How do I stop him from ending our marriage?

[armywife]

Sorry for long story but dont know how to shorten it....

My husband & I have been together for 14 years, he is in the Army and is in the middle of his 3rd deployment to the Middle East. we have 3 young children. He has been gone for over 7 mths and we have about 6 weeks until this deployment is finished. 

He has never been diagnosed with PTSD or depression but after spending the last week with him whilst he was home on leave there is something going on. He has certainly seen enough stuff overseas to trigger PTSD. He took an online test and came out as red - see a Dr. 

We have a strong marriage, it has had its ups & down mainly due to pressure of military life but we have always had counselling & come out stronger. 

He was home about 3 mths ago & everything was fine. Then he comes home last week, he has lost about 8kgs, he is quiet, withdrawn and moody.

He sits me down a few nights ago & says he doesn't feel any connection to me anymore, loves me but not "in love" with me. I was gutted, i asked if he was suffering depression. He agrees he might be , he admitted that he doesn't even enjoy riding his motor bike anymore. He said he feels very unsure about everything in his life. 

He said he will see a Dr when he gets home and come to counselling but then in the next breath says that i need to be prepared that nothing will change after that.

I think he has already made up his mind that our marriage is over but he has not even given it a chance, hell we are not even in the same country for another 6 weeks now. 

He flew back yesterday & i know he is going to spend the next 6 weeks thinking all about the negative stuff that he has obviously dwelled on all year. 

I do believe that he will come home & get help but how do i get him to not make any decisions or write off our marriage too soon?

Is it possible that the depression has caused him to lose his connection to me? Will those feelings come back if he gets help or am i getting my hopes up?????

I am soooooooooo sad & lost. He is the love of my life & i have supported his army career through everything it has thrown at us & now i feel like that is worth nothing. 

I want to support him but am so scared of being hurt again. I am staying put for the kids & the hope he will get help but i worried he has already made up his mind. 

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Well, my instinct is that the "having made up his mind" is just a symptom of the (probable) depression.  It kind of comes for free with the depression package that you feel like "This is it.  This is the totality of my life forevermore.  It isn't going to get better.".

Sometimes I've felt like I didn't have the capacity to love, and that's obviously baloney.  So yeah, it can mess with your perception of your feelings.

[S_A_D_]

Hello, You’re an excellent writer. Succinct and informative. You’ve said exactly what responders need to know to consider your situation, and nothing unnecessary. You’ve put your emphasis in all the right places to motivate readers to write something, anything. I thought your skills deserved due respect.

OK, so firstly there is a big difference between stereotypical depression and stereotypical PTSD. There are also a lot of overlapping potential symptoms between the two, which is why they are easily confused.

I am insufficiently skilled at this time to discern which one (or both, or neither) your husband may be suffering from. He may require a psychiatrist and a psychologist for an extended period, and possibly even hospitalisation. The military should pay for this. In fact, they should have identified this in him, from his attitude and behaviour, a long time ago, and removed him from active duty.

So, in response to your direct questions: Yes, it is possible and very highly likely that his condition, whether depression or PTSD or otherwise, has been a very significant contributing factor in his lost connection. These feelings MAY come back if he gets ENOUGH help, over a sufficient period of time. You MAY be getting your hopes up, but under the circumstances having hope is a very good thing.

At the moment he has “made up his mind,” but his mind is not healthy at the moment. As far as he can tell, everything you have gone through together IS worth nothing to him. When he says things that are hurtful, you cannot trust that it is him saying it. This is hard because it looks and sounds like him, but it is not him. It is the illness talking. If you hurt him back, it will make everything worse.

Now your most difficult question: How can you stop him making irrational decisions? Say whatever it takes to get him into an office with a mental health professional.

Here’s one possible high-risk strategy, if you find him resistant: Convince him that you owe him everything. Motivate him into thinking about what you have done for him, and that he can trust you, by making yourself sound more depressed than he is. Tell him you need his help, but that you won’t talk to a shrink without him there. Privately inform the shrink that you’re there to support him and help him get a clear diagnosis.

From the moment he has been diagnosed, major life changes are very difficult to get confirmed. The doctors will see that you are his best route to recovery, and will work in your favour to keep the marriage together.

So far you've done everything right.

Keep asking for help.

[geoff]

dear Armywife, all I can say now is 'oh dear'.

People sent away for either war or to manage another country and the violence that occurs puts them in an awful situation.

Most of them change when they return with PTSD or simply depression, because our livelihood or environment is completely different than to what they have seen overseas, it's a different world, and makes it extremely difficult for them to adjust.

