Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Struggling to support my mum who lives in a different state

replies: 9

Hi, I'm 22 and can't seem to help my mum. 7 years ago my dad had an affair with my mums best friend & then my mum moved to QLD, I went with her, my 3 sisters stayed with my dad. After a year my sisters told my mum they don't want anything to do with her anymore. This is where the depression started, it wasn't too bad at first, then my pop passed away and it got worse, my sisters (who stopped all communication with my mum's side except for me) came to the funeral, this is where things turned into a nightmare. My sisters and dad no longer speak to me after the events that took place, I blame them for mums state. I then found out when my nan passed away, 1 year after my pop, that my mum tried to kill herself. It didn't suprise me. SHe finally seemed to get better for 4 months and then the past 2 months she is spiralling again but worse than before. When my pop passed away she moved to NSW to look after my nan. I feel horrible because it hurts so much that I can't be the child, that I have to be a parent and she is extremely clingy. The past month she hasn't asked about me, all she does is talk about herself and I'm starting to grow closer to my to be mother in law (getting married next year) and my mum isn't interested at all in the wedding and then complains about anything I bring up. I'm struggling with it all as she has no friends ( she seems to cause drama wherever she goes), my uncles who live near her are fed up with her behavior, gets upset when I can't come an visit her because I'm at uni and have 6 week pracs that I must attend. I love her so much but it feels like its getting too much, I'm constantly stressed, my marks have not been good since she takes everything out on me, I am crying every time after I speak to her because she makes me feel horrible. I don't know what to do. Any advice or recommendations would be appreciated.

How to Identify Someone with Depression and how to Approach It?

replies: 3

Hi guys, I'm new to the forum and wondering what you guys would recommend is the best way of identifying and approaching depression. I'm in my late teenage years and I've always noticed by dad is constantly irritable and angry at the slightest touches. My mum would always soften the blow saying his anger is just a phase but it has gone worse overtime. My dad is in his late 50s and has been structurally unemployed for sometime. He lost his job years ago and finds it difficult to re-enter the workforce and I believe a part of him has lost the desire to seek employment. He spends most of his time indoors, entertaining himself through the likes of the internet. He doesn't have any local friends. Sometimes he wakes up just angry and irritable like someone had slapped him in the face as he left the bed. He rarely leaves the house, even when invited to go somewhere, unless its for grocery shopping or another necessity of the like. I feel like he constantly rages and when he's angry, and when he does, he just wants everyone else to share his pain. I'm in youth years and I desire to attend social events and experience culture but I'm constantly restricted from such freedoms due to his unhappy mood expressing his belief that I should be chained as an introvert to experience his pain. He occasionally argues with me, my brother or my mother. He has some good days where he laughs and shares a joke but other days he's unbearable and all of us just close the doors to clear out his raging tantrums. He's never physically hurt any of us, but there's always yelling with a strong temper and really loud voice. Despite all this, we all believe he's a good man. I believe he's just lost his way. I sometimes empathise with him, and believe if I were in his shoes, I'd feel a little upset myself. I think he's suffering from something, maybe depression? I guess the main point I want to say is, how can I know for sure if it is depression? If so, I strongly believe he'll deny it. I think my mum raised it once but he just past the advice. How can I convince him to convince himself to get help? Last thing is, I don't want anyone to think he's a bad man, calling child services or anything like that. Deep down, he honestly does care for his children, he always advocates on the need of education and always pays for my necessities like textbooks. He's only talked things, never neglected me physically. And at the end of the day, I still want this man to be my dad.

Staying strong

replies: 1

How does the mother of a forty -something daughter with major issues stay strong? When psychotic episodes are 'real' and medication and help from the parents and only friend are rejected, it's tempting to walk. When you see the slippery slope get steeper. When you know that one day, her home will be gone and there will be noting left - what then? When she never says thanks or even recognise help? Even when she's okay, she's mostly not nice and treading on ice is the only way to keep the relationship going, how on earth do we stay strong? When she doesn't even care about her kids? How?

