Help me.. Please!

[Bambam]

I dont really know what i'm doing... But i think i really need some help.

Starting this is really overwhelming. I dont know what exactly to say....

I am feeling like ending my life

"what the hell am i doing??!"

So i scrolled through my phone contacts searching for a singular person i could contact that could listen and i couldnt find one. i've lost everyone. My mum doesn't talk to me. I have no dad. I cannot escape my abusive and persistent ex boyfriend of six years. I literally have lost or pushed away anyone left, and there's a list. believe me.

I am so afraid. I have been trying so hard to convince myself to stay. but all i have is my studies. i study psychology.. ironic, huh.... i guess everyone struggles....

But It isn't enough. Im intelligent. I get distinctions fairly consistently. I hardly study though. But i need more.

I just don't think it's worth it... I guess the hardest part of recovery, is when you aren't so sure you want to. But i did. I tried so hard after i got out of hospital last year. I tried so goddamn hard!

I was such a nice girl too.. Really.
I was so sweet, so goddamn innocent. So naive.

It's just becoming more and more apparent to me that life is this ridiculous labrynth... and you spend your entire life trying to escape. i dont really want that. i mean, i look at my mum. she's a single mum with a six year old kid. (she'd be too young to understand anyway).... and i think.. my god what are you doing. she is so unhappy with her life. but she keeps going.

she wakes up at 4am. gets up and gets my sister ready, takes her to school by 7. goes to work. works like 9hours. comes home, cleans, makes dinner, gets my sister ready for bed and for school the next day. then she eats and goes to bed. wakes up and repeats. i cannot even comprehend it.

if my life is going to be like that, why bother.

i mean, i'm not the suicidal type. but you know, if a truck was coming straight for me... i wouldn't be too eager to jump out the way.  i just really can't see myself waking up tomorrow morning.

i just can't.

I feel like there's no point writing this.. people will suggest all these things.. i mean, sure. i study it.

i get it. i totally get it.

I just know too much....... That's why.
What do you really get out of life, seriously?

You live, you die. What a waste.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Bambam,

I've had a couple of suicide attempts and I can totally relate to what you've written.   There's no point in anything once you reach a certain level.  But other people are probably thinking "Hell, yeah !   There is a point !".

I'm not sure comparing yourself to your mum is proving anything.   She's up at 4am and doing all that stuff with a completely different mindset - unconditional love.  I have three teenagers and when one decided to train as a midwife I had to take her in to be at all the case births which would happen at 1am, 3:30am, 4:15am, whatever.   The sudden call would completely bugger my sleep (and I'm bipolar so sleep is a bit weird anyway).  It wasn't a problem because I was her father.   You won't be able to comprehend such parenting until your are a mother so why put all that pressure on yourself now ?

To answer that:   Because we, the great mentally ill, are great at judging ourselves.  Being hard on ourselves.  Half the planet could relate to your "if a truck was coming straight for me...I wouldn't be too eager to jump out of the way".   It's tough living with stress.   To put some humour in this I don't think a truck would do your justice with all your problems.  You need an armoured plated tank.  With Duane Johnson driving and Bruce Willis manning the guns !   

Psychology is self perpetuating.  There's always another reason behind the real reason.  It's set up to play with your mind.   Did you ever consider transferring to Human Sciences of something less invasive ?  When I get that anxious and suicidal I say "my thinking is blocked" which is the same as your outpouring because we both seem disabled by it and want the whole thing to end.   But life goes on and then the pressure seems twice as bad.

The Lifeline number is 13 11 14 and the next door neighbour will give you a cuppa and a biscuit if you're willing to admit talking to a real person is helpful.    You know the classic thing of suicide is to pile EVERYTHING into one very small basket and try to climb the stairs of life.  Study, Mum's situation, ex boyfriend, lack of friend, not winning Lotto although you never put a ticket in, it's just a crazy mix of bad.

Maybe we do spend our entire lives "trying to escape".   But.....personal freedom should be something worth fighting for.  I lurk around suicidal ideation mostly at night but if I can make it to the morning I know I'll be OK for another day.   You need to pick something tangible FOR YOU.    Even a labyrinth has sections.  

And even an armoured plated tank with Johnson & Willis in pursuit will eventually run out of petrol.   When they get out of the tank try and tell them about your "abusive and persistent ex boyfriend of 6 years".   Or take out an AVO.  At least tell your local police about it or your college supervisor.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Bambam, sorry this reply is so late.

Who wants to be a friend of someone wanting to commit suicide, hell they say, what on earth am I going to say and what if they actually do it, then this would be disastrous and people will blame me, best to keep well away.

It's strange that I studied psychology or at least 3 years, and look what has happened to me.

My own psychologist who I had seen for 20 years had depression, I don't know whether she tried to commit suicide, but depression doesn't give a damn who it inflicts it's negative power onto.

My doctor had depression as well.

Our lives are mundane they run by routine everyday, just like your Mum does,the alarm clock goes off at the same time everyday, and then the robots stand up and away they go.

It happens to me, I have a routine, monday I go and see person A, then tuesday it's person B,but this is an OCD trait, and for me to change these times would be a major upheaval for me, stupid I know but it's an illness that controls this, and it's far easier for me to stick to this routine than to try and change them.

