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Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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missgiggles How to act when around a good friend with anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hello, I have a friend that has social anxiety, depression and a whole range of emotional issues due to a very traumatic, terrifying past. She confides in me and she says that telling me really helped. We are extremely close, she is like a sister. We... View more

Hello, I have a friend that has social anxiety, depression and a whole range of emotional issues due to a very traumatic, terrifying past. She confides in me and she says that telling me really helped. We are extremely close, she is like a sister. We have decided to have regular catch-ups with just us two, as she is more comfortable one-on-one (as am I). She is a very strong person and still attends parties with our friends (We're at the age where all our friends are getting married), but she tends to leave early, when she can feel an anxiety attack coming on. I am not very good with words and I know that I can unintentionally "put my foot in it". I am just wondering if there is any advice people can give me on how to keep her comfortable when she is around me. Or how to best support her when we do go to parties. For those of you with social anxiety, is there anything that has upset you that a friend or family member has done? or is there anything that someone has done that has helped? Another issue is that I have a new baby, and I know she has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. Will the fact that I have had a miscarriage and had trouble conceiving too help her to deal with me having a baby? She seems very happy cuddling my baby, but it might just be her putting on a strong front. Please help, I really want to help my friend through this terrible time. -missgiggles

Hippybrad Wife
  • replies: 3

My wife has commenced taking an antidepressant and benzodiazepine medication. Her gp agrees she has anxiety and depression. She is suffering due to her children deciding to live with their dad and it's like they just disappeared from our lives as if ... View more

My wife has commenced taking an antidepressant and benzodiazepine medication. Her gp agrees she has anxiety and depression. She is suffering due to her children deciding to live with their dad and it's like they just disappeared from our lives as if there was a car accident. She was so fit and healthy until 3 months ago and now it's like she has given up even going outside.She is doing well with our toddler. I know I'm not allowed to suggest, encourage or make her do anything but I'm struggling with what I can do. She won't go to counselling. Her last episode was about 9 years ago before we were together and she was raising the kids with her then partner. I'm realising myself now that I should have spent more time making friends and less time making money because I have no one to share this with. Any ideas on what I should do to get her to talk to a professional?

xtragrouse How can I help my wife
  • replies: 2

My wife became depressed a few years ago after discovering that her elderly father had done something deceitful and tricked her into helping. Previously she had trusted and looked up to her father. Her mother (now dead) did her best to bring her up c... View more

My wife became depressed a few years ago after discovering that her elderly father had done something deceitful and tricked her into helping. Previously she had trusted and looked up to her father. Her mother (now dead) did her best to bring her up correctly but made the mistake of using negative tactics rather than praise and support. She is on anti-depressants and has seen a psychologist in the past. She is not seeing one now. My problem is that I don't know how to help. Everything I say seems to be wrong. For example, I tried to tell her that her father did what he did because he was in the early stages of dementia and he would not have done it if the circumstances had arisen a few years earlier. This just seems to undermine her own self esteem. She won't believe her father has dementia and thinks he is just a pigheaded, selfish old man.

ConcernedSon2013 Concerned for a parent who is depressed
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I am looking for some advice about my Mum, she lives at the Goldcoast I live in the UK so I have no idea what to do about her situation. She is in her late 60s, my Dad died a few years ago and she now lives with my younger brother but he igno... View more

Hi all, I am looking for some advice about my Mum, she lives at the Goldcoast I live in the UK so I have no idea what to do about her situation. She is in her late 60s, my Dad died a few years ago and she now lives with my younger brother but he ignores her situation and hopes for the best. My older brother is going to visit her soon and try to help her but he doesnt really know the best course of action. Is the best advice to give him that he takes her to a GP and gets her treatment for depression? What kind of activities could she get involved in at her age that would be good for her e.g. can she volunteer at a hospital?

Saska Pushing friends and loved ones away
  • replies: 5

Hi All I am new here.I joined because I have severe anxiety and have some family members and friends with depression and I want to learn how to support them. My question is ------Just met a really nice guy. Over the past few weeks we have had some ch... View more

Hi All I am new here.I joined because I have severe anxiety and have some family members and friends with depression and I want to learn how to support them. My question is ------Just met a really nice guy. Over the past few weeks we have had some chats and he confessed he has severe depression and has for a long time. He told me he has lost a few very important relationships over the time, including a girl he thought he was going to marry, due to his depression. He explained that he gets down and pushes people away from him. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and asked that he please try not to push me away. Anyway all was good up until last Thursday night. We had a few laughs via sms and I've only received one sms since explaining that he was feeling down and was going to keep to himself for a while. I really want to be his friend (would love to be more than friends) and support him. How do I support him when he's pushed me away? Do I keep sending him the odd sms and letting him know I am still around? Or do I give him his time out?? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

alethea Husband's Depression & Anxiety Getting To Me
  • replies: 3

My husband was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies about 4 years ago. Since then he's been on medication. Even with the medication, he's paranoid, defensive and often aggressive towards the wrong people, which is evident in his inabil... View more

