Positive encouragements / actions

[One_of_Many]

Hi everyone! This is my first post. First of all thanks to those who have shared their experience and advise here on this forum. They have been very useful to me, and I'm sure to many others as well. In fact just by knowing that we are not alone dealing with the depression is already a big encouragement.

Inspired by another thread 'List of the Worst Family Comments re: Depression', I would also love to hear some inputs for someone who has a family member or friend with depression. What are some positive comments / things do you think they can say or do that would be encouraging?

Thanks!

[bman42]

Hi One of Many and welcome to BB

Just like you I have found the posts here VERY useful and they have helped me in taking steps forward. Don't be afraid to ask for advice or support on here as there a lot of great people on here with a lot of experience in a wide range of subjects

As for your question, I don't have anyone to share my feelings with in the real world but the one thing I would love to hear from someone would be 'I'm here for you' and for them to mean it

Bman

[S_A_D_]

Hello One of Many,

I'm sorry. I have found from experience that encouragement is found in syntax and context, and expressed through body language and tone of voice. The words are rarely  significant on their own.

After an encouraging or motivating experience, quite often we only remember the words, because our linguistic communications are so limited in identifying and describing nuances of context and body language. What does it mean when a person raises their upper lip and flares their nostrils for a quarter of a second? Is their emotion different from when someone purses their lips for 1/10th of a second, or furrows their brow for half a second?

Did you see it, or was it a glint of sunlight coming through the window? How good is your vision? What if their suspected emotional reaction was to something other than you? Were their words in sync with what you think you saw on their face? which would you believe, the face or the words?

So if I said "You can do it, mate. Keep trying." You might think this is encouraging. But what if it was being said to someone who couldn't possibly achieve their desired result, and they were encouraged to waste their energy. Now what if I was grinning when I said it, and I made a hand gesture with an "L" on my forehead. This was part of the cruelty that was unleashed on me every day for years, so I paid attention and learned how they manipulated me in order to develop defences. This has become my armour, my safety net, and a warm blanket of comfort and protection. This is the power of rational argument.

The opposite can be said for a phrase like "Give up now. You'll never make it." For the same reason. Context. You may not hear the end of that piece of advice, that might go "Save your strength. Try again tomorrow, and the next day, and every day, but you must give up for today." This ending could be expressed through a warm embrace, or a barely perceptible nod of approval that says "well done", followed by a flicking tilt of the head that says "Cmon. Lets go home."

The best source of encouragement comes from within. In times of crisis, if you do not go within, you go without. For some people, when they go within they find a core of religious faith. Others find themselves vulnerable. I find truth, and the truth shall set me free in that crisis situation.

What do you find within you?

[geoff]

dear One of Many, welcome aboard, we need as many people as we can, because there are so many different stories that people want to say, as well as it's always something different that we all learn from.

Your question can vary from one person to the next, in other words person A doesn't want to anything, or person B wants to talk but just needs to feel comfortable first, or person C wants to talk but you have to start them off by asking a question.

The three of these people can have different degrees of depression or it could be a loss of someone close to them, or they could have been sexually abused earlier on in their life, but all of these is where they really want an understanding and a projective approach.

It all depends on whether a depressed person comes to you for help and support, or whether this is reversed, and this is a huge difference.

If they come to you they want to talk to you, obviously, and they may drop a word which tells you they are depressed, like 'shit I had a bad day yesterday', or ' bloody hell', or ' I'm not looking forward to going to the party', or they may come up to you and just sit down and not say a word, the list goes on and on.

On the other hand you go and see them and ask them 'you missed golf today', or 'I was waiting for you for an hour, and you didn't answer your mobile', or 'I think you have been crying'..

In either case it's important not to ask them question after question, because this will make them curl up into a ball and want to run away.

Rather than go straight to the jugular and ask them without any hesitation, you can try and get them to open up by coming from a side approach like, 'are you looking forward to xmas', or 'how was your golf yesterday',

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear One,

The most positive encouragement a person can give to a depressive person is to accept their situation.     There was a discussion on pop music recently on BB and music is very helpful too.    (That's if one accepts that pop music is music !)

My big band worked with Kylie Minogue last NYE at a charity disabled families event and many other pop types supported this occasion.   We had Rhianna, Tony Bennet, Toby Maguire (not sure what band he is in ! ),  I heard later that Jamie Foxx nearly made it.   1,000 disabled families - cancer, severe burns,autism, even one 2 yr old with diabetes, etc, all having just ONE night of fun courtesy of Sydney Council.  And, to top it off, One Direction visited too.   So maybe the good cause of the night brought out the best in everyone.  It was my bands 12th NYE for Syd.

As with most things, the difficulties and dramas (I had 3 days to write a dance tune for Kylie and arrange it for a 12 piece which later led to a manic admission !) can be surpassed with a little love and understanding.  When you see a dance floor with "normal" and "disabled" kids bopping to music (anything from pop, latin, blues, jazz, funk, etc, 95% of my own charts) your heart really goes out to those more unfortunate.   Plus there is no judgement from any parent in this situation.  They're just happy to be there.  Alive.   50% of the kids won't make it to the next NYE.

There are no barriers.     In keeping with Facetious's recent challenging comment "I defy anyone not to like U2" I would add "Life would be a mistake without music" which is an old quote that is too early in the morning to identify.

I've got a trip to San Francisco soon and I'm looking forward to the live music on Pier 69, overlooking the Bay.   A nice summers day, a good time, good food and all that can be the best thing.  Although in that scenario the ominous lurkinig of Alcatraz in the middle of the bay (and thus in the background to any open festivities) seems like a good representation of how depression is just around the corner, or, at the least, waiting out in the dark waters of our minds.

I seem to remember an attempt at positivity before in such a thread but it faltered fairly quickly.  Depression being all consuming sometimes. Good Luck.

Adios, David.

[Sheiknah]

HI One of Many,

I am suffering with depression myself at the moment so I'm not a friend/family member of someone with it but some things I'd like to hear or friends to do ..

I'm always here for you

Just my close friends/hubby or people that have been like parents to me call and ask "How are you doing? How are you feeling ?"

 Or to call up and say can I take you out eg today/tomorrow/ next wk somewhere nice?

"I would like to walk through this with you and help you work through your problems to see you recover and not get back to what you used to be but be even better than that "

Or when I reach out people actually having the time for me and not cutting the convo short or walking out etc etc