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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Nic_Nic Supporting my partner who refuses professional help
  • replies: 5

Hi, My long term boyfriend is suffering from depression and anxiety and has been for about 6-12 months. Until last night, I thought it was relatively mild but he has now admitted (via letter) that he has contemplated "ending it all" and thought about... View more

Hi, My long term boyfriend is suffering from depression and anxiety and has been for about 6-12 months. Until last night, I thought it was relatively mild but he has now admitted (via letter) that he has contemplated "ending it all" and thought about the letters he would write to people and what he would leave to everyone. I have been trying to get him to seek professional help for a while now and he refuses and thinks that they can't fix the problems, only drown them out for a while. No matter how much I try to explain how valuable this help is and how it could help his thought processes and coping mechanisms, he just won't go. He has visited this website, which is a plus and I guess taking that step to admitting his suicidal thoughts was a big step too. We currently are going through some relationship problems as well which I put down to his depression and feeling unhappy all the time. But now I'm wondering if our relationship is contributing to the depression and making him worse. I talked to him about this and he said he doesn't know how he is feeling about it all and doesn't know what he wants. Obviously I don't want to leave him if he's unwell, but I'm worried sick that I'm only making his depression worse. I want to stick by his side and help him through this so badly, but what if I'm making it worse?! I feel sick to my stomach about this and no matter what I do, I feel I'll be responsible for the outcome. I've made the decision to go to a GP tomorrow and discuss this and see what he suggests but has anyone been through a similar thing and can give me some advice? I'm completely lost!

LovingMum My daughter has anxiety and OCD
  • replies: 4

My 16yo daughter has suffered from anxiety since the onset of puberty. Some small OCD indicators have presented since that time, but you know, everyone has their "things" don't they? They like to use a certain fork, they like to make their bed just s... View more

My 16yo daughter has suffered from anxiety since the onset of puberty. Some small OCD indicators have presented since that time, but you know, everyone has their "things" don't they? They like to use a certain fork, they like to make their bed just so. So we didn't worry. Last year after a series of health problems it manifested as mild OCD. She had to wash her cutlery and crockery and used sanitiser somewhat obsessively. Or so we thought at the time. Compared to now, it seems pretty normal! Now she cleans her hands obsessively, showers at least 3 times a day, can only wear clothes once (even a coat or scarf) before washing. Everything has to be wiped with antibacterial wipes. Even the packet of wipes. She can't touch anyone and she can only touch us if we have changed from our outside clothes. Us being her parents and her beloved little brother. Her routines are elaborate, such as for going to bed, and any detour from them brings on panic attacks. Being at school is torture for her. She cannot hug her friends anymore or explain to them why. She can't sit down outside, so she stands all day, unable to eat properly, unable to join in chatting with her friends, leaving her exhausted at the end of the day. She is so consumed with the dirtyness of the classroom and trying to prevent a panic attack that she can barely concentrate on her lessons. I receive constant texts from her all day. She also worries about us as soon as we are out of her sight. I have to text her when I get to work so she knows I'm OK. THe last couple of days it has affected her eating. She doesn't know why but she feels bad about eating. She doesn't want to eat and when she does she feels bad. It's still another week until we get in to see her new psychologist. She won't go back to the old one, another inexplicable "thing", and she would only go and see one in the same building as her dentist, as she feels less anxious about that, being familiar with the building. She's so sick of it, it is exhausting, and she doesn't understand why she does it, and it embarrasses her. She is worried it's affecting us all and that makes her feel worse. I am exhausted too, emotionally it takes everything to keep her calm and to give her brother and father the attention they need. Her Dad is the typical male Mr Fix it and is frustrated and heartbroken that he can't fix this, guilty because the anxiety runs in his family (his Mum, his sister and niece all on meds). I'm stuck in the middle, trying to do the right thing for everyone and keep the peace and keep my daughter and the rest of us sane. The GP suggested yoga, st johns wort and exercise but she is afraid of anything that will stop her doing the "things" that lessen her anxiety so it's even thought she agrees she should do these things, and wants to, the OCD seems to stop her. Please, please if anyone has some tips on how to deal with this I would greatly appreciate it. Mostly, I just need others to talk to who know what we're going through. Tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel

Concerned_Daughter1 Support for Coping with a Parent with Mental Issues
  • replies: 2

Hi i am new to the pages and after a support forum for people dealing with parents with mental issues. Without pouring the whole story out my mum has recently had a relapse and tried to kill herself and only got help due to me begging her to get help... View more