My husband was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies about 4 years ago. Since then he's been on medication. Even with the medication, he's paranoid, defensive and often aggressive towards the wrong people, which is evident in his inability to hold a job for longer than 6 months. He's a qualified and experienced IT programmer and his skills are in high demand, but he can never get along with people and always ends up at the losing end. He's always worrying about something, makes mountains out of molehills and what's worse, believes the entire world is conspiring against him. He believes that everyone around him and known to him are in some grand scheme to make him the centre of the universe! After 7 years of marriage, dream after dream shattering into millions of pieces, I'm at breaking point myself. I feel I'm headed for a life of depression too. I've seen two counsellors so far, who have said I just need to keep talking to him and support him, that communication is key. I've tried, but he always says I don't understand him and that I don't see his point of view. He has even accused me of not knowing how the world works. I'm so sick of it now, what do I do?

danniman How to help someone i love
  • replies: 4

Hi Everyone, Someone i love more then anything in the world is suffering from depression. Hes my ex partner who i love dearly and is the most important person in the world to me even though we are seperated. Hes pulled away from me saying that we are... View more

Hi Everyone, Someone i love more then anything in the world is suffering from depression. Hes my ex partner who i love dearly and is the most important person in the world to me even though we are seperated. Hes pulled away from me saying that we are not close anymore and i feel like he picks at me about issues when really its his depression talking. I really want to help him but i dont know how. Ive told him i love him and im here for him and i hope one day he can talk to me about all the things he has festering away inside himself. I just dont know what i can do to help him. Any advice would be great.

Leeboi33 My dads is not doing great
  • replies: 4

Hi guys , long story short I'm 24 dads 53 and he had a heart attack about a year and a half ago , since then he's saying that he wakes up everyday expecting to die and that he feels worthless, now that I'm grown up and he's on the verge of retiring ,... View more

Hi guys , long story short I'm 24 dads 53 and he had a heart attack about a year and a half ago , since then he's saying that he wakes up everyday expecting to die and that he feels worthless, now that I'm grown up and he's on the verge of retiring , mum can't help much she doesn't know what to do or say and either do I , he's been so strong and motivated my whole life and now he's a different person , he would never ask for help so I've come here to see if anyone has an idea on what I can say or things I can suggest to try to get him to feel abit more happy about life . Ps sorry if there is any typos I'm on my iPhone

giggles Estranged from family member
  • replies: 10

Hello I have had this dilemma hanging around for a long time now but would like to know if others would take the same approach or perhaps leave it. It is about a family member that I have always had a connection with while the relationship was on the... View more

Hello I have had this dilemma hanging around for a long time now but would like to know if others would take the same approach or perhaps leave it. It is about a family member that I have always had a connection with while the relationship was on the phone because of distance it was important to hear from that member over the years. We now live in the same place but the relationship is none existent. While I can accept that we have our lives to live and we are busy with other things I can not seem to move past the fact that I would like to be seeing him more and have the relationship we use to have. For me I am having alot of trouble just letting them go because I miss them and wonder why I have been treated like this and other people are having more time with them.I have made a time to be with him and am wondering if I should bring up how I have been feeling because I believe it will not change anything in the situation but it gets annoying for me when I keep hearing things about him through family grapevine and I use to be in the grapevine. It is consistently doing my head in because my heart is hurting and I keep wondering is it me or is it him.Why has this happened with this family member? Righto throw some stuff at me with your thoughts please. This is really about me finding a happy place to move onto instead of having these feelings comeup it almost feels like he has died but keeps coming back to haunt me. There might be a few grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... in this one. Not giggling over this one. Giggles.

DanniR Seeing a GP
  • replies: 6

My partner had a breakdown last week. He was advised that he is suffering from depression by a CAT team. It has been 5 days since the breakdown. Myself, his mum & brother are trying to get him to go & see his GP. We have not said he must go but asked... View more

My partner had a breakdown last week. He was advised that he is suffering from depression by a CAT team. It has been 5 days since the breakdown. Myself, his mum & brother are trying to get him to go & see his GP. We have not said he must go but asked him. He doesn't want to, he doesn't believe is ill. I understand that he needs to want to go but I would appreciate some advise on how to get him to realize he needs some help before he has another break down.