I feel guilty deserting a friend due to their demands

replies: 7

Some of you know I had to distance myself from an old friend (male) with mild OCD, Aspergers type symptoms. I have been second guessing myself that I did the right thing and feeling bad about my decision . We had shared fun times together but in private it was becoming too much for me to handle and he could not seem to control the desire to continue the behaviour. I ended things on June 2 and have been "up and down" with my emotions, guilt, regret, loneliness, ever since that I did the wrong thing. I ran into him by accident last week in a public place and he was pleasant friendly company leaving me guilty that I had "let him down" I'd ended our association due to his excessive, weird (some would say quite sick) demands and fantasy rituals and began regretting my decision as I enjoyed being out with him again. I went away last weekend and out of the blue he rang offering a lift to the airport (as he has done in the past) I accepted as I certainly needed a lift - again he was pleasant and I felt enormous relief that possibly we could continue to be acquaintances who occasionally caught up with each other, not lose touch altogether. I hate "losing people" who were important to me and despite his "problems" is a decent human being - it was like a huge weight had been lifted that there was no bad feeling on his part. He returned something of mine yesterday and while again friendly , said he found it "disturbing and quite uncomfortable" being around me now and asked that we try not to "run into each other again" as it was very hard to handle whenever he saw me. I feel bad that I have lost an entire friendship because I couldn't tolerate his OCD and Aspergers-type symptoms not noticeable to others - only to me in private. Perhaps I was wrong and they were harmless. If he could be happy without my participating in the rituals which had taken on a sexual sadistic aspect(I had to repeat certain lines, say the same words each time we were together alone etc) if he could have given all that up - I could have coped OK with the friendship continuing. he admitted he would have found it a big problem to stop the behaviour or controlling the desire to perform the rituals. Was there anything else I could have done? I am beating myself up that I have done the right thing.....I can't bear "losing people" from my life. Have I thrown a good friend away because he has a mental quirk?I feel I have stuffed up......again!!

'I am Sorry' Overkill

replies: 43

Hey everyone and new posters too!....I need your help...understanding...and advice.. I have a close friend who is suffering with depression and increasing anxiety. She is in her late 40's and has been a company director for years until her marriage fell apart a few years ago. To avoid paragraphs which can be hard work to read for anyone I will use bullet points.. Every time I help her she apologises...over and over... She has chronic post operative pain after a gall bladder removal...(5 years ago) depression and anxiety have exacerbated since her operation...(on AD's...for 4 years) she is caring for her mum who is only in her 60's who is frail after a botched brain operation... I think she is a 'people pleaser'...strict catholic upbringing...nuns with big sticks..etc.. I have gently mentioned many times to my friend to stop apologising to me when I help her with anything...I just need some advice....Is the continual apologizing a sense of low self worth?....Or very low self esteem? I am stuck. I am a great care giver who can work wonders but I am lost on this one. I am currently looking after six people on a face to face basis...(not on the forums)...but the continual apologizing during any conversations is taking its toll on me. What do I do when someone I care about keeps apologizing to me all the time? Any understanding/advice would be greatly appreciated Thankyou for reading my post Any new posters are very welcome to help too! Kind Thoughts Paul

Constant worry for ill brother...

replies: 1

Hi there, I'm new here. Hopefully I can give a quick rundown with what's going on with me and why I've chosen to reach out... My brother (in his 40's) has been diagnosed with depression since his 20's. He also has a number of chronic health issues that have contributed to this as well as bullying issues from the past (high school days) and so on... Although I'm not his carer (he still lives at home with our parents) I tend to offer whatever support I can by listening to him and texting/emailing (we don't live that close). Since November last year, his psych has decided to change his medication so, needless to say, things have been as rocky as ever since then. I always say the lines of communication are always open with me and that I'm here to listen, always, however the last few months I feel myself becoming effected by the lows he has been feeling and find myself becoming more and more distracted, even anxious as to his well being, day to day. This transition 'issues' to these new meds have been relentless and it seems that he may have a few days of feeling passable when he hits another low, again, and again. I feel so selfish even writing how it effects me when I know he's going through an agonising time right now, not to mention my poor parents who deal with this day in and day out. I'm finding that my distraction with this is having a ripple effect on my own family. I'm a mum to to kids and I need to focus on them and my husband, but it's so tricky at them moment. I find in bad tempered (due to more disappointment) as soon as I hear my brother has hit another low or he texts me to tell me how 'terrible' his life is. I am starting to feel guilty about having any 'fun' in my life as I know that things are anything but fun for him. Anything enjoyable planned lately feels melancholy for me as I can't shake my worry about his situation. I'm supposed to go on a little holiday with my husband and kids in a few weeks and I want to be present and happy around them, but I fear I will be gripped by anxiety and guilt about my brother's current situation whilst away. How frivolous it seems to be having a holiday at such a challenging time.... I'm sorry, this wasn't meant to be an essay. I'm just wondering if someone had some strategies for me to help me cope with all of this? Perhaps any ideas on how to try and control my responses to a situation I simply can't control?? I'm feeling bewildered and overwhelmed. Thanks So much

New Member - Concerned Mother - help!

replies: 6

Hi, this is my first post in the forums. I have a 26 year old son who was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago. He lives with his Father at the moment, not too far from me. We have both supported him with his journey to wellness, although he states that he prefers to talk to me rather than his Dad (who has some health issues of his own). He is currently almost finished his Uni degree (after a lot of indecision in the early years as to what degree he would do). He seemed to be doing so well, enjoying uni, getting awards for top of his class, etc. and was taking his medication. Recently he has crashed again. Unfortunately, I saw the slight warning signs a couple of weeks ago, but was assured by both him and his Father that he was "fine". Now for my intervention, where I find that he is not okay, and has stopped taking his meds about 3-4 weeks ago approximately. His sleeping pattern is irregular, ie staying up all night playing on the computer/watching movies, etc. and then sleeping all day. I am so distressed and concerned for him that he has slipped again... I am so proud of the wonderful person that he is, and really don't know where to start to get him back on track. I have suggested that he makes an appointment for both of us with his psychologist as a starting point. I've also suggested he contacts some friends to catch up but he said he doesn't want to do that yet. He is also concerned that he has now missed too much uni and will fail this semester.... any help and advice would be appreciated.

