Support from extended family

[CathyH]

Hi all,

I am new to this site and desperately needing some advice/support. 

My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxiety over 15 months ago with many hurdles needing to be made and still the medication levels are not right.  While this has been frustrating my bigger current issue is that my husband has been adamant not to inform his family about his health and yet we struggling on a week to week basis. 

A while back during some very difficult times I decided I would inform them of his condition, without telling my husband of this.  However this has then somehow become more of a personal issue rather than being a combined effort for the sake of my 2 year old and his father.  My husband's family are not forthcoming in their support and almost blame me in "not letting' them talk to their son/brother.   This has been particularly hurtful when I am trying all I can to keep my immediate family from falling completely apart.  I feel accused in 'making up' stories as they don't see what is being presented each week behind our closed doors, with the burden of supporting them on top of trying to support my husband and self, almost being too much.

 If there is any advise in how to move things forward I would be greatly appreciate.

 Many thanks

Cathy

[geoff]

dear Cathy, I'm sorry but what ever you do or don't do you can't seem to win any votes.

This is totally unfair for you, because your full intention was to help your husband, and by telling his parents you thought would have been able to support not only hubby but also yourself.

But it has back fired and not got you where you hoped it would.

You have done what you thought was best, and it must have been a terrible decision to make, what will hubby do when I tell his parents, or why will I get grilled by his parents, which is right and which is wrong, well I would have done the same as what you did.

Depression confuses our mind we can't think clearly and absolutely our thoughts are distorted, plus it's the same as 'I want to tell you a secret but don't tell anyone else', meaning that I only want to confide in you.

There are many times when this is not applicable, and for example, 'I am going to kill myself tonight but don't tell anyone'.

What happens if they do, how remorseful would you be, and the feeling of being guilty, and what happens if I have an few drinks and talk about it, hell will break loose.

Firstly his medication has to be reviewed, as it's not working, and if he won't go and see the doctor on your advice then you will have to bring in one of his siblings or either parent, they now have to take some responsibilty, which they need to do.

It's all well and good for them to criticise you so now they have to pull their finger out and pitch in.

This is a big burden for you at the moment and you need some help, but you have to remember that there may be some agitation and a feeling of uneasiness between you and your husband, but hopefully this will subside when his medication kicks in or when he begins to feel better.

[CathyH]

Thanks Geoff for posting your words.  It is truly appreciated. 

My anguish grows everyday along with my confusion for trying to get "it right", knowing that this is an impossibility. I had truly hoped that my in-laws would have taken on the responsibility in helping us particularly their son/brother but somehow it is obvious that they feel quite ok to just leave me to it while at the same time spiralling in the wondering how is this all affecting them. 

He is being treated by our local GP who sees him every couple of weeks at the moment but I have been wondering if he should be seen by a Psychiatrist instead. We had a long period of around 12 months of him being quite stable but he had a major relapse which ended with my husband walking out on his full time job.  He has since found another job working 2 days a week and is trialling his 3rd medication option since April.  My husband is willing to see health professionals but not able to discuss with family and friends.

I am feeling on the brink of just blurting it out to my hubby that his family knows just so it is out there but truly wonder about the consequence for his health and progress. Ultimately this is my main priority but the anger in me feels like doing it out of spite to force everyone to accept my husbands health situation, including my husband for that matter. I do worry though that the trust my husband has in me is broken but I can only hope following your final words that in time he will understand what I have done.

Thanks again

Cathy

[Pixie15]

Hi Cathy, Sorry to hear about your problems. If I have read your post correctly you say you have a two year old child. If that is right your child is your first priority. If your husband suffers depression and anxiety you will probably need to always be the dependable one. Your husband may just need some time to sort out his medication and come to terms with his condition. Two days work a week may be all he can manage as far as work goes. From my experience the more you try to fix things, the more resistance you will come up against. If you are not working yourself it may be worth your while considering. Some therapy may help him if he is willing to participate. It would probably be good to encourage him to talk to his doctor about that. If his family are not being helpful I would probably just ignore them. Forget your ever told them and research other avenues of help that may be open to you. You have enough of a load without be hassled by your inlaws. Best wishes, Chris.

