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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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S_A_D_ Pain, Confused, Enraged, Tortured, Despairing, Begging, NEED OPTIONS!
  • replies: 16

I am in pain. It hurts so much. I feel very tense, the muscles all over my body are spasming and convulsing. I am angry at the person who hurt me, and also feel very threatened by them. I am sure they will hurt me again. They are cruel to a psychopat... View more

I am in pain. It hurts so much. I feel very tense, the muscles all over my body are spasming and convulsing. I am angry at the person who hurt me, and also feel very threatened by them. I am sure they will hurt me again. They are cruel to a psychopathological level, and are well practiced at concealing their cruelty with the appearance of kindness, generosity, empathy, sympathy, and compassion. They are very experienced at manipulating people into doing what they want. They lie, cheat, steal, and anything else they can be sure, from experience, will help them achieve their goal without getting caught and punished. They have established strong relationships with very high ranking law enforcement officials to get out of any sticky situation. They use this power immorally to "play God", manipulating people into giving them more power, much like a global corporation has a pathological persuit for profit and power. This person is EVIL. They have the resources to track me down wherever I go, so there is nowhere to escape to. There is no safe haven. I am, and always will be, continuously watched. As their power and influence grows, they become gradually bolder and overt with their cruelty, and more confident they are untouchable. They are a storm growing all around me, and will continue to grow until the imbalance that created them is corrected. They are a significant and immenent threat to everyone caught in the storm, and everyone in the path of the storm. They found me the last 2 times I cut off contact with all humans everywhere, and disposed of all electronics. I walked away from modern life, and lived in a tent in the middle of an area of state forest for an unknown period, but I couldn't get away from them. They stuck me in hospital again, where I received more brainwashing under the guise of therapy. In the past, my attempts to fight back have been not just ineffective, but usually backfire. If I throw a kilo of manure at them, they throw 5 kilos back at me. You'd think this would give me 5 kilos worth of ammo to throw back, but it's kinda hard to throw when you're drowning and choking on the sticky mess. I've never tried to kill or seriously injure anyone, and I sense most people will discourage this kind of action. I have also tried shutting down, and basically surrendering to them in a "do your worst" kind of attitude, but they have a way of getting under my skin, pushing my emotional buttons, and triggering a full rage experience which they then say is "... for fun. We're just kidding around, you know that right. You don't have to go off the handle at me for making a joke." I assume everyone here knows about the fight or flight response. There is a third: Freeze, mentioned above, when we hide inside ourselves. I've tried it all, and this person has a counter strategy for everything I've been able to come up with. There is nowhere to hide, inside myself or in the world, and fighting back makes everything hurt more. I am seeking help. I'm looking for any strategy that has ever worked against a ruthless and powerful authoritarian tyrant. I am begging for any method of acquiring peace from this person. The person I have described accurately represents not one but MANY people in my life. Several. numerous. A multitude. They're all sucking the life out of me, and there is no escape. Some of them work together against me, each one powerful in their own right, but in a temporary alliance there is no hope. I feel so weak, tired, stretched, all the time. I can't fight on 2 fronts at once, let alone dozens. I lack the coordination and multitasking skills for simultaneous conflict against several aggressors. I welcome death with open arms. I have had parties hoping it would attend. I have made many attempts at making it's acquaintance in spectacular fashion, but something always happens to prevent me. I don't understand this fear of death so many seem to have. Does that make me suitable for an employment position as an undertaker? I'm not trying anything drastic at any time in the near future though. My university course is interesting enough for now. I will still welcome death should it appear, but I'm not going to go looking for it for a while, unless there is another major trigger event to push me over the edge. No, I don't mean like low grades or the cafeteria being sold out of my favourite flavour of yogurt. I mean like another incident of "joking around" (torturous bullying) in a way that is so harmful to me I instinctively start looking for a weapon to defend myself with until I again realise self-defence against these types of tormentors is a futile endeavour. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

armywife How do I stop him from ending our marriage?
  • replies: 7

Sorry for long story but dont know how to shorten it.... My husband & I have been together for 14 years, he is in the Army and is in the middle of his 3rd deployment to the Middle East. we have 3 young children. He has been gone for over 7 mths and w... View more

Sorry for long story but dont know how to shorten it.... My husband & I have been together for 14 years, he is in the Army and is in the middle of his 3rd deployment to the Middle East. we have 3 young children. He has been gone for over 7 mths and we have about 6 weeks until this deployment is finished. He has never been diagnosed with PTSD or depression but after spending the last week with him whilst he was home on leave there is something going on. He has certainly seen enough stuff overseas to trigger PTSD. He took an online test and came out as red - see a Dr. We have a strong marriage, it has had its ups & down mainly due to pressure of military life but we have always had counselling & come out stronger. He was home about 3 mths ago & everything was fine. Then he comes home last week, he has lost about 8kgs, he is quiet, withdrawn and moody. He sits me down a few nights ago & says he doesn't feel any connection to me anymore, loves me but not "in love" with me. I was gutted, i asked if he was suffering depression. He agrees he might be , he admitted that he doesn't even enjoy riding his motor bike anymore. He said he feels very unsure about everything in his life. He said he will see a Dr when he gets home and come to counselling but then in the next breath says that i need to be prepared that nothing will change after that. I think he has already made up his mind that our marriage is over but he has not even given it a chance, hell we are not even in the same country for another 6 weeks now. He flew back yesterday & i know he is going to spend the next 6 weeks thinking all about the negative stuff that he has obviously dwelled on all year. I do believe that he will come home & get help but how do i get him to not make any decisions or write off our marriage too soon? Is it possible that the depression has caused him to lose his connection to me? Will those feelings come back if he gets help or am i getting my hopes up????? I am soooooooooo sad & lost. He is the love of my life & i have supported his army career through everything it has thrown at us & now i feel like that is worth nothing. I want to support him but am so scared of being hurt again. I am staying put for the kids & the hope he will get help but i worried he has already made up his mind.

