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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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David3088 Teenage anxiety
  • replies: 3

Hi, I am writing asking for help for my son. He is almost 17 years old, he has always been a shy boy, but over the last 9 months he has stopped all outside activities, and now we cannot even get him to school. His as seen two psychologist's, neither ... View more

Hi, I am writing asking for help for my son. He is almost 17 years old, he has always been a shy boy, but over the last 9 months he has stopped all outside activities, and now we cannot even get him to school. His as seen two psychologist's, neither have been able to get through to him. The school is understanding but that's all. What should I do,? Do I Let him stay at home in his room all day until he "wants" to engage. He has only a couple of friends, but they never come to our house. He wants to get better, but he won't talk to people, including me. Its tearing my heart out to see him like this, but I have to go to work and leave him. What should I do.?

Punungy How to help a mother with depression who lives 4 hours away?
  • replies: 3

Hello, Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for ... View more

Hello, Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for as long as I remember and I never knew how to support her, especially as a child. I knew she had depression but she got me very angry when she would not see how I wanted to be there for her. She would attack me emotionally and she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most (wedding, throughout my pregnancy and now that Ive become a mother myself). She shut me out of her life and I shut her out of mine because I needed to protect myself from getting hurt over and over again. I was an emotional wreck when I was in contact with her and this affected my relationship with my husband to be at the time. When I cut off all contact with her I felt free, happier and able to move forward with my life more confidently. Is this a selfish thing to say? I am now happily married and have a 2 yr old son. Ever since meeting my husband my mother has never shown any happiness for my situation. My mother thinks that because she had a miserable life then I dont have the right to be happy. She has made many comments that have made me think this. Is this normal for a mother who is depressed to think like this? My mother recently contacted me and asked for my forgiveness. In this phone call she said that she is taking medication to help her liver (she was unclear), she has a cyst or something on top of her bladder and a disease on her spine. She has always had back problems and complained about tiredness, sleep apnea and pain. For as long as I could remember my mother was never social (her sisters and brothers) and she could never form friendships. She has always told me growing up that she had a horrible childhood, terrribe marriage with my father (they have been divorced for nearly 8 years) her relationship with my older brother and sister is on and off and she has isolated herself by living 4 hours away from her children and her sisters and brothers. She said she has come off her medication for depression and is now on a benzodiazepine medication. What does this mean? I want to try to help my mother again but how do I do this when she lives 4 hours away? Is it possible? and how do I prevent myself from becoming an emotional wreck or hurt? I need to be strong for my husband and son. I want to protect myself from anything negative. Growing up was negative enough for me with a depressed mother and parents who fought constantly. I dont want to repeat what my mother has become for the sake of my husband and son. Thanks for reading my post.

Trine My Fiance'
  • replies: 5

Hi my name is Kat and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel my wedding, my fiance has had a mental breakdown, my wonderful supportive engaging fiance' left on a work trip interstate 5 weeks ago and returned to Adelaide 3 weeks ago but ha... View more

Hi my name is Kat and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel my wedding, my fiance has had a mental breakdown, my wonderful supportive engaging fiance' left on a work trip interstate 5 weeks ago and returned to Adelaide 3 weeks ago but hasn't come home, I know that he's safe, I am stunned, angry, shattered, we were getting married in 4 weeks. We haven't seen each other since he's been back, we text daily but his mood flucuates he swings from anger to tears he's not sleeping, he says that he trys everyday to come home, he is seeking help, but his therapist recommends that he be on his own to sort his issues out Is this a normal treatment plan??? I don't know...... we have been together for 5 years, living together for the past 2.5 yrs and been engaged for about 18 months. I just don't know what to do, I'm trying to understand and be supportive but I end up getting really angry. he tells me that he loves me but doesn't want me to see him in such a state, He's has a history of depression and until now I never saw it

Mickey Sad husband
  • replies: 1

Hi, I've only just joined BB today. My darling husband of 13 years was dealt a workplace injury a few years back which has resulted in severe physical pain, lack of support from his workplace and eventually depression. I have until recently felt that... View more

Hi, I've only just joined BB today. My darling husband of 13 years was dealt a workplace injury a few years back which has resulted in severe physical pain, lack of support from his workplace and eventually depression. I have until recently felt that I was holding the pieces together and keeping him safe and happy. His manager decided to blow off some of her own problems and anxieties directly onto my husband a week ago. Whilst in tears she persisted in barraging him with all of her viciousness at the top of her voice even when he asked her to stop. As a result he has been having extreme anxiety attacks, cannot sleep and very emotional. He's unraveling before me. Our wonderful and supportive GP has made some changes to medication which seems to be helping and given him some time off work, but he has to go back eventually. Anyone got any good advice how I can 'prep' him to deal with facing his manager, and no doubt resentful and 'bully schoolboy' peers due to his time off? He is feeling worthless and belittled.