[CathyH]

Hi Chris,

Thanks too for your advice and supportive response.  Managing an active 2 year old certainly isn't easy on top of trying to understand how to best support my husband.  I am sure there are many others out there who are also trying to juggle complicated lives and trying to work what is best for all and who gets the priority. 

I have had to go back to work due to financial pressures but do find the 'break' helpful, with my job being quite rewarding in the line of work I do.

The last time I tried 'talking' to my in-laws I was faced with accusations and then my mother in law going to the car almost to hide away with her face in her hands. Truly not helpful at all when it is clear that they are struggling with it all too but ultimately they are not living with a person who is on a daily roller coaster ride of anxieties etc.  I don't think they realise how close I have come to walking out on my husband due to the level of severity it has been for my son and I. I fiercely love my husband but as you stated my son is my no.1 and I must protect him above everything.

I am unsure whether putting the 'depression/anxiety' label on the table is helpful for everyone but it certainly seems now while it is not out in the open there is more opportunity for blame rather than support. I encourage my husband weekly to speak to his family as I feel that is his journey and hopefully he will find some healing or relief in that process rather than it being 'my option' to force it out there.  However I do worry particularly about my mother in laws reaction when talking to me, as this type of response for my husband would be detrimental. I am concerned that if she cant talk to me how will she be able to talk to her son. 

I would be interested to hear if other people have had similar situations in sharing their diagnosis' with family and friend and managing their reactions.

Many thanks

Cathy

[geoff]

dear Cathy, I am now beginning to worry for you.

After reading all your comments and also from Chris and then your reply to him, I can see that all of this pressure on you is going to explode sooner than later.

You can't be in the middle being pulled in all directions trying to please everybody, this is totally unfair for you, which brings me to my point, and that is you are about to crack, and I don't want this to occur.

If it does happen then your two year old will have two parents who are depressed, and by this you may start arguing and the possibility of fighting.

I tend to believe as your mother-in-law's reaction to you won't be pleasant, as she will stick to her son, that this is when you will break, I really don't want this to happen, as many of us have been through hell and back, once or several times and it's a long journey.

You have to start protecting yourself for you and your two year old, so it's a good time to go to your doctor, and take advantage of the free 10 visits to a psych.

This is just to put a security shield around yourself, just to protect you from all angles.

With regards to you query 99% of my 'friends' disappeared, all except for one person who came to see me everyday and almost forced me to leave the house, he has unfortunately now passed away, as it just happened so quickly and he was overseas, so I didn't get to see him.

My twin brother was always in contact but he was a couple of hours away, and my sister was also a help for me.

It's a long tough journey and that's why I want you to look after yourself now before the big crunch happens and unfortunately it can't really be avoided.

It's an awkward situation and your in right in the middle, so please take the best care. L Geoff. x

[Emzy]

Hi Cathy

Read Ur Story And Know Pretty much what u r going thru. My husband has had depression & anxiety for what seems like our whole marriage ' Today his in a good 

place, thankfully.

l struggle with the in laws on a now weekly basis. l see counsellor myself now which has been awesome. I get to swear and carry on & get angry and it feels good. . Plus it gives me the strength l need to make the decisions I need to make.

my husband took 3 years to tell his family and they have NOT been helpful in any way. They have blamed me for so much when they should have used their energy to find ways to help their son/ brother. They are his worst support, and it's very sad, but he know realise's they are a main stress in his life. currently he's working on his Coping abilities to help him deal with them in a more positive way.

Whatever you do will be wrong in someone's eyes. Do what's right for you and your son and your family. U are No. 1!!!

Maybe get referral to psychiatrist, or local mental health service too. And talk to Gp about mental health care plan like Geoff suggested. 

This is my first time on this form, and I Know it has helped me today, just reading your story, I dont felt as alone, so thank-you for sharing.

sending strength + support your way.

Regards, Emma