CathyH Support from extended family
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I am new to this site and desperately needing some advice/support. My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxiety over 15 months ago with many hurdles needing to be made and still the medication levels are not right. While this has been fru... View more

Hi all, I am new to this site and desperately needing some advice/support. My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxiety over 15 months ago with many hurdles needing to be made and still the medication levels are not right. While this has been frustrating my bigger current issue is that my husband has been adamant not to inform his family about his health and yet we struggling on a week to week basis. A while back during some very difficult times I decided I would inform them of his condition, without telling my husband of this. However this has then somehow become more of a personal issue rather than being a combined effort for the sake of my 2 year old and his father. My husband's family are not forthcoming in their support and almost blame me in "not letting' them talk to their son/brother. This has been particularly hurtful when I am trying all I can to keep my immediate family from falling completely apart. I feel accused in 'making up' stories as they don't see what is being presented each week behind our closed doors, with the burden of supporting them on top of trying to support my husband and self, almost being too much. If there is any advise in how to move things forward I would be greatly appreciate. Many thanks Cathy

Joeyjoe Being strong
  • replies: 2

Hubby has depression, anxiety & stress. He is seeing a doctor, but I seem to be struggling dealing with all of this plz help

Hubby has depression, anxiety & stress. He is seeing a doctor, but I seem to be struggling dealing with all of this plz help

Familymember Boyfriend - How to cope
  • replies: 4

I am a 22 year old female. I have lived with my 24 year old partner for 2 years. He has suffered from depression since his mid teens. He has medication to treat his depression which has helped him in the past. The past year or so has been characteris... View more

I am a 22 year old female. I have lived with my 24 year old partner for 2 years. He has suffered from depression since his mid teens. He has medication to treat his depression which has helped him in the past. The past year or so has been characteristed by deep periods of depression. He began self medicating with Marijuana about a year ago and this perpetuated the cycle of depressive periods. He has ceased smoking cannibas and is seeing a Psychologist. He has also recently been diagnosed with Sleep Apnoea and is recieving treatment. I want to support him through these dark times. I am finding it hard being told by everyone close to me to give up my relationship with him because " I am young and dont need a project". The past few weeks my boyfriend has suffered from a particularly depressive episode and I feel myself struggling to remain supportive. Its hard to continue to trust that someone loves you when they distance themselves from you, stop helping, cease communicating, shows no interest in your relationship and has no sexual interest in you. He says things such as " We do nothing fun anymore because you dont like doing the things we use to", " You need to stop telling me what to do", " I feel miserable and there is nothing good in my life". He only says these things when he is very depressed. I am a social person and quite sensible. I dont drink or party as a result of growing up with an alcoholic parent. I have a very positive outlook in life and my boyfriend and I have always thrived in each others company. He is a kind, generous person with a playful disposition. I feel very hurt at his suggestions that I am the problem. I feel anxious that he is not sexually attracted to me and that I am the reason he feels so lost. I can logically recognise that he loves me and the things he says and does are a result of the depression, however, emotionally it is very difficult not to succumb to the suggestions, negativity, criticism and ride the rollercoaster with him. I sometimes think about jumping off and living my life free of depression and perhaps finding a partner who doesnt suffer from depression, however I always come back to the fact that I can play quite a significant role in his life and have previously helped him through prolonged periods of depression. When things are good they are wonderful - I am trying to keep up my hope for these times. Any tips on how to find the emotional stregnth living with a depressed person? Any tips on ways to articulate effectivly to a depressed family member how their actions and words can make others feel? Em

Ally_Mcbeal56 How do I get a loved one the help he needs?
  • replies: 2

My boyfriend has withdrawn from our relationship gradually over the last 6-8 weeks saying he is feeling unhappy as a result of the job he is acting in and it is making him feel unhappy in himself. He has slowly stopped socialising with friends/family... View more

My boyfriend has withdrawn from our relationship gradually over the last 6-8 weeks saying he is feeling unhappy as a result of the job he is acting in and it is making him feel unhappy in himself. He has slowly stopped socialising with friends/family, sitting in his bedroom where he lives, works 12-14 hour days, doesn't eat properly if at all. I suggested he get some assistance to which he replied he wouldn't be comfortable doing so. I fear he is suffering depression and needs some help and don't know how to best encourage him to do so....