Boyfriend with situational depression.

replies: 2

Hi, I'm really looking for some advice on how to help my boyfriend of 6 months with what appears to be situational depression. Some background: We are both in our 50's and communication between us has been really good right from the start, in fact he has admitted to telling me things he has never spoken about before. I believe he suffers from PTSD from some traumatic experiences in his past and we have discussed the idea of counselling however he hasn't seemed too keen. For many months he has been coping with a particularly nasty divorce, a search for a solicitor and dealing with Child Support Agency. Major stressors. A little over a week ago he virtually stopped all communication with me. He told me it was nothing I'd done but he needed time. I've since found out that he has cut off all but essential contact such as with his kids. We actually saw each other last night but only because it was a longstanding date (apparently he thought a lot about cancelling). We didn't get a lot of time to talk but when we did he vented about CSA, his ex and his unsatisfactory meeting with a solicitor. He hasn't attended activities he loves such as the footy, his sleep is poor and interrupted, he is drinking too much (always a heavy drinker), can't seem to get organised, has lost interest in everything. He works for himself and for the first time ever he has customers chasing him to get work done, he just can't motivate himself. We went to a comedy show last night and he laughed and enjoyed it while he was there although not fully participating as he normally would. As we drove back to his place I watched him withdraw again and where I would normally stay the night, I asked if he would prefer me not to and he thanked me and said he'd like to be alone. He is a very proud man and doesn't accept help easily. I have asked around and have a number of contact details for solicitors. I have also learnt that a solicitor could deal with CSA for him which would take a lot of pressure off. My question is how do I approach him with this information in a way that preserves his pride and shows him that I'm trying to be helpful and not control him. Also, if giving him his space and allowing him to work through things on his own as he seems to want is the best way forward for him I'm happy to comply, but everything I've read to date seems to indicate that that wouldn't be a good idea. He is disappearing into a dark hole and I really want advice on the best way to help him.

Boyfriend with depression. In desperate need of advice

replies: 3

I have been with my partner for 6 months. I'm not going to tell you our relationship were perfect in the beginning and then it all fell apart because he has depression. But I am going to tell you, he was different. He had motivation for life and work, he once enjoyed affection, and loved being around me. So much so, he moved after a couple of weeks of being together. As of about two weeks ago he started living back at home, due to feeling an overwhelming need to be alone. I have approached him regarding this issue, and yes it did cause a fight which resulted with me in tears. The following morning, it ended with him in tears scared that I was going to leave him. I should point out that I have Bipolar disorder, so identifying signs of depression is kind of second nature. Having been living with him I was able to see him at his happiness, saddest and most vulnerable. And he's showing all signs of depression, however in the past two weeks particularly its taken a major toll on our relationship. I understand its difficult for someone with depression to focus on anything but what's going on in his head, however I feel if it continues he's going to spiral down and fast. He's agreed to see a professional, however won't commit to a day. My main concern is what can I do, to help him and salvage our relationship.

How to support depressed partner and recognise the triggers

replies: 2

Hi Beyond Blue. Im a 25 year old male going out with a 30 year old female. We have had a good relationship up until earlier of the start of this year. My partner has severe depression. She has told me she has had it for years but has only started taking medication for it around 3 months ago. Im often left unsure what to do or how to cope when she has an episode as I've never dealt with depression personally and don't know what its like. Almost every week she has a breakdown and its hard to deal with, often to the point where I can't see family members or friends as I know this will set her off. Well today I told her I couldn't do this anymore as it was starting to feel suffocating not being able to see or hang out with anyone else besides her. She took it the wrong way and now I feel bad about it. I just want some sort of stable lifestyle balance but lately its a mess. I feel like I don't have much of a social life anymore due to always having to be with her. She thinks im abandoning her if i'm with someone else but when she gets invited she doesn't want to come. Its a very tough thing to deal with and I'm not sure what to do anymore. The treatment she is on doesn't seem to work and I have no one else to ask. Any help would be much appreciated.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Struggling to support my mum who lives in a different state replies: 9

How to Identify Someone with Depression and how to Approach It? replies: 3

Staying strong replies: 1

I feel guilty deserting a friend due to their demands replies: 7

'I am Sorry' Overkill replies: 43

Constant worry for ill brother... replies: 1

New Member - Concerned Mother - help! replies: 6

Boyfriend with situational depression. replies: 2

Boyfriend with depression. In desperate need of advice replies: 3

How to support depressed partner and recognise the triggers replies: 2