Nellie My Teenager wants to kill herself
  • replies: 5

My sixteen year old daughter has just (only just) survived an attempt to kill herself . Physically, she us out of the woods but mentally/emotionally we have a long road ahead. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and begin chemotherapy in two day... View more

My sixteen year old daughter has just (only just) survived an attempt to kill herself . Physically, she us out of the woods but mentally/emotionally we have a long road ahead. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and begin chemotherapy in two days time. My treatment will continue for six months and I just hope I am strong enough to support her. I'm not sure where I am going with this but I am just so worried. I am so worried about her. As a mother, you just want your kids to be happy and to think that she is so miserable that she wants to end her life is the worst. I know that she is ill but I cannot help feeling responsible for this outcome and how can I live knowing that she could try this again? I am worried about her younger brother; should I tell him the truth about what's happened? And I am worried about my gorgeous husband who found his father after he committed suicide 45 years ago and who is desperately trying to be strong and hold this family together. Finally I am worried that if this cancer beats me; no I can't even go there! Like I said, I don't know where I'm going with this but would appreciate any advice. Thx

Sonia How do I get my husband to seek help?
  • replies: 5

Hi, I'm new to this website and forum but I felt i had to find somewhere to turn for advice. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and married for 3.5 of those years. The first few years of our relationship were great. Fairly soon after we w... View more

Hi, I'm new to this website and forum but I felt i had to find somewhere to turn for advice. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and married for 3.5 of those years. The first few years of our relationship were great. Fairly soon after we were married, my husband changed. He hasn't had a steady job for the last 3.5years and any job he has held has been because a family friend has offered it to him. He hasn't been working for almost a year now. I have asked him to find work as I need his support financially, he tells me he is looking for work but I know he lies to me about it. When I tackle him on his lies, he shuts down. He used to be a mad sportsman but stopped playing sport just before we got married and he has no inclination to go back. He is at home all day and doesn't do anything round the house unless I keep asking. He doesn't have any passion or ambition for anything. in the past, I have asked him to leave but he won't. I believe I have tried everything to get him to work and think about our future but nothing seems to work. I have been to see a counsellor on my own as I'm not coping. This helped for alittle while but not anymore as my husband is not committed to making changes. All of my family live in the UK, his family are dysfunctional and I don't really feel they are supportive and most of my friends are mutual friends of ours so very hard to talk to them. I finally arranged a couples counselling session and he did come along but he wasn't happy about it. I suppose I have now come to the conclusion that he is suffering from depression and anxiety. He needs help but I don't know how to get him to get help. I have previously mentioned to him that he needs to talk to someone and he says he will but never does. I know forcing him into something won't work either. Any ideas on how I get him to seek help?

The_Real_David_Charles A brief guide to partners questions regarding depression and how to ride a bike
  • replies: 1

Dear BB, Only 26 years of mental health experience has gone into this thread so if I've missed anything I apologise. I'm selecting these 10 questions from partners of depressed people from about 1,000 I've read with my 2 years responding. Feel free t... View more

Dear BB, Only 26 years of mental health experience has gone into this thread so if I've missed anything I apologise. I'm selecting these 10 questions from partners of depressed people from about 1,000 I've read with my 2 years responding. Feel free to add to the list if you like adding to lists or feel a bit confronted by the simplicity of the answers. Just saying. Q1: Why is my partner unmotivated, isolated and withdrawn from the family ? A1: Depression, i.e. sick Q2: Why can't my partner take some responsibility and sort himself/herself out ? A2: Depression, i.e. sick Q3: Why can't we go out to the movies and do things like we used to ? A3: Depression, i.e. sick Q4: Why do I have to do all the kids drops and pick ups ? A4: Depression, i.e. sick Q5: Why doesn't our sex life shred the sheets like it used to ? A5: Depression, i.e. sick Q6: Why do I feel like the enemy or the one to blame ? A6: Depression, i.e. sick Q7: Why does our extended family avoid us ? A7: Depression, i.e. sick Q8: Why, with the job loss/redundancy or Centrlink are thing so terrible ? A8: Depression, i.e. sick Q9: Why did David Charles make this brief guide ? A9: Depression/Mania, i.e. fully sick Q10: So what has the analogy with riding a bike go to do with it ? A10: Depression = riding a bike, i.e. a familiar journey CONCLUSION: I hope that clears a few things up. If a partner can't accept that Depression is a valid and life sucking illness to be treated with empathy and support then I think it's all about the partner rather than the sick person. Getting frustrated with a depressed partner, telling them to "snap out of it", being bossy because you are "sick" of it (the irony !) probably won't help in the long term. But in the short term it's a bit like kicking the cat. Only a cat has 9 lives, isn't on meds and looks cute. Adios, David. PS I'm trialling a year without the internet so wish me luck. Who knows, it will be like having my mine pumped. I'm aware some partners of depressed people won't accept this black and white position.

