How to help a mother with depression who lives 4 hours away?

[Punungy]

Hello,

Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for as long as I remember and I never knew how to support her, especially as a child. I knew she had depression but she got me very angry when she would not see how I wanted to be there for her. She would attack me emotionally and she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most (wedding, throughout my pregnancy and now that Ive become a mother myself). She shut me out of her life and I shut her out of mine because I needed to protect myself from getting hurt over and over again. I was an emotional wreck when I was in contact with her and this affected my relationship with my husband to be at the time. When I cut off all contact with her I felt free, happier and able to move forward with my life more confidently. Is this a selfish thing to say?

I am now happily married and have a 2 yr old son. Ever since meeting my husband my mother has never shown any happiness for my situation. My mother thinks that because she had a miserable life then I dont have the right to be happy. She has made many comments that have made me think this. Is this normal for a mother who is depressed to think like this?

My mother recently contacted me and asked for my forgiveness. In this phone call she said that she is taking medication to help her liver (she was unclear), she has a cyst or something on top of her bladder and a disease on her spine. She has always had back problems and complained about tiredness, sleep apnea and pain. For as long as I could remember my mother was never social (her sisters and brothers) and she could never form friendships. She has always told me growing up that she had a horrible childhood, terrribe marriage with my father (they have been divorced for nearly 8 years) her relationship with my older brother and sister is on and off and she has isolated herself by living 4 hours away from her children and her sisters and brothers. She said she has come off her medication for depression and is now on a benzodiazepine medication. What does this mean?

I want to try to help my mother again but how do I do this when she lives 4 hours away? Is it possible?

and how do I prevent myself from becoming an emotional wreck or hurt?

I need to be strong for my husband and son. I want to protect myself from anything negative. Growing up was negative enough for me with a depressed mother and parents who fought constantly. I dont want to repeat what my mother has become for the sake of my husband and son.

Thanks for reading my post.

[1963]

That's really hard. The biggest unknown is the extent of your mother's health problems & her motivation in calling you [what about your siblings?] No. 1 is maintain your own family's wellbeing [your partner & child]. Talk to your siblings; has she contacted them, maybe you can act together then. Can one of you visit to determine a more exact state of your mother's health, like visiting her GP with her. then, if she needs her children's help, share it as best you can.

Sounds like you've done well to create your own life, dont let that get stuffed up. All the same, as a family, she is your mother & if she's unwell, needs care. Benzodiazepine can be prescribed for all sorts of reasions.

[geoff]

hello, welcome and pleased for you to contact us.

When someone has depression they do push people away, and this could any friends but family as well. Firstly they struggle with their depression and they shut themselves off from the rest of the world, it's the illness that makes them do it, especially when you were only a child, her immediate thoughts would be either that she doesn't want to upset you, or she doesn't want to involve you or thirdly that you know nothing about the troubles she was going through, so the best option would be to close the door on you. She wanted to be alone and maybe one reason would be is that she drank, ( you can correct me ) I only say this is because she has liver damage, and maybe she didn't want anybody to know of her drinking problem, however a lot of people including myself used alcohol to numb the pain of depression, as well as her bad back.

I'm not too sure that she wants you to have a bad life, just like she did, it's because she hated the world, and then didn't want to reconcile with anyone, the depression has done this, and whether or not it's too late to patch up relationships depends on how she feels.

I'm not a doctor but coming off the antidepressants isn't a good idea, because  benzodiazepines are habit forming and if taken with alcohol has double the effect and therefore makes you very tired. She may have to take them twice a day, but normally the doctor will warn her that she will have to slow done from taking them and eventually won't prescribe them, so she goes to another doctor. They can be good for temporary problems, and she maybe wanting them for her back.

Benzodiazepines can be taken with antidepressants, but that's for her doctor to decide on.

Do you think that it will be possible for her to allow you to help her, or will she have a 'cold shoulder' still. It's very generous of you to want to help and see her, but now you have a husband and a 2 year old son, and these two are your first priorities. I would ask your mum if she wants to see her grandson, as well as does your son want to see her, you would know from her reaction when you ask her, and conversely does she ever ask about him. You have to also look after yourself, because to be strong on two different fronts can be exhausting, as most of us know what two year old can get up to. Good luck and please let us know how you get on. L Geoff.

[sunnysideup]

Was looking for mums with depression, anger and anxiety issues like me as my own mum, I think had mental health problems that I have inherited. You have done well to not be mentally affected by your mums illness (unless you have?)

Over the years I too have had to keep the peace with my mum and justify myself to her and play her games it feels. I think that's why I live in Oz and she lives in UK now. She has learnt to cope without me for the past 15 years and only have Skype or phone calls to communicate. That works well for us as when we do go to UK, she pushes us away or needs to dominate the situation and gets upset if I go and stay at my dads for longer.

My partner cant understand why I bother with her.

If I were in your situation and basing it on my own experience, I would tell her...

she and you can have a relationship but it comes with conditions (ie she stays on her meds and gets support and you want to hear about it)

Regularly communicate on Skype when she is having an average day (you wont get her to talk when she is in a bad place anyway probably). Build rapport again.

Text you with a sad face if its a bad day for her so you can monitor the patterns and she knows you know.

Get her to think of 5 things she likes to do or see. Built this list over time.

Tell her you will come up I don't know once every 2 months to do one of these 5 things she has listed as her favourite things.

Gradually over time you can build up to include the rest of your family. This is something she has to earn, but don't tell her that. Your family need to know what having a mental illness is like and that your mum can regress at any time.

Above all you have to look after you and your current family. Your mum cant irradicate what mental illness she has but she can try to make a difference for the better. That's where I am at with my own family right now. I know I have to get help so I can stop history repeating and break the cycle.

I don't know if that helps but cutting yourself off completely is not an option either.