Pain, Confused, Enraged, Tortured, Despairing, Begging, NEED OPTIONS!

[S_A_D_]

I am in pain. It hurts so much. I feel very tense, the muscles all over my body are spasming and convulsing. I am angry at the person who hurt me, and also feel very threatened by them. I am sure they will hurt me again. They are cruel to a psychopathological level, and are well practiced at concealing their cruelty with the appearance of kindness, generosity, empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

They are very experienced at manipulating people into doing what they want. They lie, cheat, steal, and anything else they can be sure, from experience, will help them achieve their goal without getting caught and punished. They have established strong relationships with very high ranking law enforcement officials to get out of any sticky situation. They use this power immorally to "play God", manipulating people into giving them more power, much like a global corporation has a pathological persuit for profit and power. This person is EVIL.

They have the resources to track me down wherever I go, so there is nowhere to escape to. There is no safe haven. I am, and always will be, continuously watched. As their power and influence grows, they become gradually bolder and overt with their cruelty, and more confident they are untouchable. They are a storm growing all around me, and will continue to grow until the imbalance that created them is corrected. They are a significant and immenent threat to everyone caught in the storm, and everyone in the path of the storm. They found me the last 2 times I cut off contact with all humans everywhere, and disposed of all electronics. I walked away from modern life, and lived in a tent in the middle of an area of state forest for an unknown period, but I couldn't get away from them. They stuck me in hospital again, where I received more brainwashing under the guise of therapy.

In the past, my attempts to fight back have been not just ineffective, but usually backfire. If I  throw a kilo of manure at them, they throw 5 kilos back at me. You'd think this would give me 5 kilos worth of ammo to throw back, but it's kinda hard to throw when you're drowning and choking on the sticky mess. I've never tried to kill or seriously injure anyone, and I sense most people will discourage this kind of action.

I have also tried shutting down, and basically surrendering to them in a "do your worst" kind of attitude, but they have a way of getting under my skin, pushing my emotional buttons, and triggering a full rage experience which they then say is "... for fun. We're just kidding around, you know that right. You don't have to go off the handle at me for making a joke."

I assume everyone here knows about the fight or flight response. There is a third: Freeze, mentioned above, when we hide inside ourselves. I've tried it all, and this person has a counter strategy for everything I've been able to come up with. There is nowhere to hide, inside myself or in the world, and fighting back makes everything hurt more.

I am seeking help. I'm looking for any strategy that has ever worked against a ruthless and powerful authoritarian tyrant. I am begging for any method of acquiring peace from this person.

The person I have described accurately represents not one but MANY people in my life. Several. numerous. A multitude. They're all sucking the life out of me, and there is no escape. Some of them work together against me, each one powerful in their own right, but in a temporary alliance there is no hope. I feel so weak, tired, stretched, all the time. I can't fight on 2 fronts at once, let alone dozens. I lack the coordination and multitasking skills for simultaneous conflict against several aggressors.

I welcome death with open arms. I have had parties hoping it would attend. I have made many attempts at making it's acquaintance in spectacular fashion, but something always happens to prevent me. I don't understand this fear of death so many seem to have. Does that make me suitable for an employment position as an undertaker?

I'm not trying anything drastic at any time in the near future though. My university course is interesting enough for now. I will still welcome death should it appear, but I'm not going to go looking for it for a while, unless there is another major trigger event to push me over the edge. No, I don't mean like low grades or the cafeteria being sold out of my favourite flavour of yogurt. I mean like another incident of "joking around" (torturous bullying) in a way that is so harmful to me I instinctively start looking for a weapon to defend myself with until I again realise self-defence against these types of tormentors is a futile endeavour.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

[Ruth_M]

Hi Pandora's Paradox,

You sound really distressed. We're concerned to hear how anxious and fearful you are feeling right now. Have you been in this situation before? Do you recall what helped (if anything?).

We'd really encourage you to get in contact with your treating team or even the counsellors at beyondblue on 1300 22 46 36. They can talk with you about the fears you are experiencing and help you find the right support. You don't have to go through this alone, so please do call someone today.

