I am afraid of sharing my fear

[Pixie15]

Hi, I am tired of sleepless nights and I do not know what to do. A few years back I pushed my partner into seeking help for his mental state by threatening to leave him if he did not see a doctor. He saw a doctor and is on a medication for depression but I am not sure that his condition has been properly diagnosed and he is unwilling to seek any additional help. He can be very angry and bitter with me. I want to continue to support him but I have lost trust and am even quite fearful of him. I do not know if my fear is reasonable or just a feature of my own stress responses. When there are reports in the media of women being abused by their partners it seems to heighten my concern. When I raised the issue with my doctor she said that if I was really fearful she would have to report it. I do not really know who she was going to report to and what the consequences may be. It may be an irrational fear and I do not want an irrational fear to be escalated into a life destroying event for every one concerned. I am seeing a psychologist for help in dealing with my stress but am unsure whether to raise this issue because they also have some mandatory reporting obligations. I would appreciate any insights anybody might have. Chris.

[S_A_D_]

From the way you write, I strongly suspect you're anxious, to the point of paranoia like me. Maybe it takes one to know one lol. This is very similar to something I would've written not that long ago.

If the psychologist you are seeing is even half decent, they will have picked up on this too. I also notice you haven't given any details describing violence between you and your partner, which is a very good thing. You're doctor freaked you out for no reason, and the fact that they even said anything about reporting it was very unprofessional. I suggest seeing a different GP from now on.

Tell your psychologist everything. Focus your attention on how you feel. Keep a diary where you write about your feelings as often as possible, and show it to your psychologist every time you see them. Write in it every time you're feeling worried. Firstly, writing about your feelings will calm you down. Secondly, having a log of your feelings will help your psychologist separate anxieties from real danger. ONLY if you are in real danger will he suggest to you to take protective actions. IF AND ONLY IF you then refuse to protect yourself, AND he is sure you require protection in order to save your life, will he do what you're worried about.

Try to think of your psychologist as your best ally and friend. They will support you in your choices and decisions, unless you want to do things that will make your health significantly worse. Your psychologist is possibly the one and only person in the whole world you can trust more than yourself. Your psychologist is your lifeline, your safety net, your one thing that's more reliable than the sun rising in the morning. They will be there for you, and we will be here for you, and 000 emergency services, Lifeline suicide prevention hotline 131114, and Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 will be there for all of us, when others are not.

[Pixie15]

Thank you Facetious. I did raise it after writing my post. Writing the post actually helped me solidify the fear so I will consider writing a diary. But I have issues about my privacy being breached. I was fairly anxious when I saw my doctor so I will not judge her too harshly.  Currently working on trying to be a stronger me. I appreciate your insight. Chris.

[S_A_D_]

When you talk to a psychologist, you're in control. They hears and sees what you tell them and show them. They will not ever breach your privacy. 

As for the possibility of other people reading your diary, there are ways to guarantee security. If you have your diary on your computer, you can download an encryption program for free to secure your thoughts, even from hackers. There are even programs built directly onto security systems that are exclusively and purposely designed to be used as a diary.

Writing on paper is also fairly easy to secure. There are lots of ways to trick people. You can get a thicker than usual magazine, and a UV invisible ink pen, and a black light globe, and write directly onto the pages of the magazine. When not under black light it appears to be a regular magazine.

Don't bother with locks and keys and "Do Not Touch" signs. They don't work. Bank robberies are an example of this. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

[Pixie15]

Hi Facetious. Yes I did actually decide to try writing down my thoughts with the hope of letting them go till discussion was possible. Having decided that as long as I was going to write them down there was no way to 100% guarantee them being read I just decided to use a word program with a password protection on the file. But your know I really love the idea of the UV invisible ink pen and the black light globe. I wonder if black lights come in a size to fit a torch. I shall investigate this option. Thank you and cheers.

[S_A_D_]

With computers getting so advanced these days, there are ways of being 99.9999999999999% certain they won't be read by anyone but you. Some of the better encryption systems I have used in the past are so secure that they guarantee even the United States National Security Agency (NSA) couldn't crack it with their mountains (real mountains of stone and dirt) hollowed out and filled with super computers used to monitor the internet for terrorist activity.

I don't know who you're thinking about, worried they will want to read it, but if it's properly encrypted the ONLY way they're going to access it is if you give them the password (depending on which program you acquire, passwords can be 200+ characters long and separated between multiple individuals or organisations, including banks and the police.

Like I said, Data security is a big deal. Think about corporate research by Apple and Google trying to keep their competitors from stealing their brilliant ideas. What would they be willing to do to keep secrets?

[Pixie15]

Thank you. 200+ character long passwords sound quite exhausting to both create and remember. I certainly have no reason to believe any security agency or corporation would have any interest in my journal. As I am finding it quite tedious to read back what I write myself I have pretty much decided that it will be of no interest to anybody else so I have given up on the whole idea of worrying about it. But if I do track down a really good secret to keep I will check out some better encryption systems.