I feel so sorry for these men and women that have been drafted to go to places that we should never be involved with, because at the end of everything that they have done, mostly it was pointless in them going, all it does is destroy their personality, and the government don't give a damn, once they are home.

The point is that he says he ' loves me' but 'not in love with me', so I take this as something that can be worked on.

He is depressed and I would try and get him into counselling as soon as possible, and for you to convince him not to make any decision until he has been counselled.

I respect what he is saying, and this is by no means rejecting you by mentioning this, as I don't want any drift or breakup in your marriage, but with depression, he maybe thinking that after all he has been through, he may not want to inflict any of that pain that he has seen, and had to witness.

It's going to be a long road for the both of you as well your two year old.

I don't want to have to say this because it is going to frighten you and put you on edge, however I feel as though I need to, and that you have to keep watch over him in the days when he returns, because I don't want anything to happen to him, sorry, nor do you.

Please keep in touch as this is a topic that needs to be discussed. L Geoff. x 

[Wrighton]

Dear army wife, 

I am sorry to hear about your situation and I don't propose to to understand what you're going through except that my husband has said a similar thing to me. He told me he loves me, I'm his best friend but is not in love with me.My husband has been diagnosed with severe depression and this is what he said as well as what your husband said to you. He is seeing a psychiatrist and it seems to be helping him little by little. 

 I have had to put the idea of our marriage aside for the moment whilst he is working hard with the illness. 

Hopefully by your husband seeking some help it may clarify some of the doubts he is having I know this is a very hard time for you too and I do empathise cause it is so hard for you too. If nothing else, the counselling will help him deal with the issues and hopefully in time he will come back to you as a better person, father and husband.  

The hardest thing for me was accepting that my husband has an illness and something he didn't choose to get, and that it can be dealt with. My only advise is that you will need alot of patience and to understand that it isn't yours or his fault.  

I sincerely hope it all works out for your family and I am sending positive thoughts and wishes.😊

[chocmonte]

Firstly, let me say how sorry I am to hear of your experience at the moment. Depression has a way of warping everything out and it tells LIES constantly!

I am on the other side of the fence battling depression and I can tell you that I feel I have lost all connection with my partner and family.  I doubt everything and react to these doubts by wanting to make major changes such as leaving the relationship before he leaves me, quitting my job, moving house, going overseas, anything to try and take away the hopelessness I feel at the moment and put me back in a position of control over something at least.  I know that this is the depression talking having been here before, but it still has a way of getting in my ear and trying to convince me otherwise.  What adds to this is that other people don't understand depression and offer similar advice - 'Oh yes maybe you'd be better off somewhere else' 'maybe you need a fresh start' 'maybe if things weren't like this and that you'd feel better'.  Very unhelpful as what they are doing is giving an irrational illness an ally.

I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband, but if he is suffering depression I imagine that he is confused and scrambling for control.  One of the things depression is great at doing is encouraging you to isolate yourself, so partners and families often get shut out.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is making bad decisions at the moment as this is part of the depression game.

I hope you are able to sort things out.  All you can do is gently encourage him to seek help (offer to go with him) before making any major decisions.  One of the first things they tell you when suffering depression is 'don't make major life decisions!'. Beyond blue have a great list of GP's and other professionals that he could see.

I wish you both all the best xo

[armywife]

Thank you all for your replies & thoughts.

We only have web chat whilst he is overseas so it is very challenging. I am now experiencing anxiety as we still have 6 weeks until he is home and i dont know what the future holds.

Regardless of its PTSD, depression, deployment who knows i just hope everyday that he wont make any major decisions until we are face to face.

The military life can be brutal.

Thanks again.....

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear armywife,

I would be "sad and lost" too if I was deployed and came back to a loving partner.  Some of the 2nd Word War veterans NEVER spoke about their tours.  Seeing a mate blown up next to you by a land mine would be hard to take, even with military training.

The future holds everything, good and bad.    If your partner returned and was over the top, happy chappy, then I would be worried.  Feeling a bit of pain and being distant has to be a good thing as a slow means to coping.   You can do the counseling and move on but you have to accept the experiences first.  Blaming the war and all that (a bit Basil Fawlty) might be a good release but I guess, at the end of the day, your partner made the choice to be community conscience.  Which is pretty rare these days.  Enlistments have been way down for many years.

Embrace each other before digging up any plans or laying foundations for the future.

Adios, David.

PS  The kids must be stoked.  Christmas with Daddy..........