Pushing friends and loved ones away

[Saska]

Hi All

I am new here.I joined because I have severe anxiety and have some family members and friends with depression and I want to learn how to support them.

My question is ------Just met a really nice guy. Over the past few weeks we have had some chats and he confessed he has severe depression and has for a long time. He told me he has lost a few very important relationships over the time, including a girl he thought he  was going to marry, due to his depression. He explained that he gets down and pushes people away from him. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and asked that he please try not to push me away. Anyway all was good up until last Thursday night. We had a few laughs via sms and I've only received one sms since explaining that he was feeling down and was going to keep to himself for a while.

 I really want to be his friend (would love to be more than friends) and support him. How do I support him when he's pushed me away? Do I keep sending him the odd sms and letting him know I am still around? Or do I give him his time out??

 Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you

[vip]

Hi Saska i have been a depression sufferer for 22 years so let me give you my view here, Firstly what a great honest guy to tell you all this personal information about himself he sounds lovely. Secondly it is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who has depresion as my husband had found out but let him call the shots. If he wants to continue seeing you then yes thats great if he doesnt then let him call the shots here and let you know what he wants to do. Let him sms you or email you ect the more you push to see him the worse he will feel. Maybe you could write him a letter to say you care your thinking of him leave him your details and say when his ready to give you a call ect. You could be the person who helps him get through the depression so give it time and take it easy and slowely here.Hope this helps. Take care and thankyou for being so caring.You sound lovely also.

[David123]

Hi There,

I have recently suffered depression and my then-girlfriend was completely unsupportive.  It made a bad experience a really horrible experience.

So I think you are wonderful for wanting to support some one you have feelings for.  There are many "how to support people with despression" links on the web, just Google.

One really important one for me was "don't abandon me".  With depression you tend to withdraw inwards, self esteem is very low.  So I would suggest you keep reaching out via SMS or phone unless he really becomes agressive.  Let him know you care, that he is important, no matter what his condition, that your care is not conditional on his current state.  That's what I wanted to hear when I was curled up on a bed suicidal and my girlfriend had cut me off.

- David

[Saska]

Thank you for your responses Sen and David. I will definitely not smother him with text messages etc but will most certainly let him know I am there for him, when and if he wants to talk etc I keep reassuring him that as a friend I am not going anywhere but h seems set on the idea that everyone ends up leaving him, friends, family, girlfriends.....

A letter is a good idea. I sent him a card in the mail today.

David I am so sorry your girlfriend cut you off. I really hope you find someone special some day soon who will support you. I must admit I can relate to this as I have pretty severe anxiety and finding someone who loves you for who you are is very hard. I guess that is why I have stayed single for so long.

Take care both of you

[JosieH72]

Hi,

I'm a big one for pushing people away. My advice would be to talk to him. Write a letter and tell him that you like him and you want to be there to support him but you are unsure of what to do. Ask him to give you guidelines of how he would like you to react to his "pushing away" behaviour.

It's a hard line to find.

Through counselling I was able to identify my behaviour that "pushed people away". There are many reason I did it. Mostly because I want to be loved but I'm scared of being hurt. People get close and I do things to mess it up. I still haven't worked out if I'm just a selfish bitch though. I don't think I am but I do things, I say things that aren't socially acceptable. I can be judgemental and apparently I have too high expectations of people.

I found with my mum, the only person that wont let me push them away, she would say things when I was in my hole that would seep in and hold for when I crawled out. She would test the waters so to speak and see if I was still in my hole or if I was out. She would take a break when she needed to but she would always come back. She would always say that she loved me. That she was here for me. No matter what I did she kept coming back until I finally accepted that she "did love me", that she would stick around no matter what.

It's horribly self destructive BUT. He must also work on changing. He is aware of his behaviour which is a good sign but he must also change and work with you because people like this, me included, can be very destructive to others so make sure you also protect yourself and don't allow his "pushing away" behaviours to harm your well being.

[Saska]

Hi Josie

 Thank you for your response. I agree he needs to work on changing. He has given up. Thinks he will be like this forever, and that there is no point being friends with anyone because they either go away or he pushes them away.  Just after I met him I told him I would support him and he said not to be too sure about that as he will end up pushing me away at some stage. 3 weeks in to the friendship that is what he is trying to do. But I am not going to give up. I will do as you say and ask him how he wants me to respond to his pushing me away and reassure him that I am not going anywhere. 

Best wishes in your recovery