With best wishes

beyondblue moderation team

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Pandora's Paradox,

On a practical side have you backed up all your course work and research ?     When I get this disallusioned with the world I normally destroy a lot of my music figuring that will "hurt" the performers (that benefit with fees, etc) as much as I am hurting.   Just a suggestion.   I only read the other day on christacats' thread "alone & hated" that you are a medical practitioner so your level of study must be worth protecting.    You once mentioned that your study was more important that having a dog.  (Kind of denies you the "my dog ate my homework" though, Lol).

There have been discussions on this BB site between you and me that have not been empathetic but more combative so I'm not sure what part I play in this meltdown.   The only thing that speaks to me from all this is that you could easily over think life given your intellect and penchant for extremely long and studious responses.    It might be the best scenario to pitch a tent in another field and dial down all the never ending torturous thoughts to more basic concerns about the weather and if you remembered to bring the matches.

I know the university semester is but a week away so maybe there is some anxiety about returning and doing OK.  Are there deadlines unaccounted for ?

I spent 8 hrs today assembling IKEA clothes racks (well, 2 !) for my uni daughter and it was crazy, crazy, crazy for me but really therapeutic.   If someone had told me that furniture construction was a good calming effect I would not have believed them but after all those hrs reading the brochure, finding screw 29806 to go into bar 11769, I experienced a certain mellowness.  Guess this was my "tent-atude".

Once you get past the point of frustration nothing can touch you.  I imagine that death seems a great release (or, to be more precise with your open arms example, a good embrace).         But it's a kind of shallow victory for someone with great communication skills, the ability to talk the hind leg off a donkey (not sure which part of civilisation really benefits from that ex) and the doggedness to push comfortable responders like me out of our comfort zones.

There's a reason we get challenged.  Good Luck (and I'm not being facetious).

Adios, David.

[S_A_D_]

Thanks for the encouragement, but I'm not after another soothing counselling session. They can calm me down when I'm experiencing an anxiety attack, or be a shoulder to cry on when I'm depressed, but this is not that.

There is a clear difference between anxious fear, and the fear of danger. I am in danger. I've written a book on ways to deal with anxiety, but in circumstances involving actual threatening behaviour, my knowledge is limited to what I wrote above. Our autonomic nervous system takes over, we lose the ability to think rationally in order to increase our reaction time. We become emotionally hyperstimulated and our instincts are to trust this voice that wants to be quietened so badly it has to scream to convey the message, analogically speaking. The voice says I need to feel safe, and I do not. The voice is not always there, but when I am threatened it becomes my whole world.

My doctor says this behaviour, when exhibited over many years, is a sign of delusional paranoia, because that is how it is described in the DSM-V (and all previous DSMs).

How does a conspiracy theorist get credibility when they stumble on an actual conspiracy? They can't! How does a paranoid person explain they are feeling threatened by something that is not a delusion or an exaggeration? They can't! I'm both, which means I have access to a lot of information about threats that are covered up, and nobody believes me.

Anyone remember watching a film called "A Beautiful Mind"? This is nothing like that. Are you hearing me? I'm not crazy! but everyone believes I am which is part of the reason I can't reveal my personal details. I'm not insane. Insane was me 20 years ago when I was still trying to figure out how to deal with being in a state of perpetual danger. I'm way past insane and in a place which advanced linguistics cannot describe.

I have been forced to suppress my fight or flight response to danger in order to function rationally in an absurd environment. Every now and then I notice just how dangerous it is, and for just a moment I forget to suppress my autonomic system, which brings all of this to the surface. This experience shakes me horribly and after having talked about it for a bit I'm feeling much calmer and more composed and able to continue doing whatever it is that I was doing. What helps? It ain't writing about it. It helps to be heard, and actively listened to, but no one wants to hear the ramblings of a (diagnostically) crazy person.

This act of suppression impairs my ability to react to new threats, lowering response times until they can be evaluated by the rational mind. This frequent increasing and decreasing of my reaction time, and from what frame of mind I react, makes my behaviour inconsistent and unpredictable. Just in the time I've been writing this post I've gone from rational to emotionally unstable, and back, twice.

