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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Lulu13 Mum looking for some ideas
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, my 27 year old son has been diagnosed with anxiety and I'm looking for some ideas to help get him through. I live about 5 hours from him and work full time. I've taken some time off work at the moment and am spending time with him. He is... View more

Hi everyone, my 27 year old son has been diagnosed with anxiety and I'm looking for some ideas to help get him through. I live about 5 hours from him and work full time. I've taken some time off work at the moment and am spending time with him. He is managing to work - he's self employed - as long as he has someone with him he feels safe with. I listen, and I've accompanied him to appts when he's wanted me to. He seems calmer with me around but I'm worried what will happen when I have to return to work - any ideas on how I can provide support now and then long distance when I have to go back to work?? He has a happy marriage and two little kiddies, has a great small business and is a popular bloke. I hate to see him suffering. He understands what he has and goes between intense anxiety and being rational about what he's feeling anxious about. Any and all ideas would be much appreciated!

Smilesy Caring partner looking for some support
  • replies: 4

Hey all! These forums are amazing. I've been snooping around a little and within 15 minutes of reading I instantly felt better about my situation and realised I'm not alone - so awesome! I'll introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old mum of three. My husba... View more

Hey all! These forums are amazing. I've been snooping around a little and within 15 minutes of reading I instantly felt better about my situation and realised I'm not alone - so awesome! I'll introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old mum of three. My husband who is 35 suffers from chronic depression. He is a stay at home dad with the three kids and I work full time in a fab job and am also finishing off the last parts of a law degree. I love my husband very much but as a lot of you would understand, living with somebody who has depression can be extremely difficult. I have come here to these forums to seek advice and support from others who support a spouse/partner with depression and gain insight from those suffering so I can support my husband and help him manage (or even better - overcome!) his illness. I've downloaded all the resources from the BB website and they have been very helpful in the past. Nice to meet you all and thanks again for just being here Smilesy.

Daydream How to break through?
  • replies: 2

Hi I am mum to 29 yo lad still living at home - the term 'failure to launch' may apply. He is highly intelligent ,had a long uni stint including postgrad and now holds a good but unsatisfying job. He has always struggled socially , with intercommunic... View more

Hi I am mum to 29 yo lad still living at home - the term 'failure to launch' may apply. He is highly intelligent ,had a long uni stint including postgrad and now holds a good but unsatisfying job. He has always struggled socially , with intercommunication and relationships. Over past 3 years he has slowly withdrawn from all friends. Apart from going to work each day he spends every waking hour in his (childhood) bedroom playing computer games etc. He can/will barely converse or look us in the eye now. I imagine that he is resentful of being at home still and I do understand and have offered assistance to move. No response! I am watching this inexorable decline and despite all my efforts of providing information ( eg BB et al) communicating , suggesting psychs, GPs, life coaches, I cannot break through. I am now reaching a point where I fear what may happen if we cant get him help soon. Looking for anything that I could try

Ladersconfuseme Concerned Friend
  • replies: 5

Hi guys not sure if anyone can help but I don't know what to do anymore my best friend has previously been hospitalised for schizophrenia but now states there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't need her medication at first she seemed really go... View more

Hi guys not sure if anyone can help but I don't know what to do anymore my best friend has previously been hospitalised for schizophrenia but now states there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't need her medication at first she seemed really good and like the person I grew up with but unfortunately it didn't last in the last week she has been constantly concerned about people following her she won't answer the door or won't answer her phone she has become really quiet and withdrawn some mornings she just doesn't show up for work I have had to convince her to climb down of the roof when I asked her why she was up there she said it was because she felt like going for a fly she was lying in the middle of a main road the other day when I said you will get killed doing that she replied that nothing can kill her her personal hygiene has gone south and her house is a mess and she never eats and has lost a lot of weight I don't know much about mental health and I don't know if any of this is related to her previous diagnosis of schizophrenia or if it depression I have asked her if she is hearing voices and she always says no more than usual and won't say anymore just not sure what to do I'm concerned if I contact her mental health worker she won't trust me anymore and she doesn't have anyone else any advice would be greatly appreciated

Valkyrie Where do I even start?
  • replies: 4

My partner and I have been together for 12 months. For 10 months now, he has been spiralling down with depression, to the point where I think he needs to go to the hospital. He has withdrawn from most of his family and all of his friends. He rarely l... View more

