Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Helping partner who refuses help

replies: 1

Firstly hi, and secondly I apologise in advance if I offend anyone with my words as I realise this is a forum for those suffering, and that us family and friends can also post. My partner refuses to seek any treatment and I am at my wits end. About 8 years ago (before I knew him) he was hospitalised after a manic episode and diagnosed with bipolar II. His condition was poorly managed (so he tells me) and he was referred to a second psych who diagnosed him as having had a "bump in the road" (as partner tells me), or an alcoholic (as partners family tells me). Once he 'got better' he sought no further treatment. It sounds like he has struggled all his adult life, and is now early 40's. Over the last 7 years of being together I've watched him go up and down. On the positives, when he's fully functioning he's great, he's held down a senior level job for years, and has more friends than anyone I know. Close and social friends. On the downside, he has up and down cycles that are coming closer and closer together....but they are always concurrent with binge drinking. In this time he is aggressive (not violent with me but gets in fights, verbally abusive to me), can be paranoid, can't sleep, has little or no insight into self or effect on others, is moody and unpleasant, idealises certain people and seems to display narcissistic behaviour (or at the least looks like he has a massive ego), lacks appetite, drinks constantly, attention seeks (e.g. starts drinking and then starts relentlessly calling people on the phone). This will be followed at some point by a few days not getting out of bed and great sadness. In good times and bad he always drinks - would be drunk 4/5 nights a week - sometimes tipsy, sometimes falling over. I don't know if he is bipolar or 'just' an alcoholic - with behaviours that mimic bipolar symptoms. I've researched BPD and he fits a lot of that criteria (ex he doesn't look like he has a fear of abandonment at all - but the other criteria he displays). Maybe a label doesn't even matter? How can a psych diagnose when he's drinking so heavily? He's having a 'crisis' at the moment (I don't know what else to call it) where he's behaved in a way that may see him lose his job, he's been aggressive with friends, his family have had enough. He's saying he has thought about suicide. Over the last 7 years I've begged, nagged, empathised, stepped back, cried...tried everything I can think of to get him to seek some help. I just don't know what to do anymore. He just plain refuses. Says he'd rather die than go through any sort of treatment again. Wont even just go and see the psychiatrist to 'prove us wrong'. My life is so unpleasant....I am scared of him (I HATE being yelled at), I hate walking on eggshells, I hate being constantly anxious and worrying over what state he'll be in when I get home/ he gets home, hate being alone and responsible for everything, hate the thought of our kids seeing this, and as they get older thinking it is their fault. Once before I told him I couldn't live like this anymore and wanted him to get help or I needed to make choices for myself and our children and two days later he said that was fine because he no longer loved me anyway and hates our life and blames us for the way he is. This is despite at all other times telling me that the kids and I were the one thing keeping him alive. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there ANYTHING left for me to try? ANYTHING? I managed to get him to a GP, he has a referral, but wont make the appointment. Wont let me make it either. I am trying to make an appointment for myself with his psych, and I have an appointment booked with a psychologist for later this month. Now I've got him to the GP he has started in again with the "I'm sick of you, I'm sick of the kids", which usually means he's headed to tell me he is leaving us. Do I "let" him just go (usually I play the game and beg him to stay and he does). I love him dearly and with all my heart, but I am also feeling resentful, scared and manipulated. And so exhausted. Please anyone...any ideas....I want him well (and when he is he is a FABULOUS person)....but I can't break myself in the process.

we need help

replies: 5

Our son is 16 and over the last 18 months has had 3 people commit suicide, last only a few weeks ago. He gets very angry and has smashed holes in doors, tipped furniture over, fights his sister calls me a f old c and his mother a f s, he is very angry and we are at a loss to what to expect next or how to help. Yesterday he was expelled and are concerned he will do something he is drinking and we know is taking drugs. He will not sit and talk as well as wont allow us help him in anyway with counselling. The program he was in was a sports program rather than school and they although pretended to help, have not. He continues to threaten suicide. Does anyone have some advice...

