Support for Coping with a Parent with Mental Issues

[Concerned_Daughter1]

Hi

i am new to the pages and after a support forum for people dealing with parents with mental issues. 

Without pouring the whole story out my mum has recently had a relapse and tried to kill herself and only got help due to me begging her to get help. I am an adult child married with a child of my own.

I am currently finding her extremely consuming and it's getting to the point where I don't enjoy being with her and I don't want to be like this as I treasure her. 

Hence this post as I'd love to connect with others in the same boat to get coping skills and de brief with someone who understands 

many thanks 🙂

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Concerned Daughter,

I hear your concerns.     Strange how the mother/daughter relationship gets reversed in these instances.    Depression and suicidal ideation are not easy to deal with and I think you sound very balanced and organised about all this.  Well done.   I hope your own child is safe and well supported during this.

The reason for your mum's latest attempt wasn't mentioned but it's probably worth talking about.  If not with you, with a counsellor or GP (who can organise a Mental Health Programme and some free visits for counselling).   If some of these triggers can be identified then you've got a chance of reducing it happening again.   You can PREDICT when the rails will be jumped over again.  It might help reduce your mum's anxiety and certainly yours.

I'm in a different parent phase whereby I have maddening teenagers on one side and geriatric in laws ever phoning me at 2am to go to the hospital emergency.    Caught in the middle, it is impossible to think straight on any given day.   Now we have a family running away from a drunk/abusive husband staying here too so I'm just hoping that one of my teenage daughter doesn't get pregnant and complete the trifecta.  But you see what I'm getting at ?   Having "a child of my own" is a small problem.   It may as well be twins.     Your coping mechanisms are being stretched but it's family so you do your best.

Maybe you don't enjoy being with your mother so much because of all this stress but mabye it's something else - you want her to take control and be a good, strong mother (like you know) ?    Or maybe you're thinking "Shit, I might go through depression later on too".    The concentration should be on helping your mum not really worrying about your circumstance.   After all, she's done the same for you.  If it doesn't contain enjoyment then you're probably getting anxious yourself.

The thought "How many months or years do I have to look after my suicidal mum AS WELL AS DEAL WITH MY OWN CHILD ?" is a hard one to deal with.   Has any other family member or friend offered to help or as you expected to do everything (as is often the case) ?    Sometimes, making an anal timetable for the rest of the family to follow - different days to visit, etc - is worth thinking about.  Someone will probably say "But why should I visit - I work !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But sometimes a mum just wants one person as they "don't want to be a nuiscance to everybody".   And here's the rub, she probably doesn't even realise that she's putting you out.   And why should she ?   The sacrifice is mutual.

Adios, David.

PS  Sorry, Concerned Daughter, if I've offended you with some directness.  I am a bit off my responding game at the moment with a sudden eviction looming.  Good Luck.

[Pixie15]

Hi Concerned Daughter,

You don't say how old your mother is. If she is a senior and you have not already done so you could contact the Aged Care Assessment Team (A.C.A.T). You may need a referral from your Doctor. If she is willing they may be able to offer a package to help out with support services such as shopping, cleaning, counselling and companionship which may help. 

I don't know of any online forums for Carers but I would be interested to hear if there are. Hope you get the help you need. Chris.