister (who'd hardly spent much time with him) thought it a bit mean as he is "such a nice person and seems pleasant company, and obviously likes me and treats me well"

I have kept his confidence and not revealed his ritualistic behaviour to anyone, none of their business anyway. Some of his rituals and rules had begun to take on sexual overtones, and he had certain "lines" he wanted me to say, sort of scripted conversation he liked to hear me say....he revealed some of his darker private thoughts which frankly made me uncomfortable. So when people can't understand and criticise me for "deserting"him...I guess I shall just have to wear it. My sister's comment did make me feel as if I'd perhaps acted too hastily. Only time will tell.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Moon, I think you have done the right thing, certainly for yourself, and probably for him too. And he has taken it pretty well also by all accounts, which must have made it easier for you.

It sounds like some of his rituals, habits and sometimes dark thoughts were starting to freak you out. And if you feel uncomfortable with such things, then its time to make a break.

It doesnt matter what other people think, they dont know him as you do.

From what I understand of Aspergers Syndrome, the symptoms you have described are consistent. Many of which are very similar to OCD. Aspergers sufferers have restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior. It is a mild autism type disorder which commonly results in physical clumsiness and unusual use of language. Does any of this sound familiar to your friend?

You have done right to keep his confidence, certainly he deserves that. It will be interesting to see if he wishes to maintain any contact with you at all now. He is no doubt a really nice person, but with many problems that you were unable to feel comfortable with. Its best for both of you to make this break now. I dont see it as 'desertion'. And I hope you can now feel good about it, and be able to relax again.

Sherie xx

[Just Sara]

Hi Moon;

I've read through this thread and can appreciate your concern; it seems quite a dilemma.

My knowledge of Asperger Syndrome includes their inability to interpret facial expressions and body language. The repercussions for friends/family can feel like a lack of empathy and sensitivity from them.

It doesn't take away from the fact you're uncomfortable, but I hope this helps you understand the complexities of the autism spectrum. By the sounds of it, his multi diagnosis isn't making matters any easier either.

In the mean time you need to protect yourself. Revealing your feelings re his sexually inappropriate comments and behaviour could be beneficial; he could be misinterpreting your silence or tolerance as you feeling mutually towards him. He may have been testing the waters so to speak.

Talk with him via email or letter if you're not confident with his response. And; you need to be clear about how his comments and behaviours are affecting you. If he hasn't expressed sexual deviations etc before, your safety is primary until his intentions are clear.

Walking away or talking about this with him is of course your choice. I hope this information has helped to give some clarity and direction.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[pipsy]

Hey Guys. If you ever watched the t.v show, M.A.S.H you may remember the guy who played the part of major Frank Burns. I have a feeling he suffered a form of OCD in the program. One episode in particular stands out where he was acting commander of the unit while the colonel was seconded elsewhere. Major Burns was in the 'Mess tent' lining up, and he informed the chef that the meals were out of 'sync'. According to him when he looked down the line, he wanted to see spuds, peas, beans, carrots etc all lined up not spilling over into each other. There were other incidents where the OCD seemed to manifest itself with him. I realize it was part of the character he portrayed, but it's interesting to note that OCD, possibly didn't hinder men and women being sent into active service.

Lynda.

[Moonstruck]

Thanks so much for your feedback Pipsy, Dizzy & Sherie....I'll be OK. It actually crossed my mind that a bit of "co-dependence" may be involved here.....I've always wondered exactly what that term meant.

I'm not going to stress over my own part in why this all continued on for so long...it's too fresh and still raw - I have to let it go.

.but have been examining my own motives (if any).....whether I was getting a pay-off from his dwelling on "how important I was to him, the best person he's ever met, so tolerant, so understanding," almost had me on a pedestal......which can be flattering let's face it, when you've gone through loneliness, depression and rejection..........so I may have to take responsibility here too, for allowing what's partly a quite toxic association to escalate for this long....I dunno.....I'm no expert.....just trying my best - like that line from Best Exotic Marigold Hotel "We get up in the morning, we do our best....that's all"........thanks again.

[blondguy]

Hey Moon 🙂 Co-dependence is a sensitive area especially as it means one person 'hanging on' to another for their own security and needs. I think I have done that as well. Having depression /anxiety can make us clingy to a loved one as its the security we are seeking in our life.

I am no expert either Moon on co-dependence but I do have basic knowledge on the subject.

Right now you are in the same boat as I am. The Recovery boat. I have learnt to row the recovery boat a little at a time without doing a degree in advanced psychology while healing 🙂

Thanks Moon for responding and sorry its taken me so long to get back.

Paulx

[Moonstruck]

BlondGuy......I ran into this person completely by coincidence.....(if there is such a thing) spoke for a little while....and I have started missing him....or at least...some of the things we used to do......there is a subtle difference. I don't know if it's the "person" I am missing, or the knowledge that the person was there somewhere, rather than the gap that is there now....I am very confused now, as you can see.

I feel back at Square One, and beginning to wonder if I made the right decision.

[blondguy]

Hey Moon, most of us would miss the good things we used to do with a person...being human we do. Sometimes we have too many 'tags' for everything...even though 'co-dependence exists its probably not your mental energy as the anxiety/depression would be a priority to slowly heal. Paulx

[Moonstruck]

Perhaps you are right Paul. I may not have given myself enough time to adapt to a major change in my life.. If I feel confused and sad, it maybe that I had best just "sit with that" for a while without struggling to "feel OK" or force a logical explanation of events where there may not even be one to be found!

I appreciate your support......perhaps I can be "there"for you one day.....best wishes....Moon x

[blondguy]

Morning Moon:-)

You have been around the forums for ages and have helped me before

Just found a typo in my post above..sorry..

even though 'co-dependence exists its probably not 'worth' your mental energy as the anxiety/depression would be a priority

Always good to see you in the forums Moon. Have a great day:-)

Paulx