I wonder what is going to happen in 50 years time and the technology advancing so quickly, the mind boggles.

Hopefully by then no one will have any depression as well as no thoughts of commiting suicide. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Bambam,

You posted 3 weeks ago - how are you travelling now?

Are you still trying to recover "so goddam hard" ?  Did the counselor connect with you OK ?   Did your family support you or ignore you ?

I guess part of suicide is "beating the system" but if you fail, get treatment and recover, you are then part of the system again.  Which is a bit depressing.   Like Geoff mentions, maybe the future will eradicate mental health or at least lessen the impact of it on our daily lives.

My own manic admission in Jan saw some counselling booked but most of it I've missed due to anxiety or sheer bloody mindedness.    Next thing I know I have to update my Medicare card.    Enter impromptu anger management course.   Something like 3 new cards have all been issued but posted to an old address where I had an acrimonious landlord.  But some other Medicare stuff for dental work last year came to my proper address.    It's a really small admin cock up but on top of all the other frustrations it could be driving me to suicidal ideation.  Which is bizarre as Medicare is for getting a reduced counsellng fee !

I'm not sure why you reached that suicidal cross roads but I'd have to congratulate you on seeking a friend to phone (even though none were available).   Even the Post man/woman would be a better bet than ending things.  He/she might even be carrying a cheque or special offer to join Readers Digest.  Thrilling stuff !

Adios, David.

[vip]

Hi BamBam totally can relate to this 100%. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived. You know what it took for me to do that to realise you know what life is so so precious. Who gives a shit what that person said or who didnt like me ect ect. Yes going to work getting up in the morning paying bills ect its boring tiresome but you know what I would much rather be doing that then going through what I went through. The physical pain by body all fractured the emotional pain why did I do it the guilt what i put my husband child family through. I have been on antidepressants for 4 years and with psychology help joining a gym visiting friends who have cancer and want to live going out with friends sitting in the sunshine having a coffee these are the important things in life and what makes you feel good. Who cares if you have a degree or an important job its the small things that count. Talk to professional people first get on medication and then mix with friends who have been through similar things, you will 100% get over this you have already done the big step in speaking about it. You will look back and think shit what and why was i thinking that it wasnt me it was the illness. Take care of yourself always your number 1

[The_Modern_Day_Gentleman]

Dear Bambam,

as of posting this, over two months have elapsed since you took the time to write your struggle. Let me begin by saying that I hope all is well and that you are still with us. Your story was both harrowing and familiar. It brought back memories of the time I was in "darkness". You question life and the overall importance of it. I won't write you some "cut-and-paste-bullsh*t"as I understand how unimaginative it can be.

You said that there was nobody in your contacts list who you could talk to. I do not personally know the people on said list, but what I do know is that under certain circumstances, certain people can show a side that you never thought existed. Joker's can have hearts of gold and even the quietest of people can be full of such helpful wisdom. If such people do exist on your list, just try contacting them. You may be pleasantly surprised. Failing that, us here at beyondblue will ALWAYS be here to talk.

You go on to say that you are intelligent. To say it is one thing, but you have the evidence to truly support it! Intelligence seems to be a diminishing focus in this world. However, that certainly does not mean it is any less important. For you see, it is the intelligent who keep the world in motion so that the "fake" may live humbly in it. The world needs the smart and there is no denying that you fit that description.

You speak about how your mum is in a sort of routine, one which certainly does not sound fun at all to you. I too used to wonder with my own mum, why she would seemingly sacrifice her own chance of a simple life to make mine easier. Not being a parent, I cannot completely understand the joy looking after a child brings, but my mum assures me that it makes her happy and I can now see that she is. She also takes joy in the little things in her life and while they might not seem entertaining to you or I, they seem to make her smile.

You finish by contemplating if life is ultimately worth living or not. The short answer is YES! I will not begin to pretend I understand every little aspect of life. Heck, I don't think humanity will discover the meaning of life in my lifetime, but what I do know is that it most certainly can kick you down at times. It sucks, I won't deny that. Nobody in their right mind likes to feel blue. But there is always an upside. A silver lining is always on the horizon. To quote "The Dark Knight", "It's always darkest just before the dawn." And though you may be in a dark place now, dawn is most certainly coming your way and when it arrives, you will revel in it! 

Allow me to paint a hypothetical for you: you and a fellow student in your psychology class graduate and get your degree (I might be wrong, but I believe that is what happens at the end of your studies). Ask yourself this: when all is said and done, which of you will truly feel more accomplished? Yourself, who has fallen into an unfortunate mindset, or your colleague (who I am assuming has not)?Why you of course! After all you endured, to go on and finish your studies will be such an immense victory for you, one you should certainly be proud of.

I truly hope Bambam that something the others or myself has said will be of help to you. After being in such a mindset myself, it is something I wouldn't wish upon anybody. You are a smart person and you know it! Though ironic, your experience will only further help you in the field of psychology. Stick to it and maybe someday, you will be able to help someone who is in the exact same position you are at this point in time.

I wish you all the best Bambam and if you ever need to talk, I am more than happy!

Take care,

The Modern Day Gentleman 🙂