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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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kellie70 Being a teenager's Mum
  • replies: 17

Hi everyone, I have mild depression and anxiety. It comes in waves. This week it has enveloped me in it's cloud. For years, I have just let it wash over, tried to ignore it, and that seemed to work. My son is now 15. And I am having the "normal" issu... View more

Hi everyone, I have mild depression and anxiety. It comes in waves. This week it has enveloped me in it's cloud. For years, I have just let it wash over, tried to ignore it, and that seemed to work. My son is now 15. And I am having the "normal" issues with being the Mum of a teen, the attitude from him etc. My friends all say he is acting like a "normal" teen, and they all have the same issues with their children. My question is, how do I know if he is being "naughtier" than other teens, or if I am just reacting worse than other Mums due to my own demons? I am having trouble knowing how hard to discipline him, as I am finding it a bit blurred as to whether I am being more sensitive due to my demons, or whether he is being naughtier than a "normal" teen Does that make sense? Any advice would help. Any stories of your own would help Thanks

Pixie15 I am afraid of sharing my fear
  • replies: 6

Hi, I am tired of sleepless nights and I do not know what to do. A few years back I pushed my partner into seeking help for his mental state by threatening to leave him if he did not see a doctor. He saw a doctor and is on a medication for depression... View more

Hi, I am tired of sleepless nights and I do not know what to do. A few years back I pushed my partner into seeking help for his mental state by threatening to leave him if he did not see a doctor. He saw a doctor and is on a medication for depression but I am not sure that his condition has been properly diagnosed and he is unwilling to seek any additional help. He can be very angry and bitter with me. I want to continue to support him but I have lost trust and am even quite fearful of him. I do not know if my fear is reasonable or just a feature of my own stress responses. When there are reports in the media of women being abused by their partners it seems to heighten my concern. When I raised the issue with my doctor she said that if I was really fearful she would have to report it. I do not really know who she was going to report to and what the consequences may be. It may be an irrational fear and I do not want an irrational fear to be escalated into a life destroying event for every one concerned. I am seeing a psychologist for help in dealing with my stress but am unsure whether to raise this issue because they also have some mandatory reporting obligations. I would appreciate any insights anybody might have. Chris.

Beth_t Depressed best friend.
  • replies: 6

Hi, firstly I'll start off by saying I'm 18 years and currently in year 12 doing my VCE. I am not depressed, but someone I'm really close to is, so here goes. So, in 2010 I was in year 9 and started talking to a guy towards the end of the year. I lat... View more

Hi, firstly I'll start off by saying I'm 18 years and currently in year 12 doing my VCE. I am not depressed, but someone I'm really close to is, so here goes. So, in 2010 I was in year 9 and started talking to a guy towards the end of the year. I later discover was depressed but had not told anyone. First of all we talked about non meaningful things like what we did on the weekend, how much we liked school etc. Anyway a few months in and things started getting a bit more serious with his depression and as I started to like him as more than a friend I began to get worried. It was then the end of year holidays and he still talked to me but tried to avoid anything to do with talking about depression. When school got back he was kinda different, it was around March that his depression got worse he still hasn't told anyone about it apart from myself and another girl. He began self harming and eventually was scaring me by saying that he wanted to die and hated himself, I knew he had told me that he didn't want anyone else to know but I was worried for his safety so I told the school nurse, who told his mum and he went to the doctors and started getting the help he needed and began taking medication. He started liking me as more than a friend back and we began going out in May of 2011 and broke up in August. We worked things out and began dating again in October and he had been fine ever since until a month ago. Around a couple of weeks before his birthday, which was May the 18th he began feeling depressed again. He started fighting with me and telling me to 'find someone better' and that 'I don't need him'. Of course I argued back saying that I loved him and needed him. He began self harming again and did not tell anyone. He started to get worse and the fighting between us became more frequent and through this he started talking to another girl in our year and did not tell me and I found out by seeing his messages to her on her phone. I became angry and frustrated at this and was jealous thinking he liked her although he said he didn't. It was then his birthday and I thought everything was fine, we were In love and had kinda stopped fighting. He then became even more down on himself and all the depressive thoughts really kicked in. He started to push me away and began saying once again that 'I didn't need him' and to 'find someone better' but he then started saying that I didn't love him. He kept arguing and never told anyone how bad he was this time. On the Wednesday the 29th of May, two days after our 17th month anniversary he dumped me. Before he did it he kept telling me to dump him, so I told him if he wanted to break up he would have to do it. Not thinking he would do it, he then dumped me. At the time i dont think he was thinking straight and just did it not realising the consequences. I was heartbroken, this guy was my best friend and I was in love with him, he had told me he wouldn't leave me and he did. For the past few weeks I have been a mess, not only because he has broken up with me but because he has completely changed, he is so much more worse with his depression than last time, they have changed his medication to something much stronger and it still hasn't had an effect on him. I seriously miss him more than anything and would do anything in my power to get him back. Although he did say to the psychiatrist that he most likely broke up with me because of his depression. He says he doesn't feel any love towards anyone and doesn't think he will get better this time round. He also says he cant find his heart because his thoughts and brain is too strong. I guess what I really want to know is, whether anyone could try and explain to me how he would feel towards the people he loves right now? Will the person I fell in love with get his feeling back for me once he has recovered or will he completely change and never feel the same way again Please the people who have gone through this please help me out, I'm lost without him and he's pushed me so far away that there is little hope that he will ever love me or want to be with me again. Thanks so much!