My partner and I have been together for 12 months. For 10 months now, he has been spiralling down with depression, to the point where I think he needs to go to the hospital. He has withdrawn from most of his family and all of his friends. He rarely leaves the house, and when he does it only takes a small amount of time before he can't cope and needs to go home. He neglects his physical health and appearance. He has gained weight and suffers from insomnia.Our sex life is non existent. He has constant negative thought patterns regarding not being deserving of anything good, and he feels terribly guilty and that he is ruining my life (persistent delusion?) He says he is constantly fighting the thought that leaving me would be the best thing for me, and that he should go far away so he doesn't hurt me (emotionally) or mess my life up. He has been seeing a psychiatrist and has been diagnosed with severe melancholic depression. He has tried 8 different medication combinations in 9 months and had some awful side effects. I think it takes an incredible amount of bravery to keep going when he is still so unstable, and there is no sign that things are going to get any better any time soon. I find it hard to understand his headspace, and this fight that he constantly has going on with the thoughts he isn't good enough or deserving of a relationship. I don't know how to help him without making things worse. He says his modus operandi so far in his life has been to leave someone before things get this hard, and that admitting how he feels is gutwrenchingly hard for him. He hasn't sought treatment before now though, so I think this may be progress? I miss the person I fell in love with though. I miss the intimacy we had, and the great physical relationship that's disappeared. I resent that his illness is impacting on my postgrad studies (I'm an RN, and I'm doing further study in Critical Care), and that him not working is affecting our finances. I feel guilty that it sounds like I am only worried about how this affects me, even though 99% of the time it's about him.I see a counsellor twice a week and journal to cope with how I feel, but sometimes I suffer from mild anxiety, and I resent this too. Surprisingly though, we have great communication, and have spoken about all of these issues. We just don't have any answers I can't even remember what I originally asked for help or advice with, at this stage though, I'm willing to take advice on anything, from anyone.

Libertyblu Depressed husband
  • replies: 3

Hi, new here and looking for some advice. My husband started to show signs of depression a few years ago after an accident which was followed by a period of ill health with several different health problems which have only recently been resolved. In ... View more

Hi, new here and looking for some advice. My husband started to show signs of depression a few years ago after an accident which was followed by a period of ill health with several different health problems which have only recently been resolved. In this time a new person at his work place wreaked havoc in his work life. She was extremely narcissistic and managed to turn his boss (and former best friend) against him. The job became so toxic that he resigned and has moved on to a similar position with another company. He has been unable to move on emotionally and has a lot of resentment and anger over how he was treated. He is now having problems in his new job with one person who continually picks on minor details. He has had to tell his new boss that he is suffering from depression, and has also told the person he is having problems with. This made a difference for about 2 days and then the nit-picking has started again. He tends to take everything very personally, and while his boss is very supportive he doesn't want to rock the boat with the other employee either. I have finally convinced him that he needs to talk to someone and perhaps look at a change in medication, but as we live in a small town I am worried that it will take ages for him to get into a counsellor. He has started to talk about leaving his job and I am scared that he thinks that this will solve his problems and they will just resurface again later on. He has talked about suicide and I am really frightened.

HappyGilroy Too much thought not enough typing.
  • replies: 2

Good morning BB, I've known of this site for a while and even made a few donations however I've avoided using it myself because I thought I'd be strong enough to work my own issues out. Sucks being wrong . Here goes. It's now 2am, approximately 4 hou... View more

Good morning BB, I've known of this site for a while and even made a few donations however I've avoided using it myself because I thought I'd be strong enough to work my own issues out. Sucks being wrong . Here goes. It's now 2am, approximately 4 hours before I'm expected at work. I've had no sleep and I'm sitting up trying to devise a plan in order to help my partner with her Condition. I've tried so many options so far with little result. I've always been an anxious person myself, analyzing every detail and coming up with multiple scenarios, trying to decide. To me it seems even a simple task like buying a new pair of socks is impossible at times and I end up shying away because the color isn't quite right or for some other stupid reason like the stitching is offset. They're socks ! Why does this matter ? When my partner talks to me about her condition my mind starts cycling, asking questions like what can I do ? what isn't she telling me ? is she deliberately trying to push me away ? Is there another man ? I've read online articles on her condition, they all say that my thoughts and emotions are how people usually feel when dealing with people who have partners suffering from the condition but I am still left with no better idea of how to help, I know the answer is right in front of me but it feels like you have to push a 20 tonne stone off to accept it. Most articles will tell me that in order to help your partner/friend/loved one, you must first look after yourself, exercise, eat healthy, sleep. I know they're right, but it seems every time I find myself in a good place my partner will fall into the abyss. We used to joke about how it seemed like an emotional see saw, one of us will be down and the other will pull the other out of it before falling into the pit for themselves. Someone must have had a pretty messed up sense of humor to build that playground into our DNA. well it appears I have almost torn through my 2500 characters and haven't even scratched the surface or bought a packet of chips for the snack table. I guess all I'm really here for is to find anyone I can relate to and hopefully gain some understanding of how I can deal with my partners condition. If I can figure out a way to understand her behavior at least maybe I can work on my own wellbeing and then aim more focus towards supporting her Thank you for taking the time to read my rant Now to go back and rewrite so I can ensure it makes sense, then off to buy new socks