Hi i am new to the pages and after a support forum for people dealing with parents with mental issues. Without pouring the whole story out my mum has recently had a relapse and tried to kill herself and only got help due to me begging her to get help. I am an adult child married with a child of my own. I am currently finding her extremely consuming and it's getting to the point where I don't enjoy being with her and I don't want to be like this as I treasure her. Hence this post as I'd love to connect with others in the same boat to get coping skills and de brief with someone who understands many thanks

Sarahkate Depression - where to go next?
  • replies: 0

I have a family member who we believe have been suffering depression for at least 2 years. They have tried self help but it is only getting worse. They have a lot of family members support but they will not seek professional help. They are now to the... View more

I have a family member who we believe have been suffering depression for at least 2 years. They have tried self help but it is only getting worse. They have a lot of family members support but they will not seek professional help. They are now to the point where they know they shouldn't feel this way but they are blaming all their problems on the world and society. This person is very much into the conspiracy of "chemtrails" and fluoride in water ect. So they believe that the world is a horrible place to live! Obviously they are feeling more and more like this due to the depression. how do we get them help? If they won't accept it what can we do? The parents cannot cope and it is putting a lot of pressure on the family. We just want them to be happy. Thanks

jodes76 child with depression
  • replies: 3

I have depression and anxiety in which I am on medication and have seen psych, am really starting to feel like im coping a lot better. however late last term my daughter was very unhappy at school. we have since moved her to another school as she is ... View more

I have depression and anxiety in which I am on medication and have seen psych, am really starting to feel like im coping a lot better. however late last term my daughter was very unhappy at school. we have since moved her to another school as she is happier there. recently my younger daughter was asked if that someone was being mean to her sister and that's why she left. I asked my daughter if this was true but she says its not. I am unsure what to do about it, because if it is true it explains more about why she was unhappy, she kept saying it was because she didn't have many friends. I really don't know what to think. my daughter is only 10 I don't want her to end up like me.

Annonymous How can i help my husband?
  • replies: 1

I don't know how to help my husband? I know that he is suffering from depression and anxiety but I don't know how to convince him that he needs to speak with someone. It is getting worse and worse and I am very worried about him and also now it is st... View more

I don't know how to help my husband? I know that he is suffering from depression and anxiety but I don't know how to convince him that he needs to speak with someone. It is getting worse and worse and I am very worried about him and also now it is starting to affect me and our 5 year old. He thinks that the whole world is against him! He says many times a day 'I hate my life'. He hates his job, hates everyone he works with. Nothing makes him happy. He says he wants to move to the country and get a job fishing. I know that wont make him happy though, maybe for a little while! And I certainly don't want to move away and be out of my comfort zone without my family and job to keep my sane! I always say he wouldn't be happy even if he won a million dollars and never had to work a day in his life again! He is just that kind of person that always has something to complain about! Over the weekend he had a fight with his best friend and hates him too! Doesn't ever want to seem him again and from what I can gather from the conversation, it was only a difference of opinion, not something that should break up a friendship. He has said that we would be better off without him! I told him know that is not true. We love you very much and need you and just want you to be happy again. He also has OCD (not diagnosed), which he has kind of admitted but just calls it a 'little quirk' and that is getting out of control now too. He collapsed last year, had to call him an ambulance. He was unconscious. They ran tests on his heart and brain and of course, like I thought, they all came back clear! I know that he collapsed because of stress! The doctors we have seen say no it was not stress, but he just tells them he is a stressful person normally. They don't see how he reacts to the smallest little thing! I am constantly walking on eggshells! I feel like I have lost the husband I married. (nearly 10 years!) He is never happy. I believe he drinks too much but of course when I mention it, that causes an argument. His mother was an alchoholic so 'I know what an alchoholic is!' I don't necessarily mean he is an alchoholic, I just think that he drinks too much. He also doesn't eat particularly well and has a lot of trouble sleeping. When we argue, it is always me that is the problem but I know that it is not! I'm trying to stay strong but it is really wearing me down. He can be completely fine and then a short time later it is like there is another person there and he is really upset. He thinks the best thing is to 'run away'. He has said often that he wants to off himself but has also told me he doesn't have the guts to do so! This is a bit of a relief but not much. I'm constantly worried about him and I don't know what else to do. He has lost so many friends (of course it is always their fault though!) I'm almost at the point now where I cant handle It anymore. I have said to him if he cant speak to someone for his own sake, to do it for myself and our son, but he just says we would be better off without him! How can I get him to see someone? I know it all stems from his terrible childhood. Please help me! I am getting desperate. I love him very much but I really don't know how to help him.