Em_22 Unsure of the next step...
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I am new to this whole thing so I'm hoping everyone can bare with me. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, we have known each other for a much longer time, we have lived together for about six months. I still stand by that my boy... View more

Hi there, I am new to this whole thing so I'm hoping everyone can bare with me. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, we have known each other for a much longer time, we have lived together for about six months. I still stand by that my boyfriend is the most kind person I have ever met, however I know he has a bit of a past, and is incredibly prone to these anger fits, not aimed at me, but at himself, to the point he starts smacking his head against walls etc. he picks fights with me over nothing, then goes crazy at himself, once again, these fits are never aimed at me. Last night it was over something as trivial as the tv show we were watching, said it made him scared I was going to cheat on him. He suffers ridiculous paranoia over us and he cannot go more than a few hours without me. If I'm at work and he's at home by himself, he falls into deep depression and drinks until he passes out. He cannot be alone. His family has a strong history of manic depression, and he will openly admit he is depressed. Before we dated he was constantly intoxicated or on drugs, and I'm guessing this is the first time he has actually had to deal with things and it's all coming out. I have suffered sever depression, anxiety and suicide attempts earlier, I know what he is going through, but I cannot help him myself, I don't know what the next step is here. His paranoia is getting very extreme and his anger fits are becoming increasingly commen and his depression is deepening. I've asked him to seek help but he said the only thing he was going to do would be to get anti depressants from a doctor, but now, he even refuses to go to the appointments. I know his best bet would be to find a therapist, but financially it would be a strain, and I don't even know how I'd get him there. I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I guess just some help, or guidance of where I go to now. I'm exhausted trying to look after both of us and I know if it keeps going like this I'm going to get worse or relapse. I'm at a loss, and I'm tired. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

CHE Learner's Licence
  • replies: 3

I have a generalised anxiety disorder, my Mother has gained strength with her mental illness watching me go to counseling for the last couple of years and slowly pushing myself to recover. I've found in my family because she was diagnosed with Schizo... View more

I have a generalised anxiety disorder, my Mother has gained strength with her mental illness watching me go to counseling for the last couple of years and slowly pushing myself to recover. I've found in my family because she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia she's been greatly mistreated - so from a young age I fully defended her and became her biggest cheerleader. I couldn't understand how people could mistreat someone who is sick like she is worthless. She has spoken to me about getting her learner's, I am all excited for her saying why not start studying and then we can speak with the doctors about getting you signed off. When I shared this with other family members immediate negativity and pessimistic responses like "what's the point?" "she shouldn't even bother". Which okay I get there's rules, restrictions, guidelines for the health and safety of herself and other drivers. But let's find out and why not rejoice in the fact that she's even putting self worth in herself to want to try to achieve something? Let's see where she fits in the equation!? So my question is does anybody know - what steps I'd need to take to make this happen or even who I should be speaking to about this? Has anybody else with a similar medical condition scenario been through the whole having to get your license situation. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Dudeman_Jim The phone
  • replies: 5

My wife recently attempted suicide, due to overwhelming work-related stress. She was diagnosed with severe depression but since then has been actively seeking medical assistance and treatment, and is well on the road to recovery. It has been a trauma... View more

My wife recently attempted suicide, due to overwhelming work-related stress. She was diagnosed with severe depression but since then has been actively seeking medical assistance and treatment, and is well on the road to recovery. It has been a traumatic time for both of us but I have been really proud of the way she has been trying to get her life back on track. There is just one thing, though, that is troubling me and it is becoming an increasing problem to not only myself but to family and friends as well - she refuses to pick up and answer the phone whenever it rings. At first I thought, okay, she's a little embarrassed about what happened and isn't ready to talk to people yet. She talks openly with medical professionals about what happened while in consultation, so nothing to worry about. But the phone issue is becoming worse. If I work late and call home to let her know I'm running late, it always goes to voicemail - even though I know she's home and screening calls. Even though she had assured me she will never attempt anything again, there is always this sick feeling in my gut knowing I cannot get through to her, even when I know she's home. i even have to relate how she's going to her parents because she refuses to talk to them on then phone. Her mobile phone rang the other day and she didn't answer it because it was a blocked number. We had a major argument because I later found it was her doctor wanting to check up on her, to see how her recovery was going. Up until now I've been the one helping make appointments for her, occasionally calling in sick to her work on her behalf, things like that. I am scared that if I keep pushing her to pick up the phone more, it may undo all the great work she has been doing to help herself. What should I do?