I Suspect My Wife Has BPD and it has destroyed our marriage & family.

replies: 2

G'Day all, Although my partner hasn't been formally diagnosed, after many months of research, talking to others and recounting my many experiences I suspect that my wife has BPD. As with most she was my dream come true and still is except with the occasional nightmare thrown in here and there. I was her knight in shining armour and she my damsel in distress. She told me how she was taken advantage of by a friends father, suffered and survived cervical cancer, been the victim of a con man, had numerous major car accidents, none of which were her fault and was in constant pain. I fixed up her taxes, sorted out her messes and tolerated a lot of crap because, I love her. We underwent couples counselling with short term success and 4 years later we married and we now have 3 kids together plus my daughter from the marriage she lured me away from prior to ours. Right now, I am in our empty home as she has yet again packed up our children and left me. No explanation, just a typed note saying "we're separated, it's final and I don't want to discuss it". I'm a little numb at the moment, feeling abandoned and missing my kids and also my wife and I want them and her back! I've watched this thing develop over the last 13 years, I just didn't know what it was until I Googled "compulsive lying" and stumbled onto a BPD diagnosis check list and other info. As for me, I fell ill in October 2011 with a disease called Polymyositis that saw me ambulanced' to hospital with total paralysis due to extreme all body pain. This has left me physically weaker than I use to be and in some level of pain daily. In December that same year I diagnosed with depression and anxiety due to my physical condition and loss of self that I was feeling. I know now that this did little to reduce my contribution to her situation. Where it's at now. It's been a month since my wife took our children and left our rented home whilst I was away for a day as if she was and the children were victims of abuse at my hand and she is using that angle as her reason for leaving. I know that you are only reading one side of a very complex story (much of which is not detailed here) but, I assure you I have never acted violently towards my wife or our children nor inflicted any form of emotional abuse that I am aware of. I am afraid that I have lost her forever. She has created a situation in her mind that portrays me as an abusive husband that should not be left alone with his children for fear of their safety, insisting on only supervised visits in a public place. I'm staying as strong as possible through this despite not having seen our beautiful kids for any decent amount of time since Fathers day but I feel like I am running out of options and as if no one is hearing me. Any advice will be good to hear!

advice: how to help BPD sufferers

replies: 3

Hi there - I'm looking for advice on how to help BPD sufferers. I think my husband has BPD coupled with anxiety/depression. It is not diagnosed as he sees nothing wrong with himself and has refused counselling.I have been seeing a counsellor myself (at first to try to understand what was happening and now to deal with our separation) and she is the one who has steered me to BPD. We are now separated as he went from loving husband to hating me - for no reason. He tells people now that I am evil and full of venom. Nothing ever went wrong or happened for him to do this. I am no living with our one year old child and my husband is living with his parents. There are issues there now as he will not speak to his father. We are all at a loss what to do. He refuses help, sees nothing wrong with himself. Hotlines tell us to take him to a GP but he has not been to one for 36 years so there is no chance of it happening. I would love any advice from people who have been through this. We love him and just want to try to help him. He won't even speak to me so anything I can do definitely has to remain "behind the scenes". If anyone knows of any support organisations in Sydney or Wollongong that would also be very helpful. Thank you

My nephew has an anxiety disorder and theres nothing else I can do about it

replies: 1

Hey there fellow travellers At this moment in time I'm feeling the VERY negative effects of having a mental illness and I just need to vent about it. I think I've posted before about my nephew. He has the same huge issues I did at his age (5). To me they stand out a mile. So I did what any loving caring Auntie would do. I spoke to my brother about it, from the perspective of my own experiences. He was very open to my nephew getting some help as I explained that if he was taught the tools early he'd be way better off. So, it was all go. I gave them the info about a really good child psych. Now it's all changed. They've (My brother, sis-in-law and my nephews teacher) had a chance to talk and the problem is the Aunt with the mental illness. I know there's nothing else I can do now except try to teach him the tools myself. I'm just finding it so hard at this moment. I feel so helpless. I have a degree in Med Science, I used to work in a hospital lab. Before I shared with my brother about my illness he would have listened to me now I'm the insane crazy mental sister. The only thing that changed was I stopped hiding what was wrong with me.. Thanks for listening cheers amamas

Is my husband depressed?

replies: 6

Hi, this is my first visit here and I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but my family needs help. I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have 2 kids (aged 4 and 2). My husband has told me that he's not happy and feels like he's in a hole that he can't get out of and that if he's not happy and doesn't see how he can make anyone else happy. He feels like he wants to leave us. I can't even imagine how our family would be without him. We went through this once before just after our second daughter was born. He ended up leaving that time but came back after counselling and a lot of heartache. This time it feels harder for me because we are living in Australia (my family is in NZ). I don't know if he has depression or not. He doesn't think so although he trys to fill his time constantly and lately has just been putting his head in his hands and saying that he doesn't know what he wants. I feel so isolated, alone, scared and heartbroken. Does anyone think he symptoms sound like depression? Thanks

