'I am Sorry' Overkill

[blondguy]

Hey everyone and new posters too!....I need your help...understanding...and advice..

I have a close friend who is suffering with depression and increasing anxiety. She is in her late 40's and has been a company director for years until her marriage fell apart a few years ago. To avoid paragraphs which can be hard work to read for anyone I will use bullet points..

• Every time I help her she apologises...over and over...
• She has chronic post operative pain after a gall bladder removal...(5 years ago)
• depression and anxiety have exacerbated since her operation...(on AD's...for 4 years)
• she is caring for her mum who is only in her 60's who is frail after a botched brain operation...
• I think she is a 'people pleaser'...strict catholic upbringing...nuns with big sticks..etc..

I have gently mentioned many times to my friend to stop apologising to me when I help her with anything...I just need some advice....Is the continual apologizing a sense of low self worth?....Or very low self esteem? I am stuck.

I am a great care giver who can work wonders but I am lost on this one. I am currently looking after six people on a face to face basis...(not on the forums)...but the continual apologizing during any conversations is taking its toll on me.

What do I do when someone I care about keeps apologizing to me all the time? Any understanding/advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Thankyou for reading my post 🙂 Any new posters are very welcome to help too!

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

There are various reasons someone may be so apologetic. If she's a people pleaser, she probably does struggle with self esteem. Looking for affirmation and approval from others a lot typically is a sign that there's not a lot of positive reinforcement coming from within.

That said, with my other half at least, I get in a bit of an apologetic loop, myself. Nothing to do with self esteem, but because the same stuff keeps coming up, because it always seems to be him helping me and not me helping him, because I am angry that I'm not able to do more on my own and I'm partly apologising to myself.

They're pretty opposing reasons, but something that helps in both cases is to let the person know if they are helping you in some way, and reinforce that message on a semi-regular basis. Needing help is galling for someone like me and I want to be useful to someone even if I can't be so to myself. Feeling like a bother or that they're doing something displeasing will fluster and upset the people pleasers, so knowing they're doing something right that you like will probably ease that a bit.

Tired, and only formulating half-thoughts, but hopefully that's of some help.

[blondguy]

Hey Blue

I admire your wisdom and that you speak from the heart too..You have an innate gift where clarity is concerned.

I need that clarity right now...thankyou so much:-)

Paulxx

[Lost_Girl]

Hey Paul,

I can only speak from my experience. I find myself apologising all the time, especially to hubby who is my primary carer with my chronic pain. I say, "I am really sorry", hubby says, "I know, I understand". Then nothing more is said.

For me, it is;

• acknowledment from me to him that he is doing something that he wouldn't have needed to do if not for my illness
• me feeling useless and frustrated that I can't do it myself
• me feeling like a burden on him
• me feeling like saying that will somehow make him feel less annoyed for having to do it, especially if he is tired. Eg, has a long tiring day at work, hasn't slept well because of me then still has to back the day up with cooking, cleaning and bathing kids etc.
• wishing things were different
• seeking reassurance that he is happy to continue helping

Every time I say it, it is said with great love and appreciation. Sorry is often followed by I love you or I really appreciate what you are doing for me.

I don't have low self esteem or low self worth. I value myself quite highly even while feeling useless.

I was brought up catholic but as m not a practicing catholic. I am a people pleaser to some extent in that I much prefer being the giver.

On writing all of this, I realise instead of saying sorry I could probably just say thankyou. Somehow thankyou just doesn't seem enough of an acknowledgement of the sacrifice by the other person, particularly with regular care over an extended period.

I hope this helps in some way dear Mr. Woof.

Cheers,

Carol

[White_Rose]

Hello Paul

Well you certainly got my attention with this one. I have two friends who are doing it tough just lately. Friend one is a capable person who has her bad days just like all of us. When she needs help she asks for it and along with other friends of hers, I do what I can. When we part company I get a thank you. Just one and that's OK.

Friend two on the other hand does just what your friend does. She wants to be independent and generally looks after herself quite well. At the moment her depression is causing her a lot of grief and other happenings, which she cannot control, have really taken their toll. So I get phone calls asking me if I am OK when really what she means is she is not OK and wants to talk. Then I get all these thanks, just as you describe, and I get irritable.

I know she is struggling and I want to help as much as I can. In this situation I believe she gets very ashamed of wanting help. "I should be able to manage on my own". The reality is we all need a helping hand and asking is a good sign. Some people feel very guilty about 'bothering' others and are constantly torn between wanting help and being afraid of rejection because they ask too often.