One_of_Many Positive encouragements / actions
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone! This is my first post. First of all thanks to those who have shared their experience and advise here on this forum. They have been very useful to me, and I'm sure to many others as well. In fact just by knowing that we are not alone deal... View more

Hi everyone! This is my first post. First of all thanks to those who have shared their experience and advise here on this forum. They have been very useful to me, and I'm sure to many others as well. In fact just by knowing that we are not alone dealing with the depression is already a big encouragement. Inspired by another thread 'List of the Worst Family Comments re: Depression', I would also love to hear some inputs for someone who has a family member or friend with depression. What are some positive comments / things do you think they can say or do that would be encouraging? Thanks!

Bulletin_Board_Archive My beautiful daughter
  • replies: 22

Originally posted by: Angie on 26 April 2012My 14yo daughter is really worrying me. Lately she has been crying all the time without any reason. She has kept it to herself until yesterday when she finally told me. She doesn't know what's wrong or why ... View more

Originally posted by: Angie on 26 April 2012My 14yo daughter is really worrying me. Lately she has been crying all the time without any reason. She has kept it to herself until yesterday when she finally told me. She doesn't know what's wrong or why she is sad. She always has friends around and appears really happy. She told me externally she shows she's happy but inside she doesn't feel right. I know what she means - I do the same thing but I'm an adult and responsible for myself. She's my child and I'm responsible for her. I don't want to let this go without fixing it. I'm making an appointment with our GP today but I'm wondering if she is put on medication will she be on them forever? Is this my fault for not dealing with my issues properly? Is it my fault because I don't cuddle her enough? Will we get through this?

Rach Depressed Partners and PTSD
  • replies: 2

Hi all im a newbie to the site I thought ild start off by introducing myself. Ive been struggling with depression for 15 years, i had my first case of it when I was 12. Nobody realised i had it at that age and when i tried to end my own life they all... View more

Hi all im a newbie to the site I thought ild start off by introducing myself. Ive been struggling with depression for 15 years, i had my first case of it when I was 12. Nobody realised i had it at that age and when i tried to end my own life they all thought it was a mistake. Ive been on and off meds for awhile now and last year i was finally diagnosed with PTSD. Having a diagnosis made me somehow feel whole, i dont know how to describe it but i finally felt like someone could 'fix' me by actually knowing what was wrong and what caused these problems for the majority of my life. This time last year I was a total wreck and I didnt want to live. I was seeing a psychologist weekly and paying a fortune (seriously i think medicare needs to provide more sessions) but eventually i got through those dark times.. With the help of my psychologist i realised that unfortunately PTSD is something that i must live with every day, it wont ever go away and the things of my past wont either but i have found ways to cope. I recently left my job as a full time pharmacist and decided to give myself a break because all my energy was being spent on my patients rather than getting myself better.. Since then im now off my medication its only been 2 weeks and some days are better then others but im getting there The last few days have been pretty bad in my household, as i said above ive just left my job which was night shift work so i havent spent much time with my partner. But now that i am home i have noticed a massive shift in his mood, he speaks in monotone, always playing his computer, he cant even hold a conversation with me and there has been no physical intimacy for over a month. It has been bringing me down as im starting to feel like im not deserving of attention no matter how hard i try. Tonight he went to bed without me, I walked into the bedroom and asked him straightforward if he still loves me. He told me hes depressed and started to cry.. I feel so helpless and I dont know what I can do to help him, he was there for me at my worst but now I dont know how to help him. Im so scared that I am going to have to be the strong one, and feel like im barely holding on but I have to be there for him. He refuses to talk to a doctor and told me he didnt believe in psychologists or counseling even though he knows how much it helped me. So my question is to everyone, how do I help him? I tell him I love him every day and go out of my way to try to make him happy but i dont know what else to do

Sarah131 Dealing with the undiagnosed depression of a loved one
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum, and I'm really grateful for the opportunity to discuss these topics. I believe my partner of 7 years has struggled with clinical depression since a teenager, and medicates himself with marijuana abuse. I've always... View more

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum, and I'm really grateful for the opportunity to discuss these topics. I believe my partner of 7 years has struggled with clinical depression since a teenager, and medicates himself with marijuana abuse. I've always tried to offer my love, support, and encouragement, but over the past 10 months, things are particularly bad. He has completely lost interest in everyone and everything - his dog, work, friends, hobbies. He says he has no happiness in his life and thoughts. He doesn't eat, can't sleep, and talks about feelings of helplessness and anxiety. About 3 years ago, he went to see a doctor about his undiagnosed depressive state. He was in and out of her office in under 10 minutes. He was prescribed a blood test to check hormone levels, and received a call a few days later saying he was 'fine'. That was his chance to get help, and the system let him down. A few days ago we separated, initiated by him. The following day he was so angry and volatile, and caused damage to our property. But then he left a note for me: 'I should have fixed myself sooner, but I didn't. My pain is not for you, my burden is not yours. My burden is not for your family... You will thank me one day when you understand.' I am so frightened for his wellbeing and safety - not as a partner, but as a friend. Any advice as to how I encourage him to recognize what may be going on, and to unlock his mind to seek professional help?