Depressed mother, aging/elderly father...help please

replies: 2

My mother has suffered from severe depression for many, many years. She has gone through numerous ECT's, institutions, Psychiatrists and every drug around. The ECT'S have erased almost all of her memory of our childhood, overseas holidays and pretty much every good memory she had of her life. She has attempted suicide 8 times in as many years . My dad had to retire early so that he could stay home with her and be her guardian angel. He loves her and would do everything in his power to ensure she does not take her life even if its the only thing she wants everyday. Anyway, dad is now suffering from Parkinson's disease and is aging rapidly. He is 14 years senior to mum which doesn't help. Last week dad experience an episode of unconsciousness followed by confusion and weakness but because mum was so out of it on her anti depressants she couldn't even think to call the ambulance and eventually after 1 hr called me. I called the ambulance straight away and went over there. The ambo's were concerned for mum as she was almost comatosed and advised me to take her somewhere someone could watch her whilst I followed dad to the hospital. Dad is now being monitored and has been told he needs to take more care of himself but we know he won't because he cares full time for mum. We think dad only has a few years left. We (the children) are extremely concerned about them. Mum refuses to move into assisted living and becomes very difficult when I bring up getting a cleaner, using meals on wheels etc to help them (dad) out with activities of daily living. I have offered to bring meals over and help with the cleaning and mowing etc but they refuse saying they would be a burden. We really don't know of there is anything we can do or who to ask. I have organised for dad to have an ACAT assessment this week. Mums illness has made her become very selfish, lazy and almost childlike and dad won't go against whatever she says in fear that she will suicide. Can anyone give us some helpful advice? If dad has a fall or suddenly becomes ill we can't rely on mum to make the right or speedy choices she needs to. We feel lost and worried.

Does depressed partner still want me?

replies: 3

I had been seeing my guy for about six months (granted not often, it wasn't long until I realise he was depressed and he didn't want me to ever see him down, mostly I'd just see him on Saturday night when he was drunk as I'm a bartender so I'd take him home). I did feel his depression was bad, he wouldn't sleep with me and he was too insecure and worried he couldn't please me, and was also very jealous, often questioning if there was anyone else, and needed constant reassurance, I often messaged first as if I didn't he'd ask if I'd lost interest. But the times we did spend together I felt incredibly happy. Suddenly he started messaging me less, and when I didn't message him didn't ask if I was bored with him as he usually did. He also stopped seeing me for 5 weeks, always saying he was busy. ( at this time his best friend who he spent all his time with had just moved, and I think this made his depression worse, he completely clung on to another friend out of the blue and didn't talk to his parents for over 2 weeks but wouldn't say why). Eventually he told me he needed to be alone and wasn't coping, and asked that I not message him anymore, saying he'd let me know when he was ready to talk. I asked if he still had feeling for me and he got annoyed, 'dot start this sh*t, just let me be ok'. 2 weeks later he wrote on Facebook: I've deleted your number, but you're still one of my favourite people. You make me smile and laugh and keep me going. I wish you were around more. Take care. Xo' I messaged him but he said the message wasn't about me although I'm pretty sure it was. I messaged him two weeks later and he was really good, seemed very happy to hear from me and we talked for hours. The next week we spoke again, and on the weekend he called me and asked for a lift so I stayed the night for the first time in almost 3 months. It was fantastic, although he refused to talk about his feelings for me or his depression. The next day I got very drunk and asked him if he liked me and he reused to answer, kept telling me to leave it and eventually got angry. But the next day I messaged him and he was fine. A week later we spoke and it was really good, he was much more affectionate. However yesterday I asked If he'd be coming into my pub, and he said all in one message: yes but that I shouldn't get offended if he doesn't talk to me much because he'll be with some friends and he'd be getting a lift and staying at a friends so he wouldn't need a lift. I was really taken aback but tried not to be upset. I asked if he might want to catch up soon and he said 'please don't start this again', I said I didn't want to pressure him as I know he's depressed, but after seeing him the other weekend I thought he might be ready to start spending time together. I asked he just answer yes or no if he still cares for me, and if no I'd leave him alone and if yes I'd stop asking about his feelings and wait for him to want to see me. He said 'I just want to be me atm'. I said I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship, but If he said yes I would wait. He didn't reply. I wrote back that if he didn't like me he'd just say so, because I've always asked that he does that and then I wouldn't be annoying him by asking, and that I'd give him his space. He replied an hour and a half later with 'can I wear a hat at the pub?' he knows the dress code, an hour later asked me about shirts, he's been coming to my pub for years he knows the dress code. When he came in it was awkward, but then he started flirting a Little bit with me and my god was I happy, just being around him made me happier that I've been in soo long. However I heard some girls he was with in the bathroom saying one of the guys wanted her to hook up with my guy. She said it's never going to happen, and it sounded like she wanted to but didn't think he did. However then she started touching him such as hands on his legs, he don't seem to touch her back but didn't look unhappy. The four of them left together and he didn't say or text me goodbye. i truly feel he really liked me, he's been single for three years and im the first girl he's ever let stay at his parents house, he was really keen for me to get along with his parents, and was very open with me about his past. Also why he put on Facebook was sweet. But have his feelings gone now? Even if nothing happened with that girl I'm upset he didn't say goodbye. Is the fact that he won't answer me about his feelings a good sign, surely he'd jut say so if he didn't like me? Can he not answer because the depression is making him confused and he doesn't know how he feels? i like him soo soo much, if he likes me but is depressed I don't want to give up, but if he's over me I need to move on. What should I do? Not contact him for a whole month and see what he says? I just feel like I can't talk to him or I'll ask about the girl and if he likes me again, I wouldn't be able to help myself. But even if I wait a month ill still ask, and that's a whole month of not knowing, although he probably won't answer me anyway. i guess I'm worried that even when he does stop being depressed he will still be insecure and might feel I abandoned him, but that if I keep trying to talk to him he'll just feel pressured and I won't get any answers. :'( I really only want to give up if he doesn't like me anymore, but this one two weeks ago I woke up in his arms.