David3088 Teenage anxiety
  • replies: 3

Hi, I am writing asking for help for my son. He is almost 17 years old, he has always been a shy boy, but over the last 9 months he has stopped all outside activities, and now we cannot even get him to school. His as seen two psychologist's, neither ... View more

Hi, I am writing asking for help for my son. He is almost 17 years old, he has always been a shy boy, but over the last 9 months he has stopped all outside activities, and now we cannot even get him to school. His as seen two psychologist's, neither have been able to get through to him. The school is understanding but that's all. What should I do,? Do I Let him stay at home in his room all day until he "wants" to engage. He has only a couple of friends, but they never come to our house. He wants to get better, but he won't talk to people, including me. Its tearing my heart out to see him like this, but I have to go to work and leave him. What should I do.?

Punungy How to help a mother with depression who lives 4 hours away?
  • replies: 3

Hello, Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for ... View more

Hello, Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for as long as I remember and I never knew how to support her, especially as a child. I knew she had depression but she got me very angry when she would not see how I wanted to be there for her. She would attack me emotionally and she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most (wedding, throughout my pregnancy and now that Ive become a mother myself). She shut me out of her life and I shut her out of mine because I needed to protect myself from getting hurt over and over again. I was an emotional wreck when I was in contact with her and this affected my relationship with my husband to be at the time. When I cut off all contact with her I felt free, happier and able to move forward with my life more confidently. Is this a selfish thing to say? I am now happily married and have a 2 yr old son. Ever since meeting my husband my mother has never shown any happiness for my situation. My mother thinks that because she had a miserable life then I dont have the right to be happy. She has made many comments that have made me think this. Is this normal for a mother who is depressed to think like this? My mother recently contacted me and asked for my forgiveness. In this phone call she said that she is taking medication to help her liver (she was unclear), she has a cyst or something on top of her bladder and a disease on her spine. She has always had back problems and complained about tiredness, sleep apnea and pain. For as long as I could remember my mother was never social (her sisters and brothers) and she could never form friendships. She has always told me growing up that she had a horrible childhood, terrribe marriage with my father (they have been divorced for nearly 8 years) her relationship with my older brother and sister is on and off and she has isolated herself by living 4 hours away from her children and her sisters and brothers. She said she has come off her medication for depression and is now on a benzodiazepine medication. What does this mean? I want to try to help my mother again but how do I do this when she lives 4 hours away? Is it possible? and how do I prevent myself from becoming an emotional wreck or hurt? I need to be strong for my husband and son. I want to protect myself from anything negative. Growing up was negative enough for me with a depressed mother and parents who fought constantly. I dont want to repeat what my mother has become for the sake of my husband and son. Thanks for reading my post.

Trine My Fiance'
  • replies: 5

Hi my name is Kat and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel my wedding, my fiance has had a mental breakdown, my wonderful supportive engaging fiance' left on a work trip interstate 5 weeks ago and returned to Adelaide 3 weeks ago but ha... View more

Hi my name is Kat and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel my wedding, my fiance has had a mental breakdown, my wonderful supportive engaging fiance' left on a work trip interstate 5 weeks ago and returned to Adelaide 3 weeks ago but hasn't come home, I know that he's safe, I am stunned, angry, shattered, we were getting married in 4 weeks. We haven't seen each other since he's been back, we text daily but his mood flucuates he swings from anger to tears he's not sleeping, he says that he trys everyday to come home, he is seeking help, but his therapist recommends that he be on his own to sort his issues out Is this a normal treatment plan??? I don't know...... we have been together for 5 years, living together for the past 2.5 yrs and been engaged for about 18 months. I just don't know what to do, I'm trying to understand and be supportive but I end up getting really angry. he tells me that he loves me but doesn't want me to see him in such a state, He's has a history of depression and until now I never saw it

Mickey Sad husband
  • replies: 1

Hi, I've only just joined BB today. My darling husband of 13 years was dealt a workplace injury a few years back which has resulted in severe physical pain, lack of support from his workplace and eventually depression. I have until recently felt that... View more

Hi, I've only just joined BB today. My darling husband of 13 years was dealt a workplace injury a few years back which has resulted in severe physical pain, lack of support from his workplace and eventually depression. I have until recently felt that I was holding the pieces together and keeping him safe and happy. His manager decided to blow off some of her own problems and anxieties directly onto my husband a week ago. Whilst in tears she persisted in barraging him with all of her viciousness at the top of her voice even when he asked her to stop. As a result he has been having extreme anxiety attacks, cannot sleep and very emotional. He's unraveling before me. Our wonderful and supportive GP has made some changes to medication which seems to be helping and given him some time off work, but he has to go back eventually. Anyone got any good advice how I can 'prep' him to deal with facing his manager, and no doubt resentful and 'bully schoolboy' peers due to his time off? He is feeling worthless and belittled.