Before anyone asks, I'm not a criminal, or a terrorist, or a sociopath, or anything like that. Think about it for a second. They don't go around telling people to fear them. I'm afraid of them just as much as you, but I'm afraid of other people, far more dangerous people, a lot more. People with the power to kill (or worse) and convince the world it was an accident, or an act of justice, or peacekeeping.

I know that most of you can think of a person like this, yet we do nothing. We allow them to continue growing in power and influence, and ignore all the warning signs. These are the kinds of people this thread is about, and you think I'm distressed?

A long time ago I had the opportunity to be powerful too, with wealth and privelige and influence. I REFUSED!! They resent me for it, as though there was some kind of contract I signed at birth that said I would accept their legacy and carry it with pride.

[giggles]

Dear pandora

Goodness that sounds like the making of a horror movie. You poor thing I too certainly hope you get help with this one. Otherwise I have imagined putting a metallic force around you so nothing can ever touch you again and of course you win the battle or battles because you have a soul and your spirit has lead you to this site and uni to seek answers tell that lot to take a hike so you can get on with your stuff

Let us know how this works out for you if you can do art perhaps drawing these things you see may help.Spiritualism would love you.

Sending you positive energy Pandora but that is so easy to do you really have to work on it as well to make it real.

All the best.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Pandora's Paradox,

"I don't understand this fear of death so many seem to have.   Does this make me suitable...as an undertaker ?"

Yes.   I've worked 6 months in a funeral parlour and the characters in that firm and others seem to be very matter of fact.  And also very funny.  It is one of the few times I have pissed myself laughing because something terribly awkward happened at the cemetery and we were holding a stoic, sensible position and had to hold such emotions in for an intolerant number of minutes.

"They have established strong relationships with the very high ranking law enforcement officials to get out of a sticky situation".

This is truly cryptic but this morning I figured you are alluding to a recent disallowed response (in criticism of me - along the lines of "I wouldn't trust David with my own real name in case....etc") and even a passable description of the moderators (who I pointed this out to in a conjecturing and speculative fashion).

It's a serious post so I'm guessing a serious response is worth a crack (assuming the above is correct).   But sharing your paradoxical nature might be even better.   So, in the guise of empathetic attunement I offer you the following paradoxes to consider while in limbo:

(1)  Botox, the one time wonder, the all changing for the better and marvelous cosmetic instrument of desire doesn't work long term unless there are treatments at regular tri-monthly intervals.    The "one time" becomes "many times".   Or maybe the paradox is that the "one time" mentality is only in regard to the "one time" you make the decision to spend more money on your face than buying a 2nd hand car (over several years). Does cosmetic surgery improve one's personality ?

(2)  The Fast & Furious 27th franchised film might only be in regard to a bicycle and scooter having squandered the earths resources of fossil fuels and such by then.  Catch phrases such as "Let's burn it up" might have to replaced with the more practical "Let's try and remember this bike's padlock combo".  Subtle sexy remarks such as "Where's your helmut ?" could keep the pace frisky and raconteur.

(3)   The Bride is given away by her Father.   If this was reconstructed to The Bride is given away by her Mother wouldn't we have happier mother in laws ?

(4)   When I am in San Francisco 5 days out of a 2 month break and my son says "Come back - I'm not feeling good.   I have crashed and burned" try and get more information before returning to Sydney to find a dodgy computer hitch and any notions of suicide quietly sitting outside the realities of teenage brainset.  Way to kill a holiday - thanks depression.  But then Syd / San Francisco are pretty much the same population dynamic in terms of being gay capitals.  Bit so-so.

(5)   The paradox of a quiz show host collapsing when supposed to be in control.   You Tube this one for a laugh  "Stephen Fry gets broken by guests on QI".   

It's not that things can get bad, it's that things are bad.  Most of the time.  If you feel that info you have shared on BB has been ridiculed think again.    It's just not been a welcome view (i.e. on parenting) from someone like me who feels their own parental struggle is equally as valid as your own situation/experience.  But that's just a difference of opinion.  Nothing to worry about if it's a one off.  However, as you say, if obstruction and willfulness represents EVERY person against you then you're obviously gonna head off to the death mindset as it would seem nothing can bounce you back.