How do you get a depressed person to want to help themselves?

replies: 3

My husband has been depressed for longer than I've known him, and he is good at hiding it to all our family and friends but at home he is ok to be himself. He retreats to the computer and hides away from the world (including our 2 little girls, 10mths and nearly 4yrs). He has been on meds for about 5 years now, and tried about 3 different types. He has a counsellor he see's only when he gets bad and I remind him to go see her. He has seen a psychiatrist a couple of times to try and get his meds right (I went once with him). He is on antidepressants as well as another tablet which he takes at night to help him sleep. I feel like we go round and round in circles and nothing seems to change. He has been given all of the tools, all of the family and friends support and still he will not help himself. He has a terrible diet (if I don't prepare every meal), drinks loads of soft drink (over 2lts a day) and does not exercise. He has put on about 20kgs in 3 yrs. Having young kids I expect him to help out (not do everything but help), he is rarely 'present' and when he is he just try's to control the girls by yelling at them, have them not make noise and tells them to 'leave daddy alone' if he is on the computer. Lately he has been getting angry and frustrated and has started hitting things (like doors, computer screens) and throwing tantrums like our nearly 4 yr old (smashing trophies and playstation controllers). I told the psychiatrist and he said it was what men sometimes do when they are not dealing with their depression but I wonder how much is enough... I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt our girls but what if he accidentally does?? At what point do you say enough is enough. I love him and have supported him through the years but am getting to my limit. I feel that he has been lead to the water but refuses to take a drink. Taking meds is not enough in his case and I am not sure if there is any hope left if he doesn't want to help himself....

Dont know what to do with her :(

replies: 2

Hi I've joined up today on beyondblue as I am just looking for some help or advice as I feel my daughter is suffering from Depression but it seems much deeper then that to were she is actually starting to physically and emotionally abuse me all of 40kilos of her!!! She also trys to jump out of the car whilst driving when we are arguing on many occassions on the freeways and I have reached for her and stopped her! It takes alot of time to calm her down and I take the abuse she gives me as Im so scared she is going to grab the steering wheel and kill me (crazy hey) it usually ends up we dont talk for a few days then she is ok like nothing has happened!! Im like Wat the hell is the girl doing to me!! Ive come to a point were Im actually disliking my own flesh and blood and Im trying not too but some of the things she says to me breaks my heart! I know she smokes weed and is a regular user and has been since she was 16 she is 19 now, Im thinking has this affected her! Just wanted to know if anyone is experiencing this sort of behavior as a parent. Thanks

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Helping partner who refuses help replies: 1

we need help replies: 5

I Suspect My Wife Has BPD and it has destroyed our marriage & family. replies: 2

advice: how to help BPD sufferers replies: 3

My nephew has an anxiety disorder and theres nothing else I can do about it replies: 1

Is my husband depressed? replies: 6

Depressed mother, aging/elderly father...help please replies: 2

Does depressed partner still want me? replies: 3

How do you get a depressed person to want to help themselves? replies: 3

Dont know what to do with her :( replies: 2