Bambam Help me.. Please!
  • replies: 5

I dont really know what i'm doing... But i think i really need some help. Starting this is really overwhelming. I dont know what exactly to say.... I am feeling like ending my life "what the hell am i doing??!" So i scrolled through my phone contacts... View more

I dont really know what i'm doing... But i think i really need some help. Starting this is really overwhelming. I dont know what exactly to say.... I am feeling like ending my life "what the hell am i doing??!" So i scrolled through my phone contacts searching for a singular person i could contact that could listen and i couldnt find one. i've lost everyone. My mum doesn't talk to me. I have no dad. I cannot escape my abusive and persistent ex boyfriend of six years. I literally have lost or pushed away anyone left, and there's a list. believe me. I am so afraid. I have been trying so hard to convince myself to stay. but all i have is my studies. i study psychology.. ironic, huh.... i guess everyone struggles.... But It isn't enough. Im intelligent. I get distinctions fairly consistently. I hardly study though. But i need more. I just don't think it's worth it... I guess the hardest part of recovery, is when you aren't so sure you want to. But i did. I tried so hard after i got out of hospital last year. I tried so goddamn hard! I was such a nice girl too.. Really. I was so sweet, so goddamn innocent. So naive. It's just becoming more and more apparent to me that life is this ridiculous labrynth... and you spend your entire life trying to escape. i dont really want that. i mean, i look at my mum. she's a single mum with a six year old kid. (she'd be too young to understand anyway).... and i think.. my god what are you doing. she is so unhappy with her life. but she keeps going. she wakes up at 4am. gets up and gets my sister ready, takes her to school by 7. goes to work. works like 9hours. comes home, cleans, makes dinner, gets my sister ready for bed and for school the next day. then she eats and goes to bed. wakes up and repeats. i cannot even comprehend it. if my life is going to be like that, why bother. i mean, i'm not the suicidal type. but you know, if a truck was coming straight for me... i wouldn't be too eager to jump out the way. i just really can't see myself waking up tomorrow morning. i just can't. I feel like there's no point writing this.. people will suggest all these things.. i mean, sure. i study it. i get it. i totally get it. I just know too much....... That's why. What do you really get out of life, seriously? You live, you die. What a waste.

The_Real_David_Charles Which comes first ? Alcholism or Depression (or cheese biscuits) ?
  • replies: 19

I'm long term bipolar and am currently supporting a depressive son. There is no support from my O/S family. But they are well supported to the point of addiction by alcohol. Many a contact ends in drunken tirade or judgement calls. But none of these ... View more

I'm long term bipolar and am currently supporting a depressive son. There is no support from my O/S family. But they are well supported to the point of addiction by alcohol. Many a contact ends in drunken tirade or judgement calls. But none of these family members have been diagnosed with depression or other mental health issues (apart from being English). Is it a complete waste of time to deal with such difficult relatives ? I've had 3 previous suicide attempts so don't feel such abuse bodes well for my own health, which is actually OK at present. Stress triggers the crap out of us, so to speak. Is there a way of keeping in with my loser English relatives whilst maintaining a calm and healthy support to my Aussie family ? Adios, David. PS Am I jumping the gun to think that the alcohol in this situation is masking what was a very abusive childhood, emotionally and physically for all my brothers and sister ? Is this there way of "connecting" with hard times ? Can I have the cheese biscuits now ?

S_A_D_ Pain, Confused, Enraged, Tortured, Despairing, Begging, NEED OPTIONS!
  • replies: 16

I am in pain. It hurts so much. I feel very tense, the muscles all over my body are spasming and convulsing. I am angry at the person who hurt me, and also feel very threatened by them. I am sure they will hurt me again. They are cruel to a psychopat... View more