Little_Ted Senior depression, and dementia?
  • replies: 3

Hi All .. this may be a little different. My Dad was laid off, twice, about 2-3 years ago because of memory problems. He ended up taking an early (somewhat forced) retirement. It was about 6-12 months after this we first noticed the signs something e... View more

Hi All .. this may be a little different. My Dad was laid off, twice, about 2-3 years ago because of memory problems. He ended up taking an early (somewhat forced) retirement. It was about 6-12 months after this we first noticed the signs something else was wrong - he stopped doing regular activities in favour of staying at home, was overly sensitive or took things the wrong way, lost a lot of weight, started to become quite tight (money wise) and talking about doing things but never committing. It all came to a head 2 years ago when he self-diagnosed himself via Google and was convinced he was going to die in the immediate future. Dad had self-admitted himself 3 nights in a row, only to be tested, checked and sent on his way. We finally got someone with some common sense and Dad was admitted to see the psych the next day, which he did. But after being confronted with questions about his childhood, father issues etc he promptly checked himself out. Dad did end up seeing his regular GP who diagnosed him with depression. Dad did end up seeing his regular GP who diagnosed him with depression. Two years on and we've had ups and downs, Dad regularly goes on and off medication. In between this the memory problems have worsened, he's lost friends and has further isolated himself as a result. Today he hit another low and admitted that he has 'given up' and doesn't know what is happening half the time, and that most days he just sits at home alone bored. Thankfully he's finally agreed to go back to his Doctor in regards to the depression. Now don't think we've sat silently by while dear old Dad has been going through all of this! Problem is, he often hides how he is feeling until he is feeling really low and can't keep it in anymore. We've been there with him the whole way and tried to help in a variety of different ways, both emotionally and constructively (for example trying to help with finding information, remembering passwords etc). We've tried to come up with ideas on activities out of the house like Men's Sheds, walking groups, joining another sporting club etc so far they all seem like great ideas, but he won't try them. My sister and I actually went to see his GP alone to raise some concerns, which was helpful, however the GP didn't know about any of the memory problems, and didn't seem to think the problems were linked, except that the depression could be causing memory loss (which it could). My concern is it might be the other way around. If I was my Dad and I couldn't remember the names of the people and places I had known for thirty years, I would start to feel pretty bloody anxious, depressed and start to withdraw as well! I think my Dad has always had somekind of depressive illness and it is in the family, but we also have dementia in our family. So, I guess in a really really long way, I'm asking for advice, not mentioned above, on helping my Dad through this time in his life. And also, if anyone has any ideas/experience on how to get help regarding the diagnosis or non-diagnosis of the memory problems, we'd love to know! So far all we've been told from multiple sources is that we need a referral from his GP to get him into see someone, and well, that doesn't seem to be happening. Yes, we've tried the alzhiemers/dementia websites, but most of the info there is for carers of already diagnosed people. If it helps, Dad's divorced, lives alone, in his early 60s, we are early 30s, not married, no kids/grandkids.

friendindeed Any advice on OCD coping mechanisms?
  • replies: 1

I have a close family member who is in hospital for second suicide attempt. Her OCD is so severe that she felt she needed to do this despite having an amazing support network, husband and child. She has a phobia about contracting diseases and blood a... View more

I have a close family member who is in hospital for second suicide attempt. Her OCD is so severe that she felt she needed to do this despite having an amazing support network, husband and child. She has a phobia about contracting diseases and blood and when she is anxious, this phobia is heightened. She has been in hospital for 3 months now and is in rehab (the extent of her attempt) but my husband and I feel at such a loss because we don't know how we can help her other than visiting and calling her frequently and generally letting her know we are here for her. I'd like to know if there are some coping mechanisms for when her phobia kicks in so we can remind her of what she needs to do. She gets so distressed she can't remember what they are. Would it be seen as interfering if we asked to speak to her psychologist or would we not be permitted to? Any other advice you can offer would be appreciated. It makes us so sad to think if she finally gets out of hospital and is physically fit again, she may try again. We just want to do whatever we can to help her see the positives in her life and help her manage her OCD so she can try and resume some kind of 'normality'. It does seem somewhat of a hopeless situation so if anyone has a similar story and is managing their OCD well, please feel free to share your inspiring story. Thank you.

Rollercoaster Rollercoaster with my husband's depression
  • replies: 2

Where do I go from here? My husband has suffered from depression for many years. He was relatively well for several years whilst taking "X" medication (antidepressant). He has self removed himself from the meds and felt great for a while. Now has com... View more

Where do I go from here? My husband has suffered from depression for many years. He was relatively well for several years whilst taking "X" medication (antidepressant). He has self removed himself from the meds and felt great for a while. Now has come crashing down again. Won't talk about seeing a doctor. When he is down he becomes angry and extremely difficult to live with. Anything I say is "putting him under pressure". I have 3 primary school aged children who also have to live with this. I feel that when he is down they miss out as they have to keep quiet, I hold off on letting them have friends over and tend to get grumpy with them as I am curbed as to noise levels that trigger more anger from their father. I love him dearly but not sure I can ride this roller coaster anymore. I feel my kids childhoods are being held back. But I know if I leave he would either suicide or become aggressive. When he is well he is a kind loving well balanced man. Where do I go?