But if Resistance really is Futile, why would you bother posting ?  Maybe Resistance is a good thing.   The ability to say "No" is probably the most important ability of all.   (My mother is still saying it !).   Maybe a good paradox is just a good opposites reality ?   I hope more responders chip in to allay your fears and subtly offer some advice that you might find helpful.

If it's any help, I used a name for a while a bit on the Facetious side but in the end had to change it as it caused more offence than hilarity.   This is long gone now and not being resurrected so I feel safe to share this with you - one of my contact points was titled "fatsobonkers".   In the end it imploded on me and that's why I was concerned at your initial "Facetious" tag.  Short term, these quirks seem fun and challenging.   Long term, these quirks will damage and harm you/someone.

Adios, David.

PS  Sorry for the double dip - you don't have to justify yourself to me.   The number of times you've written "I didn't say....this....or that" was actually damaging you rather than moving on.   Sometimes, you just have to know who you are.  Keep strong.    If you feel you can cope with the next semester then grab your reality.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Pandora's Paradox,

Too much to take in, but Wow !   Looking forward to ongoing postings if you can manage them.

Adios, David.

[S_A_D_]

Thank you to everyone that responded.

Hello Giggles,

I am something similar to atheist. Your supernatural advice is kind and well intentioned, therefore I will hold my tounge if you can hold yours. I would really rather not argue about this too.

David,

You've deduced more things correctly about this than I had expected, and ignored many things I carefully included.

First of all, our "combative" interaction is part of the reason for the breakdown, but it is more of an independent outcome created by the same cause that acted as a trigger for my breakdown.

I believe people (everyone) deserves the truth. They deserve responses that reflect reality and fact and honesty and integrity. The only way people can know this is if bad advice is criticised, and harmful advice is blocked. My criticisms of bad advice are being blocked, and harmful advice is being called "differences of opinion" and allowed. This very message is a criticism of the moderators. Will they allow this to be published?

Secondly, I mentioned there are many people that behave this way with me. 

My studies (and this studious environment) are the only strong positive things in my life. Studying is to me as building Ikea furniture is to some others. It is the foundation for my efforts to perform my "attitude transplant" because I know I can rely on it to be a consistent guide. It can also act as a template I can use to compare other people's behaviour against, and decide who is providing a healthy influence and who is harming me.

In response to your 5 points:

1. Your botox story is an example of slippery assimilation. Are you saying I did this to myself? Can you be specific?
2. Your furious are you saying I've stretched myself too thin? Can you specific?
3. Your marriage story is an example of questioning tradition. I have no idea what you're saying here. WTF?
4. Your holiday story is an example of "$#!% happens." I agree, but things are not supposed to get consistently worse with every passing day. As some things get harder, other things are supposed to get easier to balance the equation and provide a coping mechanism for change.
5. Your QI reference is an example of the illusion of control. Everyone is susceptible to this illusion. No exceptions. The only means of maintaining sanity when a sense of control is lost is with surrender, acceptance, and humility, however reaching this state is a process identical to the 5 stages of grief and mourning stipulated by Elizabeth K. Ross and David Kessler.  

 I would prefer people refrained from quoting me except in extreme circumstances. I am quite capable of scrolling up to my own post. Also, taking one of my sentences out of context is potentially disasterous.

"No" is the response implicit in denial, anger, and bargaining. Depression, the fourth stage, is the limbo between resistance and acceptance. Are you advising me to go backwards in the process? I know I must move out of depression, but I am receiving so many mixed and contradictory signals, depression seems pretty nice compared to the prospect of yet again making the wrong choice.

Is anyone reading the headline of this thread? I need options!

[Scotty2013]

Dear Pandora it's easy for ones Mind to run away with them, Paranoia , Over-thinking things when one is not well , under depression. People only have so much power you allow them to have, nobody is that powerful there is always someone more powerful, So breath some, stop and ground yourself. Talk to someone about your concern's, you will be surprised who has the answers, on how to deal with a situation and the help on offer TC for now .

[S_A_D_]

Giggles,

I am atheist.

David,

Moderators are allowing you to post to me, but are disallowing all communication (from me) intended for you on all threads. Unable to respond.