Maggie_Ann Struggling Supportive Family Member
  • replies: 5

Yes the title sums it up for me, I feel hopeless/helpless to support my niece anymore. My niece has been battling depression for years now, in and out of mental health units of hospital, failed marriage and she is the mother of 2 young school age kid... View more

Yes the title sums it up for me, I feel hopeless/helpless to support my niece anymore. My niece has been battling depression for years now, in and out of mental health units of hospital, failed marriage and she is the mother of 2 young school age kids that she cares for fulltime (well until 2 weeks ago). As a family, we have banded together to give support in every way that we know how, but it only works when my niece is willing, which is not often enough, you see, she decided to go cold turkey off her meds because she was gaining weight without doctor consultation or discussion with family. Her decision to do so has landed her back in hospital again, and we (the family) were not notified until 2 weeks after the fact. Yes I know this sounds strange, but with regular contact from family and friends, she kept saying that "all was going well". I'm guessing that she advised the medical staff not to contact us?, whatever her reasons, as a supportive family, we are now all experiencing our own anxieties, frustrations and sadness, especially when there are 2 young children concerned. My sister (nieces mother) is not sleeping due to excess worry over the current situation. We all feel like taking an almighty step back from her.......we know in our hearts that this is not the answer. :-{

Peppie Depression, Anxiety & OCD - My Boyfriend needs time to be alone
  • replies: 1

My Boyfriend of 6 months started to experience a form of OCD which started soon after we started dating. This caused his anxiety to worsen and as a result he now also has depression. He has had 6 or so appointments with a psychologist in this time wh... View more

My Boyfriend of 6 months started to experience a form of OCD which started soon after we started dating. This caused his anxiety to worsen and as a result he now also has depression. He has had 6 or so appointments with a psychologist in this time which is a good thing and has recently been prescribed antidepressants (but wont take them). Earlier this week (Tues) he sent me a messaged and said we needed to talk, I knew immediately what was about to happen. He told me he is a mess, and his head is a mess and that he needs to be on his own to sort himself out, which means we cant be together. He said, if we have any chance of being together in the future he needs to do this now, for him and me. he said he would call in a couple of weeks. Later that night (midnight) he called to apologise for hurting me and said he thought he was doing the right thing for me but he has never felt more alone and that he had lost his entire support network. We met yesterday (Friday) and I laid everything out on the table and told him that i would be there for him to support him in whatever way he needed. We decided, we should just pause for a couple of weeks, and not break up until he has time to think and try and clear his head. He said he loves me and doesnt want to lose me from his life. Moving forward, He is apparently off O/S to attend a mental health retreat (I don't know the full details). His parents have apparently looked into it and organised it. I am concerned they think he will go there and come back cured. He is also Moving to Rural NSW (10 hours from any major city), for his job towards the end of April. He will have limited to no access to health services, No support network, no friends and be isolated. I fear this will cause him to spiral out of control. I am respecting his decision that he needs time to be alone, as difficult as it is. Although confused at the idea that he still is engaging with his friends and family but I, the one person who has shown any understanding and support the whole time has restricted contact. I guess i'm struggling with the fact that I love him with all my heart, and I really don't know what to do. I know I can only say and show him that I will be there for him but at the same time know I cant put my life on hold waiting and hoping that we can work a way through this together and come out the other side. Help!

Violet-Acacia Where do we go from here
  • replies: 1

Long story short my friend has been anorexic, bulimic, depressed and has anxiety...we thought she was getting better but she's been pushing us all away. I know the signs and i can see she's going down a really dangerous path, this has all happened be... View more

Long story short my friend has been anorexic, bulimic, depressed and has anxiety...we thought she was getting better but she's been pushing us all away. I know the signs and i can see she's going down a really dangerous path, this has all happened before about 2 years ago. I'be been there for the past 5 years, but i can't drag her out of this one. I've always said that if she doesnt deal with this its going to kill her. I feel bad for admitting that i'm waiting around for the phone to ring and finding out that she's gone. We can't help her, she doesnt want her... she refuses. So much has happened, it's too much to explain. Some of the things that would only happen in movies or you hear about; she lost a baby...how am i supposed to help her with that. She thinks she killed it...but she was 15 and a natural process. She couldnt have prevented that. I can just see all the bad things turning toxic; wanting a boyfriend to validate her existence. Ive run out of things to say to her, she doesnt even want to be around me. She resents me for being "thin" and according to her "perfect". I really dont know what to do anymore, and all this has come about by the smallest thing that seems like it would be so easy to fix. But i know her, this is a never ending cycle... the only way i can see it ending is badly.