I am in pain. It hurts so much. I feel very tense, the muscles all over my body are spasming and convulsing. I am angry at the person who hurt me, and also feel very threatened by them. I am sure they will hurt me again. They are cruel to a psychopathological level, and are well practiced at concealing their cruelty with the appearance of kindness, generosity, empathy, sympathy, and compassion. They are very experienced at manipulating people into doing what they want. They lie, cheat, steal, and anything else they can be sure, from experience, will help them achieve their goal without getting caught and punished. They have established strong relationships with very high ranking law enforcement officials to get out of any sticky situation. They use this power immorally to "play God", manipulating people into giving them more power, much like a global corporation has a pathological persuit for profit and power. This person is EVIL. They have the resources to track me down wherever I go, so there is nowhere to escape to. There is no safe haven. I am, and always will be, continuously watched. As their power and influence grows, they become gradually bolder and overt with their cruelty, and more confident they are untouchable. They are a storm growing all around me, and will continue to grow until the imbalance that created them is corrected. They are a significant and immenent threat to everyone caught in the storm, and everyone in the path of the storm. They found me the last 2 times I cut off contact with all humans everywhere, and disposed of all electronics. I walked away from modern life, and lived in a tent in the middle of an area of state forest for an unknown period, but I couldn't get away from them. They stuck me in hospital again, where I received more brainwashing under the guise of therapy. In the past, my attempts to fight back have been not just ineffective, but usually backfire. If I throw a kilo of manure at them, they throw 5 kilos back at me. You'd think this would give me 5 kilos worth of ammo to throw back, but it's kinda hard to throw when you're drowning and choking on the sticky mess. I've never tried to kill or seriously injure anyone, and I sense most people will discourage this kind of action. I have also tried shutting down, and basically surrendering to them in a "do your worst" kind of attitude, but they have a way of getting under my skin, pushing my emotional buttons, and triggering a full rage experience which they then say is "... for fun. We're just kidding around, you know that right. You don't have to go off the handle at me for making a joke." I assume everyone here knows about the fight or flight response. There is a third: Freeze, mentioned above, when we hide inside ourselves. I've tried it all, and this person has a counter strategy for everything I've been able to come up with. There is nowhere to hide, inside myself or in the world, and fighting back makes everything hurt more. I am seeking help. I'm looking for any strategy that has ever worked against a ruthless and powerful authoritarian tyrant. I am begging for any method of acquiring peace from this person. The person I have described accurately represents not one but MANY people in my life. Several. numerous. A multitude. They're all sucking the life out of me, and there is no escape. Some of them work together against me, each one powerful in their own right, but in a temporary alliance there is no hope. I feel so weak, tired, stretched, all the time. I can't fight on 2 fronts at once, let alone dozens. I lack the coordination and multitasking skills for simultaneous conflict against several aggressors. I welcome death with open arms. I have had parties hoping it would attend. I have made many attempts at making it's acquaintance in spectacular fashion, but something always happens to prevent me. I don't understand this fear of death so many seem to have. Does that make me suitable for an employment position as an undertaker? I'm not trying anything drastic at any time in the near future though. My university course is interesting enough for now. I will still welcome death should it appear, but I'm not going to go looking for it for a while, unless there is another major trigger event to push me over the edge. No, I don't mean like low grades or the cafeteria being sold out of my favourite flavour of yogurt. I mean like another incident of "joking around" (torturous bullying) in a way that is so harmful to me I instinctively start looking for a weapon to defend myself with until I again realise self-defence against these types of tormentors is a futile endeavour. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

armywife How do I stop him from ending our marriage?
  • replies: 7

Sorry for long story but dont know how to shorten it.... My husband & I have been together for 14 years, he is in the Army and is in the middle of his 3rd deployment to the Middle East. we have 3 young children. He has been gone for over 7 mths and w... View more

Sorry for long story but dont know how to shorten it.... My husband & I have been together for 14 years, he is in the Army and is in the middle of his 3rd deployment to the Middle East. we have 3 young children. He has been gone for over 7 mths and we have about 6 weeks until this deployment is finished. He has never been diagnosed with PTSD or depression but after spending the last week with him whilst he was home on leave there is something going on. He has certainly seen enough stuff overseas to trigger PTSD. He took an online test and came out as red - see a Dr. We have a strong marriage, it has had its ups & down mainly due to pressure of military life but we have always had counselling & come out stronger. He was home about 3 mths ago & everything was fine. Then he comes home last week, he has lost about 8kgs, he is quiet, withdrawn and moody. He sits me down a few nights ago & says he doesn't feel any connection to me anymore, loves me but not "in love" with me. I was gutted, i asked if he was suffering depression. He agrees he might be , he admitted that he doesn't even enjoy riding his motor bike anymore. He said he feels very unsure about everything in his life. He said he will see a Dr when he gets home and come to counselling but then in the next breath says that i need to be prepared that nothing will change after that. I think he has already made up his mind that our marriage is over but he has not even given it a chance, hell we are not even in the same country for another 6 weeks now. He flew back yesterday & i know he is going to spend the next 6 weeks thinking all about the negative stuff that he has obviously dwelled on all year. I do believe that he will come home & get help but how do i get him to not make any decisions or write off our marriage too soon? Is it possible that the depression has caused him to lose his connection to me? Will those feelings come back if he gets help or am i getting my hopes up????? I am soooooooooo sad & lost. He is the love of my life & i have supported his army career through everything it has thrown at us & now i feel like that is worth nothing. I want to support him but am so scared of being hurt again. I am staying put for the kids & the hope he will get help but i worried he has already made up his mind.