One of the things I do is to thank her for allowing me to help. This is a fairly novel idea to my friend and it does stop the thanks a little. I also remind her that we are here to help each other and she has helped me in the past. A couple of times I tell her when she becomes a nuisance (one of her comments ) I will stop.

It is difficult to say to someone, stop apologizing, because that's all they have to give. I think it's partly pride which says they need to make a return of some kind for your services and clearly money or gifts are not appropriate. It's also a way of appeasing you, just in case you get fed up. And of course it's counter productive.

The bottom line I find is to grit your teeth and bear it. I say, quite firmly, "I know my dear, but you don't need to keep saying this. I am happy to help you at any time." Mixed results. In the end I believe you must live with it. Maybe try ignoring the thanks although that may make her more anxious. You know when you are a bit down a helping hand is great but it brings some shame at not helping ourselves. It's the tired brain giving itself messages and making us feel guilty.

Try to remember this. As your friend get stronger I am sure the thanks will decrease. Meanwhile, keep on keeping on. You are doing a great job.

Mary

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad I could help, Paul... Wait, did you just use my own trick on me? 😛

[blondguy]

Hi Carol..Thankyou for posting back....This thread has only been 'on the air' for 5 minutes and like Blues you have given me some light at the end of the tunnel. I am a stubborn capricorn and you have given me some peace tonight....I am learning.

I have been brought up to listen...and not speak.....seriously. You knew this all the time 🙂 Mr Woofxx

[geoff]

hi Paul, there have been many good comments back to you, however she was once a company director until her marriage fell apart, so she would feel this as being weak, and is keen on any reassurance she can get, and not being rejected.
She is trying to restore trust in someone so that her confidence can be rebuilt, but also feels as though that everything that is going on she is actually beating herself up for what's happened.
She has to understand that everybody does make mistakes, I do, you do and no one is flawless, it's impossible to be perfect and let her know that she is no different to everyone else. Geoff.

[Elizabeth CP]

Last year after breaking my ankle I was unable to drive so reliant on others to drive me to appointments (as well as everything else I could no longer do) I felt stupid for injuring myself & frustrated not being able to do normal activities. I also struggled feeling useless as I could no longer care for my husband properly. A lady from church insisted on taking me to outpatient appointments. I felt bad thinking she couldn't afford the petrol & it involved very long waits so I apologised to her. She then told me that she loved helping people & due to her age she was limited in what she could do so she wanted to take me because it made her feel good. She pointed out she had knitting to do in the car while she waited & the radio to listen to. Knowing how much she wanted to help allowed me to feel OK about accepting her offers of lifts to other appointments.

Knowing she enjoyed helping me meant I didn't feel the need to over apologise.

[Moonstruck]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this or not.......I have to try, yet again, to explain to a friend why I have to extricate myself from a situation they have come to depend on, get enjoyment out of and delight in.....I don't want to do it any more, I don't look forward to it, I have been doing it as a huge favour and know how important I am to this person in this capacity.......

my friend has, I believe, a mild, if you can have mild, version of Aspergers...where he has to do things exactly the same way, same time, same day...adhering rigidly to a "program" and practically impossible to change, or be flexible at all....this is really going to throw him if I change the pattern he has come to depend on for 7 years....I just can't do it any more...I have my own anxiety problems and this situation is escalating my own stress..I am a mess from knowing how to "get my message through"....he does not seem to "hear me".....I have tried to explain, let down lightly, ease off a little bit at a time etc etc....these slight changes have been VERY hard enough for him to cope with.......I just have to get myself OUT of the situation completely He has never been diagnosed, nor accepts there is "anything wrong" although it is painfully obvious. I described his traits to my own psych yesterday....and she said immediately..."oh, sounds like Aspergers".....he is a virtual recluse, no family, an only child, parents dead, no mates, no hobbies, no job and also a dedicated alcoholic.....no trouble in public but knows he is drinking himself to a slow death and wants to go that way......to cut down is out of the question. he has said many times, all he has in his life is beer....and me! I feel so guilty and hate hurting or disappointing anyone.....he keeps wanting me to explain, to justify why I can't fill his needs any more, he can't understand, why so all of a sudden? he is asking me.

It's not a sudden decision of mine at all - it has taken years to build up. and ages for me to get up the courage to say No. I am sick of trying to explain in words he will understand....I am not trained to deal with this strange mental quirk he has (which is not noticeable to anyone else by the way).........My anxiety is thru the roof as I cannot go on like this any more. Does anyone have any tips or do I just run away as fast as I can? thanks..Moon